Category: Love

Goodbye My Sweet Baby Girl. Welcome Back Grief and Pain.

Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

Note: My husband usually edits all my blog posts to catch any errors or mistakes in my post. Today, we’re heartbroken and I don’t want to make him have to edit this post.

We’re absolutely heartbroken to announce that our sweet little girl, calico kitty, Patches has joined her “brother” in Heaven at around 5:30pm on March 28th. She was having severe dental issues and was going to have surgery to remove the resorption of her teeth, but she would start to get better with the pain medication and then go back downhill. It happened so quickly. She was fine for a 17.5 year old kitty but something happened one night and she was afraid to eat and drink. Over the past month and a half we have been in and out of the vet. Thankfully, I finally found a mask that will stay on my face as we’re still extremely high risk for Covid. I’m so thankful that I was able to go in the emergency vet with her and be at her appointments, especially her final one.

On the morning of March 28th, she was trembling and her gait was way off. Her last meal was the night before and she was acting like it had hurt her even though it was wet food and she was on pain medication. She was not able to eat or drink. She gave each of us that look like, “It’s ok Mommy, I will be ok.” The same look her “brother” gave me almost 7 years ago when we helped him cross the rainbow bridge.

The vet in the emergency department was that was there was their usual vet and he looked at her and he said that if he thought that there was any chance she would get better, he would tell us, but the way she was going, he didn’t think that the dental work would help her now. Something else was going on because he had been using Zorbium for other animals for chronic pain and he said she would be getting better and not worse.

Sweet girl knew it was time even though she was a fighter till the end. We loved on her and she was on my lap when she crossed over the rainbow bridge into Heaven. I kept asking the vet over and over that this was the best thing to do for her. He kept reassuring me that we were doing the kindest thing for her at this point. As she was asleep but still alive, I told her to go get YP. They were inseparable until he crossed the rainbow bridge and she grieved for him. I held her even after she had passed and petted her. As heartbreak as it is, I have held all my fur babies during and after they crossed because there’s no more pain finally.

The staff had a hard time because they had been in our lives for 16 years and cared for YP, Patches, and now Samoset. But Dr. Verbek was so strong and caring and reassured me that if he thought that there was anything he could do, he would be calling every specialist he knew to help her.

As a different kind of Christ follower than the mainstream Christians, my faith has totally changed. I believe in things that will make most Christians call me more heretical than they did before. But finding the truth about Jesus and Mary Magdalene is giving me so much peace and I know that animals are in Heaven. I am an empath who has had many spiritual experiences that can never be explained.

Patches Cox’s Obituary 

June 21, 2006-March 28, 2024

Sweet Patches, we miss you so much! You gave us so much joy and love. From climbing up the wall hanging to being a loud mouth. You literally would talk to us and answer questions like you really were answering. “Yeah now. Wow. Meow Mix. Hm-hm…”. So many different sounds that you could make. It was uncanny how you could answer questions and really try to talk. You had quite a vocabulary. You were able to carry on a conversation with us and loved telling us all about it. You could be quite loud. We would have to tell you to “use your inside voice.” You would make little noises too when you were laying down and you wanted to acknowledge us. You had a lot to say!

You also loved sleeping in blankets and if you were in a blanket and Daddy would come up to it and lean over, you would make little chirping noises to acknowledge him. You would also chatter to him.

I loved the way you would pick up your head sometimes when we were talking to you. You would be sitting there and you would just move your head up to acknowledge us and say, “I love you.”

I remember when we first were thinking about adopting another cat/cats, I didn’t want another girl right away because we had just lost your “sister,” which was my first cat and I loved her so much. I didn’t want to compare another girl kitty with Sara. But you gave me no choice.

Walking in the cat room at the shelter, I didn’t even see you at first because I was looking at the large cage with a lot of cats. You were in a cage by yourself to my right. As we met a cute cat that was afraid of my wheelchair and movements, I felt a tap on my left shoulder. It was you playing with my string of the zip up I was wearing. I immediately felt intrigued by you and how you weren’t even afraid of me. In fact, you turned over on your back and gave me a familiar look that Sara used to give me all the time.

We thought you were adopted already since you were in a separate cage but we quickly found out otherwise. Getting you out of the cage, you snuggled with us and purred. You also got away from us and ran under a cage but we were able to get you back out. When Daddy put you back in your cage and was washing his hands, you meowed as if to say, “Don’t leave me.”

I knew what we had to do. Daddy kept asking me if I was sure about it and I said that I couldn’t just leave you there without adopting you. Your “brother” was sick and in isolation for two more days. What if someone else adopted you before we came back to meet him and someone else adopted you? I was convinced that you had chosen us to be your parents.

