“Do Not Repay Evil For Evil.”

April 5, 2017April 7, 2017 Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

“Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men” (Romans 12:17, NASB).

“Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing” (1 Peter 3:9, ESV).

I have been going through a great deal of things recently. I was badly hurt by some people. Believe me, I have been tempted to repay evil for evil, but that is not what God wants us to do. I am far from perfect, but I am really doing my best to not repay evil.

I have learned a few things as I continue to work through the hurt, anger, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and anxiety from the recent incidents and they also apply to gentle parenting.

1. Scolding harshly just shuts children and adults down. It’s true. Scolding anyone of any age just makes them feel angry, defensive, small, and helpless. This is especially true when a child has not even done anything wrong. And often harsh scolding is abusive and/or shaming, which is very harmful and hurtful.

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1, NASB).

2. People of all ages act badly when they feel badly. This is a common idea throughout gentle parenting. Realizing why a child is acting out is so important because he/she is usually feeling badly either physically or emotionally or both. When we stop to see behind the behavior, we see a whole new picture that changes, hopefully, the way we respond to the child. The same is true with adults. Being lashed out at by an adult is harder for me to deal with than if it was a child. Yet, when I am really hurting, I tend to lash out too. But I have learned that trying to be quiet and not lash out is always the best way to go. Easier said than done, though.

3. Mutual respect is key for healthy relationships. From the moment a child is conceived, he/she should be respected. Teaching respect means being respectful by not doing anything to the child that you know will intentionally hurt them such as cry-it-out, saying harsh words to them, manipulating them either physically or emotionally or both, and spanking/hitting them. I often feel like people don’t truly respect me and that’s so hard when I’m trying to be respectful. Again, I am far from perfect, but without mutual respect, one person will be walked all over by the other person. The only way I know to encourage mutual respect is to teach it to children. And just because someone is disabled or different doesn’t mean they don’t deserve the same respect as everyone else!

“Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor;” (Romans 12:10, NASB).

“and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ” (Ephesians 5:21, NASB).

4. PTSD, anxiety, and sensitivity are real and not weaknesses. Due to being abused throughout my childhood by my dad and a school personal aide, I have all of these things. When people I am close to say “mean” things to me–whether it’s intentional or not-– it triggers my anxiety and PTSD. I’m left debilitated for a while. For children, saying mean, hurtful things will only tear them down and may lead to anxiety and PTSD. Some children, as I was , and still am, are quite sensitive. Unfortunately, being sensitive is often looked down upon and seen as a weakness. Then people try to use this to manipulate and control these children and adults. This is not ok! If everyone was sensitive and empathetic, the world would be a much better place!

5. Despite the common Christian doctrine that we’re born selfish, selfishness is a learned behavior. Children raised with respect, compassion, empathy, and love usually learn to be the same. These children are more competent in social interactions and have a lower rate of anti-social behaviors. People raised with selfishness can learn how not to be, but many remain selfish until the day they die. If we want less selfishness in the world, we need to learn how to be selfless! And we must teach our children how to be selfless by modeling it to them daily.

“Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;” (Philippians 2:3, NASB).

6. We must forgive while not allowing people to walk all over us. Boundaries and limits are a must for children and adults in our life. Children usually cooperate with boundaries and limits when they understand the reason behind them. Adults, however, can be more complicated because they don’t always respect the limits and boundaries. Sometimes all we can do is to put more space between us and them to protect ourselves. I’m still figuring out how to do this.

Also when we forgive, we should never throw stuff back in their faces when we are upset with them. That isn’t fair. We don’t forget but we move on if we can with the relationship. Otherwise, it might be better to get out of a toxic relationship.

7. We can’t control others but we can control ourselves. The best thing is to focus on controlling our responses to others. We are the only one that we can control.

I’m still working on all of this. If everyone would do their best to work on these things, I truly believe that we’d have healthier relationships.

“So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets” (Matthew 7:12, ESV).

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God’s Amazing Forgiveness!

November 23, 2016 Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

Note: This was originally written on November 22, 2016. I always have my husband edit my posts.

God is good! So many Christians believe that He punishes us when we sin. He definitely corrects us which isn’t pleasant, but He doesn’t spank, hurt, or smite us down or I really shouldn’t be here as I have been really sinning in my anger lately. Today is an example of God’s love.

We went grocery shopping today and got stuff for Thanksgiving. With everything we’ve been going through with grief, our cat being in the beginning stages of kidney disease, and other stresses, my husband asked me this morning if he could just make turkey and his mom’s amazing oyster dressing, and mashed potatoes because he just wasn’t into making the whole feast with sweet potatoes and green bean casserole. Of course, I said that was fine because we’re both at our limits. Maybe Christmas we’ll have the whole feast. We’ll see.

