Spanking and Cults

June 29, 2023June 30, 2023 Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

I recently read an article about a family that were Fundamental Christians who graduated from Bob Jones University and were working there as well. At the university, students and staff are required to use their medical facility as well as enroll their children into the child care facility on campus. The article goes on to explain how the university requires parents to use the horrible book, in my professional opinion, Baby Wise by Gary Ezzo.

Baby Wise teaches parents to ignore their instincts and not give their infants the responsive care that they need to thrive. According to the book, “healthy, full-term babies are born with the capacity to achieve 7-8 hours of continuous nighttime sleep between seven and ten weeks of age and 10 to 12 hours of sleep by twelve weeks of age.”
― Gary Ezzo

This is not the case. “Generally, newborns sleep about 8 to 9 hours in the daytime and about 8 hours at night. But they may not sleep more than 1 to 2 hours at a time. Most babies don’t start sleeping through the night (6 to 8 hours) without waking until they are about 3 months old, or until they weigh 12 to 13 pounds. About two-thirds of babies are able to sleep through the night on a regular basis by age 6 months” (Stanford Medicine. (2023). https://www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=infant-sleep-90-P02237#:~:text=Most%20babies%20don%27t%20start,basis%20by%20age%206%20months.).

Ezzo tells parents to allow their newborn children to only be fed every three hours and to let their babies cry-it-out for long periods of time to keep them “on schedule.” This can lead to dehydration and failure to thrive. Not to mention that it will harm the attachment between the parents and child.

Bob Jones University also requires that all parents attending or working at the university to allow their children to be spanked/hit at the child care facility on campus. When the above mentioned parents refused to allow their son to be spanked/hit by the child care staff, they were fired. This is when they really got away from fundamental Christianity. This church, as well as many evangelical churches, believe that children are to be “broken” by harsh punishment and extremely strict parenting. Children are not allowed to feel how they feel or to question anything. To do so would incur certain corporal punishment.

As I was reading the article about the couple, the following quote really got me thinking about how the conservative right wing has become a true cult:

“I have no regrets about resisting the pain-driven ideology at Bob Jones University. This practice is exactly why evangelicals vote for authoritarian political candidates like the Donald Trump. They are all that little boy who has to be a limp noodle in front of thousands of approving limp noodles.”

When children are taught that they don’t matter, it makes them more likely to accept a cult since that is how they were raised. They take “comfort” in the control. The children want to belong to the family and group. They are often told that their questions are “evil.” Only the strongest people can break away from this system of thinking. “As Whitsett and Kent noted, ‘In many cultic situations, however, where children receive punishment for questioning adults (not to mention leaders), they quickly learn to suppress autonomous thinking. As a consequence, children’s cognitive development is stunted'” (2003, p. 497). (https://www.icsahome.com/articles/what-impact-do-cults-have-on-children).

Children in authoritarian homes are often isolated from society. They are taught that the outside society is evil. They endure regular spankings, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, and in some cases, even sexual abuse. This always leaves a huge mark on these children. They don’t know who they are outside of their families and their churches. I know many people who have escaped from abusive church cults that are fundamentalist or conservative evangelical. All of them have PTSD, C-PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Yes, they are now being their true selves but still have to deal with the trauma of it all.

I truly believe that I am seeing a definite correlation between the fundamental and evangelical beliefs of total control of people, especially children, and the recent upsurge of cult behavior by people who love Trump and anyone on the right that has a fundamental/evangelical belief background. They are doubling down on trying to force themselves on everyone else. They are persecuting people who are different from themselves. They are desperate for control over the country. And it all begins when a child is born into a family who has these very extreme religious and political beliefs. Teaching the child that his/her own feelings, beliefs, and self must be suppressed in order to obey the group that is in charge—even if it’s “just Mom and Dad.”

As I have written many times throughout my blog posts, authoritarian parenting is harmful to children. “Authoritarian parents are not very emotional or affectionate, and critical of their children if they fail to meet their expectations. Rules should always be used to conduct behavior that is desired. When a child breaks a rule, it should be an opportunity to teach a life lesson and not be punished because they didn’t follow the rules. Unfortunately, strong punishment leads to more misbehavior, rebellion and results in constant power struggles.” (Trautner, 2017, https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/authoritarian_parenting_style#:~:text=The%20negative%20side%20effects%20to,figures%20when%20they%20are%20older ).

May we, as a society, wake up to what is going on in our world and understand that the way we treat children will dictate what what type of society in which we live. In addition, unless we can stop some of these major cults by using gentle parenting as well as exposing the cults for what they are, we will become an authoritarian nation instead of a democracy. Rather than treating our children harshly, thus, making them more vulnerable to cults, authoritarianism, and narcissism. May we respect our children. Don’t hurt them. It’s up to us. Do we want a peaceful as possible world or this divided, authoritarian, warring world? It’s literally in our hands whether we use our hands for love or for pain.