You were brave coming home and snuggled with me and then you would hide behind the speaker before coming back out to explore and get loving. Once you were adjusted to the new house and your “brother,” there was literally no stopping you. You would chase YP up the cat tree, biting at his hind legs. You guys would tear around the house.

You loved running from the utility room to the hallway. You sounded like a galloping horse. Sometimes YP would chase after you. You loved peeing with Daddy in the utility room.

You had the most beautiful gait. Watching you walk from behind, you looked like a little horse. You also galloped like a little horse.

You would scratch the carpet in the hallway so I found you a little scratching rug to put over the spot that you liked to scratch at. Daddy taught you how to use the scratching rug and you immediately started scratching it. You kept scratching it until the end.

When you would scratch it or something else, you loved having me say, “Scratch, scratch, scratch.” Like your “brother,” you loved to play in boxes and bags. You were a very oral kitty who loved to bite on cardboard boxes and paper and plastic bags which we had to take away the plastic bags so you wouldn’t eat them.

After we went grocery shopping, you loved to “help” by going into the utility room and jumping on the washer and dryer to paw at the bag and get in them as Daddy loved on you and put stuff away. Then he would ball up the bags and shake them, thus, making you tear out of there and into the hallway to scratch your rug.

You loved trying to get in closets and cabinets. Daddy found you in a kitchen cabinet with your “brother.” Another time you were in the bathroom when Daddy was giving me a shower and we didn’t see you get in the bathroom closet until we heard meowing and weird sounds while I was in the shower and you were stuck in the closet.

You had your routines of asking for treats on a table and then you would make sure nobody was coming to steal them. Daddy called them “Secrets for cats” especially if your brother wasn’t awake. You loved your “Friskies” right up till the end when it was too painful for you to eat them. And you loved string treats and would do excited circles. You were the only one who could play with the kitty treat toy. Your “brothers” never got the hang of batting it around to get the treats out.

You loved getting up on Daddy’s chair and getting loving. You would play bite him and then give kisses. You loved having your neck rubbed after biting and kissing Daddy’s finger. You would look out the window. Then you would “assume the position” which meant Daddy would help you lay on his chest with your paws up by his neck. He would pet you. But you were a fire cat and didn’t stay long.

You also knew how to “be sweet.” Daddy would ask you “Can you be sweet?” He would put his face by you and you would usually kiss him on the nose. When you did this, Daddy would exclaim, “That was sweet!” Then he would pet you and let you bite and kiss his finger. You would kiss us all the time. Your little tongue was so rough as sandpaper! You kissed my nose and forehead about a week before you went over the rainbow bridge and I will cherish that memory forever!

After dinner you would get up and walk across the top of the couch to us. Daddy would have to Patches proof everything. You loved being petted and playing with him and I would have you smell my drink. The fur on your hind legs reminded us of “Ricky Ricardo pants” so when you would come down the side of the couch onto the arm of the couch, you would stretch your back legs and we would say, “you’re wearing your Ricky Ricardo pants.”

Another game you loved to play was “side to side.” You would get under the dining room chair and Daddy would reach down with both hands and touch you as you moved from side to side of the chair. You would play bite and give kisses. You also loved the smell of Daddy’s feet and slippers. You would kiss his bare ankles and feet. You would put your face in his slippers as well as lay on his socks.

You loved sleeping with me on the couch and in bed. YP would bug you sometimes but you were always with me. He would eventually lay down too. You loved to snuggle with me and even laid on my head and kiss my head. You would also sneeze on me.

You also loved the smell of clean hair. You would rub and snuggle with us. I love feeling the warmth and snuggles against my head and neck. How I now long for you to snuggle with me and walk on me.

You loved to wake me up some mornings by getting up on my pillow to mess with the blinds. I had to tell you no. You would also jump up between the beds with your brother and scare me to death.

You loved water. You would actually get in the sink and put your head under the water and just let it pour down your head. You both would get high up in the bathroom window to look out. If it was night, you would peak through the curtains to look at us.

You played fetch. One time we played with you guys so hard that you wouldn’t stop and finally started panting. You loved playing with light and you loved playing with toys that you would eventually destroy. In your later years you would be extremely vocal when playing. You were such a loud mouth. 

Playing in boxes with Daddy rubbing his finger on the box to make sounds and you were get at the side and paw until Daddy’s hand was in your reach to playfully bat it and bite. We’d pretend to be packing you up and shipping you away. You loved every second.

You also loved to go in Daddy’s radio room and look around and get “scolded” like YP. You would meow and yowl when you wanted to go in there or somewhere else. Even when Daddy was getting my blanket ready for you to lay on me, you would meow yowl. Sometimes you would even yawn and meow.

Another thing that you would do is make sure Daddy followed you to get something to eat. You would excitedly trot back to your room and keep looking back to make sure that Daddy was coming.

