Unconditional

December 23, 2020 Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

How many things are truly unconditional? It’s almost Christmas and we tell children that Santa will bring them presents if they are good. We put Elf on the shelf so that they know he is watching them for Santa. I know that some families play games with this toy but many people don’t.

Love is supposed to be unconditional but it often demands things from others or it’s removed when the child misbehaves—no matter how old he/she is. Christian doctrine teaches that God is love but one must say the “right prayer” to avoid going to “Hell.” I feel like true unconditional love is rare. I have seen both in my life and now it’s even more apparent with the pandemic. Love for our neighbors means doing everything we can to protect them from COVID-19 by wearing masks, social distancing, washing hands frequently, and staying home for Christmas with immediate family.

And children should have presents just because they are loved; not because they were good. The real St. Nick gave to the poor and helped the oppressed because he was kind and loving. He didn’t expect anything from them. Here’s a wonderful video on the history of Santa.

Have you ever just given something to someone without telling anyone or given something to a complete stranger who needs help? These have been the most rewarding experiences for me. This is loving people unconditionally.

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I believe that respect is earned but love is not. Love, especially for children, should never ever be earned. This doesn’t mean that we have to be involved with toxic people. Love them by walking away from them.

I understand that some people have very high-needs children and it is really hard but they should love their children for who they are. Speaking from my own experience of being a very high-needs child as well as having a parent ask in a Facebook group about what to do to prevent damage from not being able to meet every single need, I believe that it is more important to explain to the child that we are trying our best and validate the child.

However, coming from an abusive, narcissistic home and struggling to come to terms with my own mother being narcissistic and and that she will never be able to be a good mom to me, what hurts is parents not talking about it in a healthy way. I have severe cerebral palsy and even my husband can’t meet every emotional need I have and sometimes he gets frustrated which is human but it triggers me. The difference is that he is truly trying and admits to his shortcomings. I do the same.

But with narcissistic parents, they don’t care and won’t admit that they are falling short. In these cases and other abusive situations, the love is not unconditional. I think as long as one has a good connection with his/her child and teaches healthy coping skills, the child may need help later on in life, but he/she shouldn’t have the same amount of pain and damage that us who were abused by our narcissistic parents have.

Accepting that one’s child is different than the parent is unconditional love. When this happens and children have very different personalities than the parents, the best thing that parents can do is accept it and support the children. Get involved with at least one activity that the child enjoys. And share each other’s interests with each other knowing that it’s ok to be so different. Yes, it is hard at times but the key is to validate and accept.

This Christmas, with so many people sick and dying from COVID-19, let’s remember the little Baby that came to Earth to try and teach us what unconditional love is. Or if you don’t celebrate Christmas, please think about how you can make this world better by loving people instead of being selfish.

Have a peaceful Holiday season. We remember all who we lost this year. May 2021 eventually be a better year!

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Do You Resent Your Child?

August 15, 2019August 15, 2019 Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

I hear that being a parent is very hard work and I agree even though I am not a parent. Most of my friends have children. My husband has a son. Therefore, I see and hear about all the sacrifices that they have gladly made. I get to witness some of these sacrifices my friends choose to make for their children. It’s not always fun but they do it out of love.

Teachers also make sacrifices for the children in their classes. I did. I had to do my best to be at my best for the children I worked with. Did I get exasperated when a toddler was high spirited or had behavioral problems and needed extra attention? Yes! Did I feel stressed out when I worked with infants and they all started crying at the same time with only my aide and me in the room? Yes!

However, I never held it against them because I chose to be a teacher and I understood that they were just being themselves. I understand how the child brain works so to hold that against them would have deeply hurt my connections with them. Children are also very perceptive. They can feel our stress and negative vibes.

I am severely physically disabled and I understand that I am a lot of work. It must be even more difficult to parent a child with a disability because he/she requires even more care and can’t always do activities that typical children can, especially children with sensory issues such as aversion to loud noises. Should it be held against a child if he/she gets overwhelmed by crowds or loud noises? No, of course not, because it’s out of their control!

According to dictionary.com, the definition of resentment is:

“noun

the feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person,etc., regarded as causing injury or insult.”

So a person who feels resentment towards his/her children believes that the children have caused “injury or insult” to him/her and holds it against them. These people are not able to let it go. Let’s face it, children will hurt us sometimes but they usually don’t truly mean it. And children are born with the ability to love unconditionally.

They didn’t ask to be conceived and born. They didn’t ask to have an immature brain that doesn’t allow them to have total impulse control over their behaviors. And children with disabilities didn’t ask for it either!

I know parents don’t ask for their children to be disabled or high spirited. However, by choosing to become a parent, parents should be ready for anything even if this means asking for help when they are overwhelmed and don’t know what to do or are exhausted. I understand that getting help and support isn’t always easy and our country has much work to do in supporting families of every type. Organizations also need to step up the resources and support for families. But help is out there.