Why I Share My Story Of Abuse

April 29, 2019 Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed1 Comment

April is Child Abuse Awareness Month and anyone who knows me or has been following me or has my first edition of my book, Gentle Firmness, knows that child abuse is something I am extremely passionate about.

I am a child abuse survivor. I was physically, verbally, and emotionally abused by my dad and various other adults until I was 17 years old and finally told people that I was being abused. All abusers make their victims feel shame and guilt. One often thinks, “If only I did better,” or “It’s all my fault.” I still struggle with this and have recently learned of additional abusive behavior that I’ve continued to endure as an adult that I was either unaware of and/or denied it was real. Unfortunately, I continue to get confirmation that this abuse and manipulation is real and am putting a stop to it.

Mental illness runs in my family most likely due to the horrible cycle of abuse. Genes may also play a part in the mental illness of my family. My Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE) score is a 7, which is pretty high, and I struggle with anxiety, PTSD, and depression every day. But every day I work towards healing and helping people.

To not share my story and pain would be like not sharing something that, unfortunately, is a part of me. It would be like denying that I have severe cerebral palsy. While I don’t allow either of these things to define me, I have wounds and scars from my trauma and I believe in using my pain to help others—others who were abused, others who are trying to break the cycle with their own children, and others who need to know that we’re not alone in this. And if I can prevent one child from abuse and heartbreak from the people who are supposed to love them, then it’s all worth it.

Another reason I share my story is to show that there is hope even when it doesn’t always feel like it. Some days are harder than others for us survivors, but we are survivors. There is no shame in getting help professionally. There’s no shame in creating healthy relationships to support you. Abusers and their defenders will make you feel like a horrible person for opening up about your abuse but don’t let them win. This is typical abuser behavior. Unless the abuser gets help, nothing will ever change.

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I hope also try to help people understand that even “normative spankings” are abuse in that corporal punishment can make children at a higher risk of being physically abused. When a parent spanks/hits a child and the child doesn’t obey, the parent may decide to spank/hit even harder. This is a risk for physical abuse even if one doesn’t consider corporal punishment as abuse. No child ever deserves to be hit.

And countless other studies show that corporal punishment is harmful to children and it often includes emotional and verbal abuse because the child is told how “bad” he/she is and how he/she “deserves the spanking.”

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My dad hit me because of my spasms, which are involuntary muscle movements due to my severe cerebral palsy. He also hit me for other things. He was verbally and emotionally abusive as well. He passed away in 2003.

After extensively researching narcissism as well as conferring with a colleague that knows more about this mental illness than meI do, I now believe that both of my parents very likely had/have this disorder. In addition to refusing to admit they were/are wrong, they exhibited/exhibit other key characteristics of narcissism such as a lack of empathy, “an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships” (Mayo Clinic, 2019).

I have been over-analyzing my own behaviors because I am absolutely terrified of getting this mental illness. It’s important to realize that it’s human nature to occasionally be selfish and self-absorbed. It is also human nature to want recognition for accomplishments or to not to want to always admit when we are wrong. Sometimes, like children, we want our own way and lash out when we don’t get our way. This is not narcissistic as long as we recognize these tendencies and can admit that we do some of them occasionally. I know I do these things sometimes but I always admit it. I will always apologize if I am in the wrong.

To have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), one must exhibit at least 5 or more of these characteristics to an abnormal level and not be able to admit that he/she is doing any of this. People with NPD will deny that they have it and will make their victims believe that it’s the victims’ fault, not theirs. And as with any kind of illness, there is a spectrum wherein each individual lies. Some people have narcissistic tendencies and some have NPD. Unfortunately, because people with narcissistic tendencies or NPD will absolutely not seek help for this mental illness, it’s very difficult to diagnose. These people usually seek treatment for depression or anxiety but not narcissism (Bressert, 2019). In addition to this, NPD and other personality disorders can have the same kind of characteristics.

It has also been suggested that the stigma of mental illness can be associated with narcissism (Arikan, 2005, https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/aadd/5cd265bcaeeaff77d9ce4fe16abf4ad39dc8.pdf).

I forgive my parents and other abusers and their defenders, but I cannot remain silent. This is now a part of my story and I will tell it in a respectful manner. Because people with NPD or narcissistic tendencies are masters at manipulation, one must put up strong boundaries and stand firm. Otherwise, through manipulation that isn’t always obvious, these people will break the boundaries. Walking away from them is the best way to protect oneself and hopefully get them to get help. But nothing is guaranteed with this mental illness.