So we get everything at the store and come to the van. My husband puts me in the van and I started freaking out. I cussed. My Sara ring, the ring he bought me on the first birthday without my beloved first kitty Sara, was GONE! I didn’t feel or hear it fall off. I was so upset and sick to my stomach. My husband looked ALL over. It was nowhere to be found.

On the way home, I had a meltdown. I yelled at God. I said some very hateful things, and called Him names I’m ashamed of. My angry outburst was not as intense as the other night when I said some even more horrible things to God due to fear and anger about the possibility of losing our cat after having lost my mother-in-law and my grandpa all in the same year, but still, it was very nasty and I felt Him being sad. But I was so angry that I didn’t care at the moment. I got defiant and said that I would just go buy a new ring. I just really let Him have it.

When we got home, my husband looked again for the ring. Gone. I felt sick. I couldn’t cry. I just felt sick. He called the store to let them know that I had lost my ring. But I had no hope. It’s gone.

After putting stuff away, he takes me to the bathroom. As he was getting me up, I saw the ring in my underwear. I couldn’t verbally get it out that my ring was in my underwear due to having to focus on standing and holding on to my husband. It fell out and I said, “my ring, my ring!” He thought I was talking about another ring.

So he gets me back in my wheelchair where he can understand me easier and I told him that it was my Sara ring. It was in my underwear and fell by my “potty chair.” He went in the bathroom, and sure enough, there was my Sara ring! We both thanked Jesus!

Then I got on my iPad and checked my messages and my tattoo artist asked if I wanted to get tattooed next week. She broke her ankle right before my appointment in October to get my memorial tattoo for my mother-in-law and couldn’t do it, so I have been waiting and praying for her. I was concerned that she might not be up to it until after Christmas. I had gotten my first tattoo in honor of my grandpa the day after my birthday, and I wanted both tattoos before the holidays to keep my grandpa and mother-in-law close to me as the holidays will be tough again this year. See here to read all about my first tattoo. I was going to ask next week to see what she thought, but I will be getting tattooed on Tuesday!! Yay! Thank You, Jesus.

Finally, I received a message from Safe Families, a local Christian organization that helps children and their families during crisis situations, and they said that want to see if they can figure out how to partner with me for parent coaching. Thank You, Jesus!

After being so awful to Him again, He blesses me and let’s us know that He is here! He forgives. And maybe He disciplines us in a manner that truly humbles us through blessing because I didn’t deserve any blessings at all!

And perhaps, we should be mindful of the way He disciplines and forgives us as we discipline our children. He definitely loves us no matter what and fathers us gently!

Just re-reading this brings me to tears. I don’t deserve His love.

Aggression NEVER Works!

October 3, 2016 Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

As an early childhood professional and a parent coach, one of the main issues I help parents with is young children being aggressive. Young children have zero impulse control and often express themselves through aggressive acts until they finally have enough practice and skills taught to them by us to use their words and be gentle.

Yes, aggression is a form of communication in young children and if parented gently and respectfully, these children learn that aggression NEVER works. It only HURTS!

But what happens if children are never taught gentleness and kindness? What happens if they are spanked/hit, harshly spoken to/yelled at, and/or otherwise punished and disrespected?

Just turn on the TV, get on Facebook and other social media, or dare to walk outside and you’ll see the effects of harshly treated children crying out for whatever social justice is the current “hot topic.” You’ll see people actually being shot and killed. You’ll see people rioting. You’ll see people verbally assault anyone who dares to offer a different perspective.

Unfortunately, many pro-spankers believe that this is due to not spanking/hitting children enough, but the majority of children are still spanked. The Bible says that we reap what we sow. If violence is “lovingly” sown into children’s hearts to get people to do what they want, then it will be easier for them to use aggression and violence to try to force people to listen to them.

Source: https://www.facebook.com/synergygentleparenting/?ref=ts&fref=ts

I struggle with this at times too. It’s hard to keep responding respectfully when you’re angry and/or passionate about something. I have made my fair share of mistakes and constantly strive to be a more empathetic, compassionate, gentle person as that was not how I was raised. But the fact that I was raised with harshness and was often disrespected and still get dismissed at times due to my disability is no excuse for my mistakes!

Sadly, some people truly believe that violence and aggression–both physical and verbal– is the only way to be heard and enact change. When people come at me aggressively, I get defensive and shut down. It hurts, so it makes me not want to listen to the person. When I hear about violent actions in the name of some cause, it makes me want to run in the other direction! I feel bad for the victims who are usually innocent bystanders that had the misfortune of being in the crossfire of the angry people.

We claim to want peace but end up trying to get it through violence and aggression. We want equality for all but end up putting certain groups down to get that equality. We believe in love but end up using hate to try to force love. We strive for tolerance but end up being intolerant to groups of people who don’t have our same agenda.