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Your screaming baby isn’t screaming just to drive you to tears. He/She needs you and may not be able to sleep. It’s not the baby’s fault. Your preschooler isn’t hitting you and having meltdowns just to embarrass you or make you crazy. He/She just don’t have the ability to deal with big feelings without your help. The child needs you to gently but firmly guide him/her through the process. It’s not the child’s fault. Your teenager isn’t saying mean things to you because he/she truly means it. Teens still require help dealing with strong emotions and it’s not their fault. Children need discipline and care.

Your child with disabilities isn’t trying to hold you back because he/she requires your constant care. The child needs you! It’s not his/her fault!

Children learn a lot from the adults around them. They must learn about empathy, grace, and unconditional love in order to give it back. It’s true that parents will get angry, frustrated, and exasperated with their children. They will need breaks and self care. But parents have chosen to be the child’s parents, therefore, to hold everything against the child is not appropriate. If a parent is feeling resentful of the children, then he/she must seek help from professionals. If not, then the relationship with the children will be tainted and may even become abusive.

Parenting is the hardest job in the world. Believe it or not, so is being a child trying to learn and navigate through this new world. Respect the children and the children will respect their parents unless they have a mental illness that needs addressing. Respect begets respect. Resentment begets broken relationships.

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The “Strong-Willed” Child

February 29, 2016 Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

So many Christians view “strong-willed” children in a very negative light. There’s a book by James Dobson entitled The Strong-Willed Child that I can’t stand. Dobson’s way of punishing these children include multiple spankings/hittings and other harsh punishments in order to break their wills. Equating love with pain has been proven to be damaging to children.

I’m well aware that Dobson claims all research proving spanking is “harmful” to children is somehow “biased.” As someone who has conducted my own scholarly research, I can assure you that strict guidelines are upheld. There are many more studies showing the harmful effects of spanking than the few small studies claiming “loving” spanking isn’t harmful. It makes me feel physically ill that many Christians use this horrible book on their children.

Yet, in the Bible, we see that God uses many strong-willed people to do His Will!

The most strong-willed person in the Bible that God used to do so much good for the kingdom of God, I believe, is the Apostle Paul.

We see in Acts 9:1-2, and even in the previous chapter, that we meet Paul first as Saul, a devout Hellenistic Jew and a Pharisee that enjoyed persecuting Christians. He approved of the stoning of Stephen in Acts 8:1. Needless to say, this Saul guy was one bad dude. And yet, God had a radical plan for Saul. In Acts 9, we see that as Saul was on his way to Damascus to persecute even more Christians, Jesus got Saul’s attention in a big but non-painful way. Saul went blind. Jesus asked Saul why he was persecuting Him in Acts 9:4. Jesus told Saul to meet a man in Damascus who would tell him what to do. Saul, blind, obeyed God and look what happened:

“Then Ananias went to the house and entered it. Placing his hands on Saul, he said, ’Brother Saul, the Lord—Jesus, who appeared to you on the road as you were coming here—has sent me so that you may see again'” (Acts 9:17-19, NIV).

From this moment on, Saul, who became Paul, lived his life for God, fearlessly proclaiming the gospel to all surrounding nations despite numerous beatings, imprisonments, and shipwrecks. Through the Holy Spirit, Paul wrote between thirteen and fourteen books of the New Testament—this is over half of the New Testament.

And anyone who is very familiar with the New Testament knows that Paul tells it like it is. He didn’t sugarcoat anything that God inspired him to write. He encouraged his fellow believers, but also rebuked and corrected them in his letters. Through Paul, God gained many believers into His kingdom.

God did not break Paul’s will. God molded Paul’s will into doing good instead of persecuting Christians. Had God broken Paul’s will, do you believe Paul would have clung to God through all the suffering he went through to share salvation through Jesus Christ?

Broken, compliant people are usually not strong people in that they find it very difficult to press against the tide. Strong-willed people have an easier time of questioning authority. They also have an easier time of pressing on when persecution occurs.

“We are struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. For we who live are constantly being delivered over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So death works in us, but life in you” (2 Corinthians 4:8-12, NASB).

What I wish Christians would stop doing is viewing children as “strong-willed” and “manipulative.” And view them as intelligent, high spirited children who need much connection and guidance.

We should involve them in decisions about how the family needs to get things done. We also need to provide them with appropriate alternatives for limits. For example, “You may not go upstairs right now but you can help with making dinner.” Or “Yes, you may go upstairs after I finish vacuuming. I need you to pick up that toy.”

Having high spirited children can be very challenging. But they can be disciplined without punishment. These children need to be heard. They need some control over their environment. They need lots of connection with us. They also need to have a great deal of consistency. By taking the time to truly work with high spirited children, we can channel that strong will into doing good and, ultimately, God’s Will.

I highly recommend the book, Raising Your Spirited Child.