One can and must forgive his/her abusers because the forgiveness is more about setting oneself free from harboring anger and resentment towards them. However, this does not mean letting the abusers off the hook. I can’t do this myself. Forgiveness also does not mean that you have to reconcile with them. It just means you are able to work through the pain and heal.

I also don’t believe that all abusers are narcissistic or have a mental illness. The cycle is so hard to break especially when the community is actually encouraging the abuse and the silence of the children and adults. I’m aware of many abusers and/or pro-spankers that have realized that they were wrong and have apologized for it. They change the way they parent or interact with their grown children. Change is possible!

I am learning how to not be in toxic relationships with people who continue to hurt me. This is far from easy but having healthy relationships is crucial for healing and recovery. Getting psychotherapy is a must. And I heal from getting tattoos so I recently got the tattoo below. It was very emotional for me but reminds me that I am a SURVIVOR! I need this on the days that feel impossible to get through.

9DE0F5AC-2496-49C1-AD53-628FB49CCFD9 — Narcissistic survivor tattoo by Todd Bass

Gentle parenting is prevention for child abuse. If parents understand typical child development, then I believe that they are less likely to spank/hit or otherwise abuse their children. Therefore, I will never stop sharing my story. It is a part of my healing process. I don’t do it out of spite. I do it because I understand the pain and struggle after trauma and abuse.

May we value children and stop child abuse someday for good!

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References:

Arikan, K. (2005). A Stigmatizing Attitude Towards Psychiatric Illness is Associated with Narcissistic Personality Traits. Psychiatry Relat Sci Vol 42 No. 4 pp. 248–250

Black, R. (2019). Personality Disorders: A Guide to the Ten Different Types. Retrieved https://www.psycom.net/personality-disorders-10-different-types/

Bressert, S. (2019). Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Retrieved from https://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder/

Goodtherapy. (2018). Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE). Retrieved from https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/ace-questionnaire

Psychology Today. (2019). Narcissism. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/narcissism

Mayo Clinic. (2019). Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Retrieved from https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662

The Need To Hurt Others…

January 22, 2019 Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

My sister-in- law sent me this meme, and I am forever grateful because I am going through a lot right now. I’m far from perfect, but I truly believe that this applies to ALL ages and ALL relationships.

I tell my story and advocate for those who don’t have a voice because I want my pain to do good. If my pain helps others, then it’s all worth it!

42f06e49-8dc4-49db-99cd-02e8d9c5ba6d — Source is unknown.

Christmas, Bullying, And Raising Kind, Compassionate Children.

December 31, 2018 Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

I can’t believe it’s Christmas time again. Well, it was when I began writing this post.

If you’re anything like me, you enjoy helping others in need all year-round, but especially this time of the year. There are so many people in need and we are called to help them.

Unfortunately, this time of year also brings out the greediness in many. You usually see this on Black Friday (which starts on Thanksgiving night now) and just before Christmas when people fight over the products that they must have.

Our children are aware of all of this. They are also aware of when we are unkind to each other and them. Conversely, they’re also aware of our kindness and compassion for each other.

This is why I was sickened and angered by this dad who forced his daughter to walk to school which is miles away while he videotaped her in order to punish her for bullying.

Punishment is also a form of bullying because it teaches children how to force people to do what they want. It is a temporary, ineffective solution to any behavioral issues, but especially for bullying. Most bullying is the result of bullies feeling powerless because there’s either too much control in the home, i.e. authoritarian parenting (very controlling and punitive), or not enough care and acknowledgment, i.e.neglectful and permissive parenting. Some children (and adults) are so desperate for control and power that they will target seemingly weaker people. They push and push until they get the reaction they want and then they feel powerful being over the other person.

While I completely understand the seriousness of bullying as I have been bullied and made fun of my whole life, and I just dealt with a cyber bully, I feel like the dad just reinforced the bully mentality by making his daughter walk to school and video it.

What did it teach her about kindness and respect? NOTHING! And his demeanor was very punitive and bullyish. Forcing her to walk in the cold while he followed her in his truck and videoed the whole thing is punishment, not a consequence of her actions. And SHE was also bullied herself. Think maybe she was trying to exercise power over others like they had done to her? There is no excuse for bullying, but you have to understand all the reasons why a child is behaving in a certain manner so that you can work with him/her and teach him/her.

Children learn what they live. As I said, I just recently had a cyber bullying incident that I had to report to Facebook. Both children and adults get behind their screens and say things that they usually wouldn’t ever say to the other person’s face. I have not been a bully but I have been harsh online and have had to apologize for my behavior. Saying anything cruel and calling names is bullying and verbal and emotional abuse!

