Manners – Disciplining With Gentle Firmness

That was the message I got throughout my childhood. I would try to say that I was sorry to avoid being hit or yelled at and my parents would say, “Sorry isn’t good enough” either outright or through hurting me in some way to punish me for whatever I either truly did wrong or they perceived as wrong.

I, unfortunately, now say “Sorry” a lot and I mean it but my therapist said that it comes from my childhood abuse and that I say it too much, even when I am not in the wrong. I hate conflicts and try to fix them as soon as possible, but I keep having relationships that reinforce the “Sorry isn’t good enough” message. It is a major trigger for me when people don’t accept my sincere apology.

So what are we teaching our children when we either force them to apologize and/or don’t accept their apology? Well, obviously if they are punished and/or abused, they may learn to try to use it as protection, only it doesn’t work and then they learn that apologies don’t work.

Children also learn to apologize when they don’t feel sorry. It is better to apologize for the child until he/she is truly able to apologize and mean it. Forcing the child to apologize for something just teaches him/her to say it when he/she is in trouble.

It also teaches children to believe that people won’t accept the apology. We break the “Sorry isn’t good enough” message by modeling apologizing to them and always apologizing to them when we make mistakes. They need to see the adults in their lives do it and have it accepted. If it isn’t accepted, then explain to them that some people don’t have the ability to accept the apology and that is on those people and not our fault.

There should be very few instances when an apology truly isn’t enough such as major crime and other adult things that children shouldn’t have to deal with but will because we live in a world where crime and truly horrible things happen.

Finally, while a child should never be punished, natural consequences will happen. If a child hits another child, the hurt child will cry and may not want to play with the child right away. Ask the child that hit what he/she can do to help the other child feel better. Apologies that are sincere should always be good enough!!!

How many of us have heard our parents say, “What’s the magic word?” when we wanted something? I know I did many times. The “magic” word, of course, is “please.”

Only it isn’t all that magical, is it? It’s only “magical” when the person (or God, for that matter) definitely wants to give us something we’re asking for. Otherwise, we can say “please” all we want but it won’t do any good.

It seems like a simple, harmless way to get children to say “please.” Yet, as I just mentioned, we can say the “magic” word all we want and the answer will still be “no.” Do we really want children growing up believing that by saying “please,” they’ll always get what they want?

I don’t think that is quite fair to children. Magic, in and of itself, isn’t always real and certainly doesn’t always work. “But I said ‘please.'” Yes, but the answer is still “no.”

The child probably thinks: So what happened to the “magic word?” It only works sometimes.

Even as an adult, there are many times when I wish “please” was a “magic” word. My husband and I have been going through some really tough times. I have spent days and nights pleading with God for life and yet life has been taken away from my loved ones who are now in Heaven.

I have pleaded for things to get better and for us to get out of the dark valley we’re in. I have pleaded for the suffering around the world to stop. And yet, nothing is happening. God hears our every cry and comforts us, if we let Him, but saying “please” doesn’t necessarily get our prayers answered.

Then there are the mean, selfish people who will never care if we say “please.” They’re going to do as they please despite its detrimental effects on other people’s lives.

Yes, children should be taught manners. Children learn manners best through us modeling them and through play as I don’t believe in forcing children to say, “please,” “thank you,” or “I’m sorry.” We need to model that to children and allow them to practice in a fun, no pressure manner how to be polite.

Some of the politest children I know were never forced to be polite but politeness was consistently modeled to them and they practiced it through playing.

They also need to learn that it’s okay for them to say “no” to something they don’t want to do even when the other person says “please.”

However, they also must learn that just because we say “Please,” doesn’t mean it will always work. As I’m learning, sadly, more often than not, it does not work! Please is NOT a “magic” word!

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