You were inseparable from YP and you guys were often snuggled up together sleeping and grooming each other. YP would bug you in your blanket and we would have to scold him. 

You loved watching the fall leaves and would scratch at the sliding glass door to try to “get them.”

I still feel bad for bringing in your second “brother” Samoset after YP went Home. After a year of pain, I just wanted a new life in the house. Despite trying to make sure that it would work out, Samoset has special needs and doesn’t understand cat behavior and language. This meant that you both ended up having separate rooms with equal time to be out in the house. I really think that if he had been a normal cat, you would have been able to co-exist because you tried and you would play with him under the bathroom door. I hope you weren’t too upset about having your final 6 years with having to spend time in the utility room. Thankfully, you seemed happy and well adjusted because you rarely complained about it and we had the routines set. Daddy came back there regularly and loved you and fed you what you wanted. You knew what bowl was for what food. You were a very social eater. You loved to have Daddy talk to you and say, “Snacks are good for cats. It’s good for cats to have some snackssssss.”

I miss you being in the window when we’d come home from places or even just sitting outside. You would look out and meow at us. You were one sweet little kitty.

I don’t know how to do this. We miss you already. Right now, the tears won’t stop coming. I have had to work on this obituary over the past month and the grief is still very bad. I had to get another toenail removed and I miss you being a nursing cat. You always knew when we weren’t well and would be even more involved in trying to help make us feel better. The mornings are so empty now that you don’t meet Daddy at the bedroom door and then come in to sleep with me.

Fly high and free with your brother and sister in Heaven! Please know that I’m so sorry that we couldn’t make you better. I’m so sorry for your horrible suffering. I don’t know if I will ever find peace about the way it all went down. I feel like I should have fought for you more to get the care you needed and deserved but I did the best I could as did Daddy. It was not supposed to happen this way and I wish that I had been wrong in feeling like you were going to die. I’m so sorry.

We love you so much, Patches. I know you’re still spiritually here and in a different dimension. You will never be forgotten by us. We love you, Sweet Girl!

Compassion is deeply lacking in this world today. So much hatred and anger. So much selfishness. As I move through this grief, again, people don’t understand that Patches wasn’t just a pet. She was a family member!

I’m terrified of how this world is going. Of how children are being taught to be hateful and selfish instead of kind and compassionate. I’m grateful to have found people who understand about grief and about Covid. Children deserve to be taught how to grieve and how to be empathetic to others no matter what.

In Patches’ honor, perhaps the people who are reading this could commit to being more compassionate and teaching their children to be the same.

All her nicknames. Just as many as YP!

My Children’s Books and Teaching Children about Disabilities as well as Encouraging Children with Disabilities

Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

It’s been a while since I’ve written a blog post. This is due to the fact that I have been busy working with a wonderful illustrator that has finally completed the illustrations for my children’s book about my life with severe cerebral palsy. This was a very traumatic experience for me as “friends” wouldn’t finish the book’s illustrations in a timely manner. I was able to raise the money back with GoFundMe and the book is completed! George Franco is an amazing illustrator. I’m beyond grateful for his work and commitment to the project!

As I have written in previous posts, the book is based upon my life with severe cerebral palsy. We used actual photos of me both as a child and adult in order for the illustrations to show how I require very specific seating and care. It also shows how, with the help of my family and friends, I can overcome most obstacles to do what I want. It might look different but there’s usually a way around things.

I have yet to see any other picture books that accurately portray severe cerebral palsy. That’s why I wrote this book and was very specific about the illustrations showing how my wheelchair always has a lot of support to hold me in the proper sitting position as I can’t sit up on my own at all. I would fall right out of a standard wheelchair.

In the current environment of a group of people who are hateful toward anyone who doesn’t stand/measure up to their “agendas,” it is even more important to have a book that is all inclusive. It has every race, ethnicity, ability, and gender in it. I believe it is vital to fight for equality for human equality! Everyone is human and we are all equal!

I also want children like me to have a book that is inspiring to them. I want a child with any severe disability, especially those with cerebral palsy, to know that there’s hope. Even if the adults around them are telling them they will never achieve their goals and dreams, they can look at my book and just keep fighting for what they want to achieve!

Compassion is something that is in short supply in society today, and yet, there are many compassionate people out there who are advocating for people who are being oppressed and treated horribly by the new right-wing movement. It’s truly scary. The most abused children are often either disabled or in the LBGTQ+ communities. I want to stop this abuse from happening. I want today’s children to be taught compassion and kindness for all!