It’s very important to realize that people of any age that act poorly usually feel poorly. If one feels good about oneself, usually they don’t have the need to exercise control or get a reaction from another person. There’s no need to purposefully hurt another person when you have healthy self-compassion. Bullies are trying to get/do one of two things:

Exercise control over a weaker person to feel powerful and inflict pain so that someone else can feel the pain that they are feeling.
To get a negative reaction from the victim as well as attention from others.

I would be very upset if I had a child and my child ever bullied another child. Social media and other media outlets are showing bullying to children. So the first two things I would ask if my child was being a bully is “What have I been doing to contribute to this?” And, “Why is my child feeling like he/she has to bully?” There is a reason for all unwanted behaviors. I would work on the connection between my child and me.

I would limit screen time for my child and insist on knowing every account they have. Many children and adults have secret accounts for bullying and other inappropriate things that they don’t want anyone else to know about. It is crucial to be an active participant in our children’s online activities. We need to stop cyber bullying and teach children that cyber bullying is also never okay. If they see online bullying, they should put an eyeball 👁 emoji in the comments. And cyber bullying must always be reported!

I would have many long discussions with my child about why it’s NEVER ok to bully. I would read books with him/her about people who were bullied. I would role play to teach kindness. I would have him/her do community service with me.

Teaching children unconditional kindness is so important. Unconditional kindness is when we do something kind to someone without expecting any type of reward or credit for it . This is true kindness.

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Another critical thing I would do is teach my children about all different people and not do anything to criticize differences. When disability, culture, religion, age, race, and sexuality differences are understood, there’s less bullying because children learn that we’re all humans and we deserve equality and respect no matter what! This is why I wrote my children’s book about my cerebral palsy which is currently being illustrated. When we understand someone very different than us, it leads to kindness and compassion (unless the person is mentally ill and unable to be kind).

Finally, I would take the child to and from school and check in with her/his teacher until I could trust him/her again. Gentle parenting is more work than just punishment. Most parents don’t do anything because they don’t know how.

This is an excellent article about helping bullies become more empathetic and compassionate with others.

Understanding what drives bullies is crucial to both stopping and preventing it. Teaching children empathy and compassion is so important. And Christmas time is a great time to really teach this so it will continue year-long. When children see and are involved with more giving than receiving, they’re taught about empathy for people who aren’t as well off as they might be. It also teaches gratefulness and that they are not entitled to get anything.

Christmas and New Years’ is a time to get involved with different charities. It’s also a time to reflect on our relationships with our children and other people. Children need our love and a deep connection with us. They need to see healthy relationships with people. This is vital for teaching empathy, compassion, and love towards others. They also need us to teach them healthy coping skills for their negative emotions.

I believe most bullies can be reformed if they are worked with for a while. It may not happen overnight but we have the power to show them what empathy and compassion looks like. We can soften a harden heart by helping them deal with their own pain that is causing them to bully. We can teach them gently that greed and entitlement are bad.

Here is another excellent article about how to deal with bullying.

Children who witness bullying should always report it to a trusted adult. If they are being bullied, they should do their best not to react and walk away to report it. I believe teaching children self-defense is also important. Taekwondo and karate are wonderful ways of accomplishing this!

This Bible verse came up in my devotional recently during my cyber bullying incident. It comforted me and applies to everyone even if one isn’t a believer.

“But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High; for He Himself is kind to ungrateful and evil men” (Luke 6:35, NASB).

As we enter the new year, may we use gentle parenting to prevent bullying and raise kind, compassionate children! I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and will have a happy, healthy, blessed New Year!

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Instant Gratification

May 5, 2018 Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

As I continue on my journey towards physical and emotional health after my health scare over the fall and winter along with the three major deaths that occurred in a row, I have good and bad days. While the bad days are slowly getting less and less, they still really upset me. I had no idea how hard I am on myself until I started meditating.

It makes sense though due to experiencing so much verbal and emotional abuse throughout my childhood from various people. As I’ve written many times, how we speak to our children affects them so much. They are vulnerable and they can’t just rationalize a mean remark, especially from the adults in their lives. Negative self-talk becomes ingrained in us for life.

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I’m working so hard on trying to retrain my brain that it doesn’t need to be in a heightened state of fight or fight. I will be honest with you and say that this is something I must deal with daily…The anxiety and PTSD can be very overwhelming.