We are all guilty of this! It’s just that certain people fail to recognize this in themselves and think that they are truly making a difference when all they are doing is making everything worse and turning people off. They are even inciting people like them that are on the opposite side to start behaving aggressively. They fail to realize that aggression never works. It only hurts!

I love the Nonviolent Communication approach that Marshall B. Rosenberg writes about, and with which he trains people, because it teaches us that everyone is capable of being compassionate. I’m trying to work on using this approach more with people. Here’s a quote from the website.

“Through the practice of NVC, we can learn to clarify what we are observing, what emotions we are feeling, what values we want to live by, and what we want to ask of ourselves and others. We will no longer need to use the language of blame, judgment or domination. We can experience the deep pleasure of contributing to each others’ well being.

NVC creates a path for healing and reconciliation in its many applications, ranging from intimate relationships, work settings, health care, social services, police, prison staff and inmates, to governments, schools and social change organizations.”

We want our children to be gentle and kind. They are always watching us and imitating us. Therefore, we need to teach them how to be kind and compassionate to others by being kind and compassionate with everyone. Love is the only way to enact change, not violence and aggression. A toddler that throws a cup doesn’t get a drink, but instead, is taught better ways of communicating his/her needs. The same applies to adults. Throwing stuff might feel good but won’t get the change we want to occur. Love always wins in the end!

Think You’re Not Damaged From Being Spanked/Hit? Think Again!

September 4, 2015September 20, 2015 Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

There is a video going around Facebook from a mom who thought it would be funny to show the world that her little boy put on ten pairs of underwear to protect himself from being spanked/hit for, yes this makes sense, hitting his sister. Then she proudly announces that she still spanked/hit him on the leg.

The child looks afraid and has a shy smile on his face during the video. But, pro-spankers can’t see that. They insist that he looks “just fine.”

Then the pro-spankers proceed to laugh at the child’s fear and pain. They applaud his mom for inflicting pain on him, then taking a video of him showing how many pairs of underwear he wore, and proudly proclaiming that his efforts to protect himself didn’t work.

A lot of the pro-spankers insisted that they were not damaged from being spanked/hit as children. They kept laughing at the pain. Then when people like me tried to show them that this wasn’t funny, and that children are human beings too that never deserve to be hit, they went into attack mode.

So, you think you’re not damaged? Think again!

1. Do you laugh at videos showing children fearful and in pain?

2. Do you believe spanking/hitting children is “fine” and even “good?”

3. Are you defensive when people like me stand up for children?

4. Are you unwilling to consider gentle yet firm discipline?

If you answered “Yes” to any of these questions, I’m afraid you are. And if you answered “No” to these questions, then you probably understand you have been damaged by spanking and don’t ever want to hurt your children in the same way.

Here’s the thing. Most damage from spanking/hitting is unseen unless you know what you are looking for. We now have mounds of research from scholars such as Gershoff, Straus, Holden, Turner, and Miller showing that corporal punishment puts children at a higher risk of anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol abuse, domestic violence, brain damage, denial of pain, anger, aggression, learning problems, sexual dysfunction, and continuing the cycle of violence toward children. It even puts children at risk for health problems later in life. Just Google these names and tons of valid, reliable studies will come up. Plus more from others.

People can be sick with cancer and one would never know it by looking at them. Appearances are often deceiving. Pro-spankers tend to exhibit symptoms such as lack of empathy, aggression, and just plain meanness.

This shows that they are indeed damaged by being spanked/hit as children.

I do not want my children laughing at another’s pain. This world would be so much better if people would discipline (teach, guide) children. Violence begets violence. Respect begets respect.

If you read this post and get nothing out of it and still believe you’re not damaged, think again!

The Mocking Tone of Pro-spankers

June 29, 2015September 20, 2015 Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

I am sickened and saddened by the harsh, mocking tone of yet another pro-spanking meme circulating Facebook.

It’s as if being hit and/or hitting a child is not serious. It also further proves that pro-spankers lack empathy and compassion. To truly believe that children need a “good whipping or spanking” in order to learn limits and boundaries shows a lack of regard for the fruits of the Spirit, the child’s feelings and dignity, and for people who were spanked and did not turn out “just fine.” The reality is that if you believe inflicting pain on a child is “ok,” you’re are not fine.

Denial and repression are very strong coping mechanisms when one has been hurt by their parents. It’s easier to deny and repress and even mock the pain rather than deal with it. It’s very sad that this not only perpetuates violence towards children, but it turns some into downright angry and hateful people.

Yes, children who are physically punished/abused can learn empathy, but it is much more difficult for them, and they often learn it from someone other than their parents. The research and actions of pro-spankers clearly demonstrates that physical punishment/abuse limits the development of empathy in children.

But, you can fight this. You can become gentle. I encourage all pro-spankers to search their hearts and ask if they really want their children to be like them; mocking, angry, un-empathetic, degrading, and mean?