Unfortunately, Covid is still a problem for many in the disability community. We often have reduced lung capacity, asthma, and other health issues that are still making it more likely that we would get severe Covid and potentially die. Most of us are up-to-date on the Covid vaccines but some of us, such as myself, can’t swallow Paxlovid because the pills are too large and can’t be crushed. People are moving on from Covid and just don’t think about those of us are still going to great lengths to avoid getting it until there are better vaccines and treatments available for everyone to take and be okay. While my book is about my life pre-Covid, I still hope to use it to help people who are willing to truly listen and understand in order to be more aware of the vulnerable. I cling to hope that I will be able to live my life as I did prior to the pandemic someday soon.

Teaching children accurate information about disability is crucial in keeping society inclusive to all. Here are some examples of how to teach children about disability:

  • Instead of telling children not to stare, talk about how cool the wheelchair is or how incredible it is to walk with crutches. Point out how the person is also alike. For example, “It looks like her favorite color is green.”
  • When children ask “What’s wrong with him/her,” tell them that nothing is wrong with the person. The person just has a different body and/or brain and this is okay! We are all different and unique.
  • With Covid, please stand a certain distance from the person and ask him/her if you and your children may ask a few questions. I love answering questions from children! I also want adults to ask me questions instead of just assuming things about me that may or not be true.
  • Watch TV shows and movies about/featuring people with disabilities. Some examples of TV shows and movies are Speechless, Born This Way, Love on the Spectrum, As We See It, My Left Foot. Just search any streaming service and you’ll find all sorts of great shows and movies about and/or with people with disabilities. Some are more appropriate for younger audiences, of course, than others, but it’s important to let children learn about disability.
  • Read books about disabilities. There are tons of books for every age about different disabilities.

Love over hate is the goal we’re aiming for. Equality is also the aim. Nobody is better than anyone else; we all have human blood running through our veins!

I will keep you posted on when my new children’s book is available. Thank you so much to everyone who donated to my GoFundMe campaign last year!

Learning From Infants And Young Children

Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

It’s Christmas again. We’re still struggling with Covid, and this year, also with RSV and the flu. But one thing still remains true: Simple is best!

As I opened a Christmas card with a picture of a 1-year-old infant exploring a Christmas box, it hit me how infants and young children really understand the true meaning of Christmas. Not just spiritually but physically. Because they haven’t yet been conditioned to expect the gift inside the shiny, crinkly paper, they will actually get more joy from just ripping the paper. They will examine every bit of the material.

We’re all excited for them to see what is in the package. Sadly, we rush them to get to the actual toy, but they are satisfied with the paper and the box.

So let them take their time with opening the box and exploring it and the paper. They are hearing all the different sounds of the paper and box. They are smelling all the different scents of the packaging. They are feeling the texture of the packaging. They are seeing the colors of the packaging—and even tasting them.

We’d be wise to observe this process and incorporate it into our own lives. Take time to truly explore and appreciate the small things. Love without conditions. Look out for each other.

Christmas is about love. We definitely need a whole lot more love in our world!

Happy Holidays!

Child Abuse In The Disability And LBGTQ+ Community

Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed1 Comment

With the current laws being enacted in Florida and Texas as well as other conservative states to stop the LBGTQ+ community from being able to live their lives, it got me thinking about how I used to believe some of the same things until I started really listening to these people. I have many friends in this community now and I am heartbroken over how they are treated.

Many LBGTQ+ children are kicked out of the house when they come out to their parents. Some are subjected to horrible “conversion therapy” to try to “convince” them that they are not gay or transgender. These children are very likely to be abused and murdered by their family or people in the community who don’t want to understand that they are people too.

“Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning (LGBTQ) young people are over-represented in foster care, where they are more likely to experience discrimination, abuse, neglect and the risk of harm. A 2019 study found 30.4 percent of youth in foster care identify as LGBTQ and 5 percent as transgender, compared to 11.2 percent and 1.17 percent of youth not in foster care.”

https://www.childrensrights.org/lgbtq-2/

In Texas, a law was recently passed making it “child abuse” for parents to give their transgendered children care that would allow them to have the body that their brain is telling them they are. As of now, a judge has partially blocked the law. I believe that the exact opposite is true. It is abusive NOT to allow these children to have the gender affirming medical care they require. They are at a high risk of suicide for not being allowed to have transitional gender affirming medical care and psychotherapy.

People like to shrug off the suicide issue of transgender children, but according to Forbes from 2021, “52% of all transgender and nonbinary young people in the U.S. seriously contemplated killing themselves in 2020. More than half thought it would be better to be dead, rather than trying to live with rejection, isolation, loneliness, bullying and being targeted by politicians and activists pushing anti-trans legislation.”

https://www.forbes.com/sites/dawnstaceyennis/2021/05/19/terrible-time-for-trans-youth-new-survey-spotlights-suicide-spike—and-hope/?sh=712121d2716e

These children have to deal with so much discrimination from conservative policymakers. They are banned from using the correct bathrooms with which they identify. What do we think happens when a trans girl is forced to use the boys’ bathroom and vice versa? They look like the gender with which they identify.