I honestly don’t feel like anyone, except those that deal with emotional issues, truly understand that it’s a constant struggle to keep it under control. I’m getting better but I meditate and distract myself beyond the official meditation time I take just to keep myself under control as much as possible so I can enjoy life to the best of my ability. After all, Jesus died so I could have life. I’m beyond grateful that He understands everything I’m going through (Hebrews 4:15).

As I was doing my daily meditation the other morning with the Calm app, the daily calm was about how meditation can help people achieve major success in their health, but that should not be the goal of meditation. As with everything, there’s no quick fix. Meditation is a tool to help us build mindfulness and awareness of the present moment.

This got me to thinking about instant gratification. We all want it when we are suffering. We want that quick fix. That’s why parents spank/hit, yell, and shame their children. It’s much easier and faster to punish children than it is to actually work with them. Gentle parenting is a ton of work because it’s not aiming for short term goals but rather long term.

But instant gratification feels so good. We want everything now. This begins at an early age because infants do usually need things right away. They don’t mean to be this way. They just have to have a lot of attention. As they get older, we can let them wait a few minutes to get a need met, if appropriate.

As children continue growing up, we think it’s our job to teach them that instant gratification is a bad thing. Some parents are especially hard on their children starting in infancy to try to stop their children from being “demanding.” They ignore, isolate, spank/hit, arbitrarily take things away from them and/or arbitrarily say “no.” In other words, harsh and abusive techniques are used on these children.

The problem is that the parents are actually teaching their children instant gratification! If you want something then you use force to get it. This is the essence of instant gratification!

Gentle parenting is the exact opposite! By taking the time to meet children’s needs and really take the time to teach them, we are modeling selflessness. Taking the time to sit with your toddler for the umpteenth time today with a meltdown is teaching delayed gratification. It would be so much easier to just lock children in their rooms for a little while and not deal with them, but by not doing this, you’re teaching them that their needs are very important.

Please understand that I encourage parents to regularly take time for themselves and do self-care!

Another way we all teach children instant gratification is by cutting in front of people, getting really upset when things don’t go as planned, and running out to buy the newest and greatest technologies. Most of the time we don’t even know we’re doing it. It is so ingrained in us and our society. We want everything NOW!

As the late and great Tom Petty sang, “The waiting is the hardest part!” It really is. Waiting for results or anything else that we really want is very hard for all ages.

But by doing our best to remain in the present moment, trying to be patient, and learning to be grateful for what we do have, we practice delayed gratification and teach it to our children.

Taking turns, putting others first, helping people when we really don’t want to help at that moment, using limits and boundaries with children, being in the present moment, and enjoying the simple things are other ways to delay instant gratification.

Children can actually teach us about delayed gratification because they are usually in the present moment and enjoy the simple things. Therefore, the next time you’re tempted to hurry along your dawdling toddler, try stopping and enjoying the moment. This is how we practice and teach delayed gratification.

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Fear And Abuse: A Short Post

April 17, 2018April 17, 2018 Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

April is Child Abuse Awareness Month. When I got on Facebook today, I noticed someone had shared something I wrote two years ago.

I shared it even though I might get backlash from certain people. As I continue to struggle and work towards getting my emotional health back after so much trauma, I can definitely attest to this:

Fear is not a good thing. When a child’s brain is wired with fear from harsh/abusive parenting, he/she will likely suffer with anxiety for the rest of his/her life. This is not good and can make the person feel like a failure because no matter how hard he/she tries, he/she can’t always overcome the intense, overwhelming fear and anxiety. Please use trust, connection, and love to parent.

I don’t think I would have half the issues I had if it weren’t for the abuse I suffered. 😔

Stay tuned! I hope to get more posts written.

Original image from https://www.livescience.com/17031-penn-state-child-abuse-eyewitness-psychology.html

My Child Abuse Awareness Ribbon Tattoo

June 27, 2017 Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

About a week ago I got my beautiful child abuse awareness ribbon tattoo. It came out so much better than I imagined!

It’s serious but I wanted something to give hope and the flowers do just that! I honestly think it’s the best child abuse awareness tattoo I have ever seen. I’m very grateful to my tattoo artist for coming up with it! Please see my other tattoo posts on my getting tattoos with my severe cerebral palsy.

Child abuse is 100% preventable! Sadly, many pro-spanking advocates try to claim that spankings prevent abuse but any type of hitting is abuse because it leaves marks that are not always visible. Plus, if one believes she/he can inflict pain on another human being, he/she will.

Research also shows that spankings usually increase in intensity, putting the child at a higher risk of being abused.

Then there’s the emotional and verbal abuse that often goes with the physical abuse, like telling the child that “you made me do it.” Or that “you deserve it.” Basically putting the child down in any way is verbal and emotional abuse. The child never makes one do anything. This is victim blaming.