And banning them from playing on the team of the gender with which they identify because people think they have an advantage over the other team is wrong. We might as well ban anyone “different” from playing sports because I can guarantee that transgender children don’t have any advantage over their peers. Everyone is talented in different ways!

Finally, the so-called “Don’t Say Gay” law in Florida enacted by Governor DeSantis is horrible! As an early childhood professional, sex and gender identity isn’t a main topic in the curriculum unless we have a child with gay parents or a child who is struggling with this issue. These children deserve support and compassion. Teachers need to teach children to accept these differences. The LBGTQ+ community is in no way trying to get children to be something that they’re not. They are just trying to get acceptance and support to stop the horrible discrimination they face daily. I believe in having developmentally appropriate discussions and books that include the LBGTQ+ community in the classroom.

I am so grateful that President Biden is taking action to try to help protect everyone in the LBGTQ+ community by taking executive action to stop the use of conversion therapy and help keep the rights and lives of this group as safe as possible. The amount of bigotry from the religious, right wing is absolutely disgusting! And it’s only getting worse!

There’s another group of children and adults who live with a higher than average risk of being abused: The disabled.

“Child abuse and neglect is reported in 3% to 10% of the population with disabilities. The rate of child abuse and neglect is at least 3 times higher in children with disabilities than in the typically developing population.”

https://publications.aap.org/pediatrics/article/147/5/e2021050920/180813/Maltreatment-of-Children-With-Disabilities

Children with disabilities have higher needs and require more care. They often have unique behavioral issues that typical children don’t. For some children with disabilities, these behaviors may last well into adulthood because their brains aren’t able to mature like typical people. They are so reliant on others for care and help that they are prime candidates for all types of abuse.

As someone with a severe disability, I can attest to the abuse. I was physically, verbally, and emotionally abused by my dad because I couldn’t control my muscles. I was emotionally and verbally abused by other family members and people at school. Just because life with a child who is disabled can be very stressful and frustrating at times doesn’t excuse abuse.

Like LBGTQ+ children, there’s a stigma that comes along with being disabled. We live in an ableist world. For a long time, people with disabilities, starting in young childhood, were locked up in institutions and forgotten. These institutions were absolutely horrible and many children died from abuse and inadequate care. There even used to be laws that prohibited people with disabilities from being in society. Similarly with the LBGTQ+ community, the disabled have a higher risk of being murdered.

Here’s an excellent article about the history of ableism.

As the article above points out, many religious groups believe that disabilities are due to “sin,” thus, causing people to treat them badly and abuse them. Let me be clear: No disability is due to sin!

Another thing that the article on ableism points out is that the medical community often treats the disability as a “problem.” But people with disabilities have absolutely nothing “wrong” with them. They are just different and deserve quality medical care, and yet, they often don’t receive it. The cost of medical care is even higher than that of typical people and people with disabilities also usually require adaptive equipment and therapy to be able to live the best life they can!

Unfortunately the Americans with Disabilities Act hasn’t helped all that much because most public places only do the minimum requirements. Many employers don’t want to have the responsibility of helping people with disabilities work in their work places. And people with disabilities don’t get “free money.” If they are on SSI, they can only have $2,000 if they are single and $3,000 if married. We’re trying to get this changed.

Being told by parents, teachers, employers, and society in general that “You’re worthless, a burden, a problem, a liability, and your life doesn’t matter” leads to isolation, anxiety, depression, and suicide.

Covid has really bought out just how ableist the world is, especially the United States. Many people feel that their lives are more important than others who are still vulnerable to serious consequences of getting Covid. It’s all-too-often just laughed at while believing that it is perfectly fine for people who are high risk to remain locked up for the rest of their lives. This is going back to the days when children and adults were forced to remain locked up and out of society. This is abuse!

There is no excuse for abuse of any child or adult, especially if they are different. We are all equal and worthy no matter our race, gender, sexual orientation, ethnicity, and/or disability. We need to stop going backwards and start moving forward to become a kinder, more accepting world. No child should be hurt. It is also abuse and ableist to expect any child to be someone that he/she isn’t or to expect children to be able to do things that they are not yet able to do!

Where are you Christmas?

Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

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With the pandemic still raging on and the new variant, it feels like it will never end.  Children ages 5-11 are, as of this writing, finally able to get vaccinated against Covid.  Sadly, the same arguments are continuing and getting worse from the anti-mask and anti-vaxxers crowd.   They are not able to think about the common good.  I have lost all hope for humanity.  I guess this could be a product of generations of spanking as research has shown that corporal punishment can have a negative impact on the development of empathy in children.

The world is in disarray and we’re all tired of it.  The children are stuck in the middle of the arguments, and are being fueled by the adults to act out. I am only getting glimpses of the true Christmas spirit.