Finally, there’s sexual abuse and sometimes this occurs alone or with the physical abuse because, for some, spanking children is sexually arousing which is absolutely disgusting.

I believe that we have to educate people to get them to see that children are unique people. Understanding child development is crucial for stopping child abuse. And allowing corporal punishment with children does not decrease child abuse! And one should never say he/she is against child abuse when he/she is advocating for corporal punishment.

It shouldn’t matter how old or big someone is, he/she should be protected from having harm inflicted on him/her by another person. It should not be left up to parents concerning how much pain can be inflicted on their children because “children can be subjected to an incredible amount of pain and suffering before our perception of parental prerogative changes to one of parental abuse” (Quinn, 1988, p.19).”

While April is child abuse awareness month, every day children are being abused by the very people who are supposed to care for them. I got my child abuse awareness ribbon tattoo to remind myself why I keep fighting for children’s rights even though it doesn’t always feel like I’m making a difference. It will also make the public aware of child abuse all year long.

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Reference:Quinn, P. E. (1988). Spare the Rod. Nashville, TN: Abingdon Press.

A Mishmash Of Thoughts

May 6, 2017 Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed1 Comment

This post may be all over the place but it’s based on things I have experienced this week. It was a rough week as May 2nd was the one year anniversary of my dear grandpa going Home. I have really struggled with his passing. He and I were extremely close and he was a wonderful grandfather who never intentionally hurt me.

Since my family has not had any “official” services for him yet and I won’t be able to go to them due to financial issues and a cat who has chronic diseases and is not yet ready to die, I had my own private funeral service on Tuesday May 2nd that included getting a beautiful tattoo.

I kept thinking “goodbye grandpa” during the tattoo which is on my upper right arm. The tattoo came out perfectly! Parts of it hurt like heck as the inside of one’s arm is much more sensitive, but my tattoo artist and my husband encouraged me during the tough parts and I breathed and laughed my way through it. I cried when it was done.

I’m not letting go but I finally feel so at peace that he is physically gone. I miss him and my mother-in-law so much, but I just couldn’t get comfortable with Grandpa being gone until until I got this memorial tattoo. Plus, he deserved a detailed tattoo. I LOVE my first tattoo which is for him but I was feeling guilty that everybody else has detailed tattoos and he didn’t. So now that I know I can get detailed tattoos, I’m happy I got one for him and the jacket that was his. She made it look like a watercolor.

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However, I have been experiencing some things that prove how important respect is. I haven’t felt very respected and that has made me lash out. I didn’t repay evil for evil, but I could have done better.

When adults and children don’t feel respected and heard, it makes them angry. That’s why children usually act out. They need connections and respect. But it is so hard when you’re doing your best to be respectful and the other person doesn’t respect you. Children don’t mean to be disrespectful as they are still learning how to respect. But adults should know better.

I also feel like, based on my own experiences as well as observations, people of all ages tend to want to control and manipulate others that they feel are weaker. These people usually have emotional problems that make them need to feel powerful and in control by manipulating the weaker person.

We see this all the time with the parent-child dyad. The parent finally has someone they can control and manipulate after they were controlled and manipulated as children. They may be doing it unconsciously, but they do it nonetheless. Others are fully aware of what they are doing.

But another group that is often controlled and manipulated, sometimes even by family, are people with disabilities. I have severe cerebral palsy and I often feel like people don’t respect me. No matter how old I get, I often get treated as a child. Of course, anyone who knows my story knows that I was physically, verbally, and emotionally abused by my late dad. I was also emotionally abused by my school aide.

In addition to dealing the my grief of losing my mother-in-law and grandpa as well as dealing with my beloved kitty going downhill and other life stresses, I have felt very disrespected. Trying to have boundaries and protect myself while remaining Christ-like is not easy.

Of course, this makes me think of children. We need to respect their personal boundaries as we set our own boundaries with them. It is such a helpless feeling knowing that someone you love is trying to control, manipulate, and make you feel guilty for something that you didn’t do. I’m 35 and I’m really struggling with it and I don’t always handle it as well as I should. It’s no wonder that children have meltdowns and anxiety and feel so out of control when we try to control, manipulate, and shame them. I can relate so much to the feelings children have.

I am at peace with the loss of my grandpa and I am thankful for that. At the same time, it comes to light that we all need to be respected by the people we love no matter what our age is. I don’t believe that elders deserve respect just because they are older. I believe respect is earned. It must be mutual. It cannot be forced. If it is forced, it leads to strong resentment.

I guess that is my mishmash of thoughts. I hope it helps someone else dealing with similar things. I also hope it helps parents to see how important it is to respect their children. Only through respecting our children will they learn to respect others.

“Do Not Repay Evil For Evil.”

April 5, 2017April 7, 2017 Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

“Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men” (Romans 12:17, NASB).

“Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing” (1 Peter 3:9, ESV).

I have been going through a great deal of things recently. I was badly hurt by some people. Believe me, I have been tempted to repay evil for evil, but that is not what God wants us to do. I am far from perfect, but I am really doing my best to not repay evil.

I have learned a few things as I continue to work through the hurt, anger, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and anxiety from the recent incidents and they also apply to gentle parenting.

1. Scolding harshly just shuts children and adults down. It’s true. Scolding anyone of any age just makes them feel angry, defensive, small, and helpless. This is especially true when a child has not even done anything wrong. And often harsh scolding is abusive and/or shaming, which is very harmful and hurtful.

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1, NASB).

2. People of all ages act badly when they feel badly. This is a common idea throughout gentle parenting. Realizing why a child is acting out is so important because he/she is usually feeling badly either physically or emotionally or both. When we stop to see behind the behavior, we see a whole new picture that changes, hopefully, the way we respond to the child. The same is true with adults. Being lashed out at by an adult is harder for me to deal with than if it was a child. Yet, when I am really hurting, I tend to lash out too. But I have learned that trying to be quiet and not lash out is always the best way to go. Easier said than done, though.

3. Mutual respect is key for healthy relationships. From the moment a child is conceived, he/she should be respected. Teaching respect means being respectful by not doing anything to the child that you know will intentionally hurt them such as cry-it-out, saying harsh words to them, manipulating them either physically or emotionally or both, and spanking/hitting them. I often feel like people don’t truly respect me and that’s so hard when I’m trying to be respectful. Again, I am far from perfect, but without mutual respect, one person will be walked all over by the other person. The only way I know to encourage mutual respect is to teach it to children. And just because someone is disabled or different doesn’t mean they don’t deserve the same respect as everyone else!

“Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor;” (Romans 12:10, NASB).

“and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ” (Ephesians 5:21, NASB).

4. PTSD, anxiety, and sensitivity are real and not weaknesses. Due to being abused throughout my childhood by my dad and a school personal aide, I have all of these things. When people I am close to say “mean” things to me–whether it’s intentional or not-– it triggers my anxiety and PTSD. I’m left debilitated for a while. For children, saying mean, hurtful things will only tear them down and may lead to anxiety and PTSD. Some children, as I was , and still am, are quite sensitive. Unfortunately, being sensitive is often looked down upon and seen as a weakness. Then people try to use this to manipulate and control these children and adults. This is not ok! If everyone was sensitive and empathetic, the world would be a much better place!

5. Despite the common Christian doctrine that we’re born selfish, selfishness is a learned behavior. Children raised with respect, compassion, empathy, and love usually learn to be the same. These children are more competent in social interactions and have a lower rate of anti-social behaviors. People raised with selfishness can learn how not to be, but many remain selfish until the day they die. If we want less selfishness in the world, we need to learn how to be selfless! And we must teach our children how to be selfless by modeling it to them daily.

“Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;” (Philippians 2:3, NASB).

6. We must forgive while not allowing people to walk all over us. Boundaries and limits are a must for children and adults in our life. Children usually cooperate with boundaries and limits when they understand the reason behind them. Adults, however, can be more complicated because they don’t always respect the limits and boundaries. Sometimes all we can do is to put more space between us and them to protect ourselves. I’m still figuring out how to do this.

Also when we forgive, we should never throw stuff back in their faces when we are upset with them. That isn’t fair. We don’t forget but we move on if we can with the relationship. Otherwise, it might be better to get out of a toxic relationship.

7. We can’t control others but we can control ourselves. The best thing is to focus on controlling our responses to others. We are the only one that we can control.

I’m still working on all of this. If everyone would do their best to work on these things, I truly believe that we’d have healthier relationships.

“So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets” (Matthew 7:12, ESV).

Processed with MOLDIV

Fear Of Failure, Cerebral Palsy, And A Tattoo!

September 25, 2016September 26, 2016 Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed5 Comments

I just got my first tattoo last week. I was so nervous because I can’t control my muscles at all due to my severe cerebral palsy and I hate pain. But I am now the proud owner of a tattoo in honor of my grandpa who went Home in May.

I know some people believe it’s against the Bible to get a tattoo but when you study the cultural and historical context of the Bible, pagans were doing it for other gods. Plus, it wasn’t sterile or at all like it is now if you go to a reputable tattoo parlor. Here is a great article about the cultural and historical context of the Bible when it comes to tattoos.