In fact, I keep hearing the toxic message from Christians that “this is from ‘God'” and that “God will spare the righteous.”  It is so sad that they don’t understand that this is not from God.  Children have died from Covid.  Devout Christians are dying from Covid.  Jesus never intended for all of this confusion and toxic teachings from the church.

Spirituality is so simple and we weren’t supposed to know it all. Jesus was trying to teach so much more, but because our human minds are so limited and prone to boxing everything up, and man’s desire to control people who are different from them, has led to religion being toxic and oppressive instead of promoting true spiritual freedom. And it’s ruined love for one another. I just feel so bad for humanity; we’re truly stuck in hell of our own making.

We’re losing so much with this pandemic. Grief is horrible for many people this year again.  I know it’s pretty bad for me.

My message to everyone is to grieve together, and think of other people more than ourselves. Seek truth, Science, compassion, and true love.  May children stay safe and learn true empathy.  Or, may we learn it from them!  Peace and love through the holidays!

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Unconditional

Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

How many things are truly unconditional?  It’s almost Christmas and we tell children that Santa will bring them presents if they are good.  We put Elf on the shelf so that they know he is watching them for Santa.  I know that some families play games with this toy but many people don’t.

Love is supposed to be unconditional but it often demands things from others or it’s removed when the child misbehaves—no matter how old he/she is.  Christian doctrine teaches that God is love but one must say the “right prayer” to avoid going to “Hell.”  I feel like true unconditional love is rare. I have seen both in my life and now it’s even more apparent with the pandemic.  Love for our neighbors means doing everything we can to protect them from COVID-19 by wearing masks, social distancing, washing hands frequently, and staying home for Christmas with immediate family.

And children should have presents just because they are loved; not because they were good.  The real St. Nick gave to the poor and helped the oppressed because he was kind and loving.  He didn’t expect anything from them. Here’s a wonderful video on the history of Santa.

Have you ever just given something to someone without telling anyone or given something to a complete stranger who needs help?  These have been the most rewarding experiences for me.  This is loving people unconditionally.

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I believe that respect is earned but love is not.  Love, especially for children, should never ever be earned.  This doesn’t mean that we have to be involved with toxic people.  Love them by walking away from them.

I understand that some people have very high-needs children and it is really hard but they should love their children for who they are.  Speaking from my own experience of being a very high-needs child as well as having a parent ask in a Facebook group about what to do to prevent damage from not being able to meet every single need, I believe that it is more important to explain to the child that we are trying our best and validate the child.

However, coming from an abusive, narcissistic home and struggling to come to terms with my own mother being narcissistic and and that she will never be able to be a good mom to me, what hurts is parents not talking about it in a healthy way.  I have severe cerebral palsy and even my husband can’t meet every emotional need I have and sometimes he gets frustrated which is human but it triggers me. The difference is that he is truly trying and admits to his shortcomings.  I do the same.

But with narcissistic parents, they don’t care and won’t admit that they are falling short.  In these cases and other abusive situations, the love is not unconditional.  I think as long as one has a good connection with his/her child and teaches healthy coping skills, the child may need help later on in life, but he/she shouldn’t have the same amount of pain and damage that us who were abused by our narcissistic parents have.

Accepting that one’s child is different than the parent is unconditional love.  When this happens and children have very different personalities than the parents, the best thing that parents can do is accept it and support the children.  Get involved with at least one activity that the child enjoys.  And share each other’s interests with each other knowing that it’s ok to be so different.  Yes, it is hard at times but the key is to validate and accept.

This Christmas, with so many people sick and dying from COVID-19, let’s remember the little Baby that came to Earth to try and teach us what unconditional love is.  Or if you don’t celebrate Christmas, please think about how you can make this world better by loving people instead of being selfish.

Have a peaceful Holiday season.  We remember all who we lost this year.  May 2021 eventually be a better year!

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Guest Post: How to Support Your Pregnant Loved One During the COVID-19 Pandemic By Emily Graham

Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

Emily Graham is from Mighty Moms. I hope you find this helpful.

Photo via Unsplash
Photo via Unsplash

Do you have a friend, sister, or relative who has been trying to navigate the COVID-19 pandemic while pregnant? There’s no denying that pregnant women have dealt with many unexpected challenges during this pandemic. Whether your loved one is looking for helpful parenting resources like Disciplining With Gentle Firmness or guidance as she aims to protect her health (and her baby’s!) during this difficult time, these tips will allow you to give her the support she truly needs.

Memorable Milestones

Has your loved one cancelled celebrations because of the pandemic?  You can mark these milestones with virtual events!

  • Bring your friend’s baby shower online by planning a virtual shower with her — you can still celebrate while social distancing.
  • Has your loved one considered calling off her gender reveal party?  Host it over video chat instead!
  • If your loved one wants maternity photos, help her stay on the safe side with suggestions for a DIY photo shoot.