I felt God with me the whole time and He put the verse, “I can do all things through Him who gives me strength” in my head that morning and while she did it. Plus, I feel closer to my mom having a matching tattoo with her! The whole thing has been wonderful and all good things come from God! And my tattoo comforts me every time I miss my grandpa.

I have wanted a tattoo for years but didn’t think I could stay still for it, especially since pain and anxiety make me move more. So the first thing I did once I decided I was definitely doing this was to Google “people with cerebral palsy getting tattoos.” I was very encouraged to find many people with cerebral palsy have tattoos. Even so, I was still anxious about whether or not it would work for me.

After researching this thoroughly, my husband and I went in August to meet with a tattoo artist at our local tattoo parlor which came highly recommended. I was very nervous when we went because I figured that they would see my involuntary movements and reject me. I am terrified of rejection because I have been rejected so many times throughout my life. Rather, I was met with total acceptance!

The guy we met talked to me like everyone else and listened when I talked. That means A LOT to me since some people look at my severe disability and assume that I am mentally disabled. And my speech is very slurred making it difficult to understand me if you don’t know me well.

I immediately told the tattoo artist that I can’t control my muscles so I was worried if it would even work. He asked where I wanted the tattoo and I had him feel my thigh so he knew how the muscles would contract. Of course we explained that we’d make my feet straps tighter and that my mom would be here to help hold me. I also took medicine to help control some of my spasms.

I was so excited for the next three weeks. I was also very nervous because even though the artist and the shop owner didn’t think there would be any problem with doing a tattoo on me, I was terrified that I would fail.

Ever since I was very young, I have been terrified of failure. As you can read in this post and this post, many people would look at me and not believe I could do things. I learned from a very early age that I had to always prove myself to people. Plus, I was verbally abused by various people growing up and I saw how my dad reacted angrily when my older siblings didn’t live up to his expectations. I still feel like this today. So I felt like I had to prove that I could handle the tattoo.

I can’t stress enough the importance of building our children up. They need to learn how to believe in themselves. This does not mean we make them proud as humility is a virtue. But humility does not mean feeling like you never measure up or always have to be afraid of failing. Humility means that you put others before you and you don’t think you’re better than everyone else. But feeling poorly about yourself is not humility.

Nobody should have to struggle with anxiety like I do due to how I was treated as a child and throughout my life by certain people. Thankfully, my husband and mom had complete faith in me as did many of my friends.

Well, the night before my tattoo appointment my artist who was supposed to do my tattoo contacted us because something came up and he couldn’t do it the next day. Yes, I had a little panic attack but he made sure someone else could do it. The lady we got was wonderful. She has done tattoos on people with cerebral palsy and multiple sclerosis. That helped put me at ease.

The day of my tattoo, I was so nervous. Again, I was afraid that I would fail. That the pain would be too much for me and I would move too much. But Candace immediately put me at ease. She was quickly able to figure out my spasms and work around them. Every time she initially put the needle down, my startle reflex would make me jump. But once that happened, she knew to keep going and I was fine. There were a few “ouch” moments where I made my husband talk more and I had to distract myself more but it wasn’t bad. I now have a BEAUTIFUL purple Mickey Mouse outline and a BEAUTIFUL red Corvette outline in honor of my dear grandpa! She was gentle and it was over before I knew it! I hugged her as I was so happy with her work.

The significance of my tattoo: Mickey Mouse is because when I was 15, Grandma and Grandpa took me to Disney World over my Christmas break. We saw the Christmas parade, rode on rides, and they arranged a private meeting with Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse and Goofy and other characters. I believe in signs from people in Heaven and ever since Grandpa went Home, I’ve seen Mickey everywhere despite Hello Kitty being more popular than Mickey nowadays. The Corvette is because my grandpa LOVED Corvettes. He was never without one since I was born. He was a mechanic and worked for BF Goodrich and loved working on cars. So he would buy Corvettes, fix them up, enjoy them, then sell them. My mom is a Corvette owner after 50 years, so getting the red corvette honors him for both of us AND is fun to have matching tattoos with my mom!

I have a major sense of accomplishment and I’m grateful to God for helping me through it! I loved watching my mom get her matching Corvette in honor of Grandpa who was her dad. And whenever I miss my grandpa, I just look at my tattoo!

I don’t know if I will ever be free from my fear of failure. But I do know that God wants me to use my pain to help others. Children deserve nothing but respect as do people with disabilities. Just because I am severely disabled does not mean I can’t live a “normal as possible” life. We just need more assistance. If you are reading this and want a tattoo that is meaningful to you and you’re disabled, I’m living proof that you can do it!

We can do all things through Him who gives us strength!