Outlining a Birth Plan

Your loved one may be wondering whether or not she should plan for a hospital birth with the ongoing pandemic. These resources can help her decide.

  • Is your friend considering a home birth because of the pandemic?  Research the pros and cons to see if it’s a smart choice for her.
  • Will your friend be heading to the hospital when the big day rolls around?  Help her go over the precautions she should take to stay safe.
  • Remind your friend that no matter what she decides, her unconditional love for her child is what matters most.

Giving Gifts

Nothing will cheer up your loved one like a thoughtful gift. Check out these ideas to find the perfect present.

  • Put together a basic postpartum gift basket, which you can drop off at the hospital or your loved one’s home.
  • Before her due date, give your friend a cozy labor and delivery gown so she can stay comfortable during labor.
  • Cook up healthy meals for your loved one, which she can reheat when she’s too tired to cook after the baby arrives.

Pregnancy isn’t always smooth sailing, especially for mothers-to-be who are trying to avoid unnecessary risks during this pandemic. If you have a pregnant woman in your life, now is the time to lend a helping hand. She will definitely appreciate having someone to lean on!

Interested in learning about effective disciplinary methods that don’t involve spanking? Sign up for one-on-one parent coaching with author and parent coach Stephanie G. Cox today.

Jesus Hates Religion. Spirituality vs. Religon.

Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed2 Comments

Note: Life has a funny way of taking over.  I started writing this post in December and am just now finishing it.  Thank you so much for your patience.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas or whatever holiday you celebrate.  Happy New Year!  I am writing this post because I no longer consider myself a religious person even though I still believe in Jesus.  However, my belief is no longer the traditional religious belief that mainstream Christianity makes Him out to be.  I am incorporating other spiritual beliefs in my belief system and I am open to everything.  Feel free to read Why I Am No Longer An Evangelical Christian. Plus, Drag Queens And Kings Are Cool!

I recently shared this meme on my professional Facebook page and I got one nice lady who ended up being a joy to talk to because she tried to use Non-Violent Communication principles.  We both admitted to being not perfect and struggling with it.  We’re both open to learning.  I love people like that because another “Christian” called me a “hypocrite” for sharing this meme and then wishing my Jewish friends a “Happy Hanukkah.”  She was swiftly blocked and banned because I have been called so many names that I absolutely will not tolerate it.  But her comment proves that this is right in many instances.  Then there are people that just want to argue just to argue.

Here’s the meme:

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I agree with this because religion does brainwash people of every age, makes people angry (How many wars have been fought over religion?), and promotes a “better than thou” attitude.  Believe me, I was a part of this for a decade and a half and used to gasp with disgust or surprise when a fellow believer would do something against the religious teachings of the church.  We’re supposed to be humble but instead we look down on people who don’t believe what we do.  It’s disgusting and sad, really.

Not all religious people are like this.  But some just blindly follow whatever the established organized religion teaches. Much of the Christian church doctrine is toxic with a bit of love and compassion occasionally sprinkled in.  For children, more of the doctrine is spiritual abuse because even though I still believe that children are created to believe in Jesus and/or a Higher Power, when they are allowed to freely explore, they can create a positive belief system.  Unfortunately, many children aren’t given that freedom and are taught that they are inherently evil (which I rejected after much research) and are told to obey or else they’ll get spanked or go to Hell.

Telling children the above is spiritual and emotional abuse.  It’s not ok.  One of my best friends experienced this as a child and now rejects religion but is still a spiritual person.

I, too, cannot support religious doctrine.  I consider myself a spiritual person even though I still believe in Jesus. I am using other spiritual beliefs to create a positive spiritual belief system because when we open our consciousness, we see that there’s so much we don’t know and that doctrine often doesn’t add up to what we experience.  Plus, trying to have enough faith to be approved by whatever God you’re trying to please isn’t easy and makes one feel like a failure.  Also, fear is often a huge part of many religions instead of love!  After all, many religious sects and cults tell us that we’re going to go to Hell for not being a part of their religious group.

Merriam-Webster defines religion as:

1a: the state of a religious

A nun in her 20th year of religion

b(1): the service and worship of God or the supernatural

 

(2): commitment or devotion to religious faith or observance
2: a personal set or institutionalized system of religious attitudes, beliefs, and practices
3archaic : scrupulous conformity : CONSCIENTIOUSNESS
4: a cause, principle, or system of beliefs held to with ardor and faith”  (https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/religion#synonyms).
A website called ReachOut Australia says that spirituality is:

“Spirituality: This is more of an individual practice, and has to do with having a sense of peace and purpose” (https://au.reachout.com/articles/what-is-spirituality).

Now many religious people can be spiritual but it seems like they value the rules and man-made doctrines over truly seeking Truth and God or Whomever one wishes to call Him/Her.  I hear all the religious people gasping after reading this sentence. It wasn’t that long ago that I would have gasped as well.  However, the more one gets away from church doctrine and actually begins to seek the Truth, the less judgmental he/she becomes because we’re all one.  Unless someone practices evil, we really are connected in so many ways with love being our main priority!

Spiritual people are usually more positive, accepting, open, and loving.  They wish to be able to get along with everyone.  Even if they don’t “believe” in Jesus, they are ok with people that do as long as those people respect their beliefs.

And yes, spiritual people do participate in rituals and even some religious ceremonies to help them grow spiritually and they are always learning.  They just don’t subscribe to an exact doctrine, or if they do, they don’t try to push it on others.

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Source: reddit.com

Even Jesus Christ was against religious people and hung out with everyday people. Look at what Jesus said to the Pharisees and Teachers of the Law:

“Matthew 23 New American Standard Bible (NASB)

Pharisaism Exposed

23 Then Jesus spoke to the crowds and to His disciples, 2 saying: “The scribes and the Pharisees have seated themselves in the chair of Moses; 3 therefore all that they tell you, do and observe, but do not do according to their deeds; for they say things and do not do them.4 They tie up heavy burdens and lay them on men’s shoulders, but they themselves are unwilling to move them with so much as a finger. 5 But they do all their deeds to be noticed by men; for they broaden their phylacteries and lengthen the tassels of their garments. 6 They love the place of honor at banquets and the chief seats in the synagogues, 7 and respectful greetings in the market places, and being called Rabbi by men. 8 But do not be called Rabbi; for One is your Teacher, and you are all brothers. 9 Do not call anyone on earth your father; for One is your Father, He who is in heaven. 10 Do not be called [b]leaders; for One is your Leader, that is, Christ. 11 But the greatest among you shall be your servant. 12 Whoever exalts himself shall be humbled; and whoever humbles himself shall be exalted.”

Jesus preached LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE!  Yet, “Christians” can be some of the most hateful people I’ve ever encountered along with Muslim extremists.  You don’t say that someone should die because they are homosexual and you disagree with them.  People shouldn’t blow people away because they want their religion to take over the world.  I believe that religion creates a form of narcissism.  “My church is right and yours is wrong.”  I used to be like that, but there’s much grace and freedom in “agreeing to disagree.”  Yet, I have always hated how children are treated in many religious sects.  They shouldn’t be taught how “bad” they are and shouldn’t be taught to remember every sin so they can repent for them to avoid going to Hell.  And they should NEVER BE TAUGHT THAT GOD WANTS THEM TO BE SPANKED/HIT!

Healthy spirituality is what we all need to aim for.  There’s a Light in all of us.   I believe that satan wants to blind us to this and think that we have to do special prayers and other things to be closer to God/Goddess but we can learn to listen for Them ourselves.  Certain natural medicines are also helpful for some adults to gain more awareness of the spiritual world that is completely and always surrounding us.

After all, love is the greatest of ALL!

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“Frozen” Gratitude

Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

Tomorrow’s Thanksgiving and it’ll be a different one than usual due to a hiccup in my current trauma recovery, but I am slowly learning what true love is.

In the movie, Frozen, Else has a special gift of being able to create ice and snow.  Unfortunately, while playing with her little sister, Anna, she accidentally hurt her with her special power.  From that day on, she was told to not show her power to anyone and it was treated like a curse.  She was separated from her sister and her little sister didn’t understand why due to the memory being erased.

Fear triggers Elise to create ice in a dangerous way.  But after she finally becomes free, she learns to use it for beauty and in the end, a single act of true love is the only thing that will undo Anna being frozen.

We want our children and the world to become kinder and more loving.  I believe that the only way to do this is to practice true love.  And to let the children be who they are as long as they are not hurting anyone.

Love and kindness cultivate a grateful heart whereas harshness and hate create anger and bitterness.  This Thanksgiving, and year round, let’s do our best to create love, kindness, and gratitude!

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Do You Resent Your Child?

Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

I hear that being a parent is very hard work and I agree even though I am not a parent.  Most of my friends have children.  My husband has a son. Therefore, I see and hear about all the sacrifices that they have gladly made.  I get to witness some of these sacrifices my friends choose to make for their children.  It’s not always fun but they do it out of love.

Teachers also make sacrifices for the children in their classes.  I did.  I had to do my best to be at my best for the children I worked with.  Did I get exasperated when a toddler was high spirited or had behavioral problems and needed extra attention?  Yes!  Did I feel stressed out when I worked with infants and they all started crying at the same time with only my aide and me in the room?  Yes!

However, I never held it against them because I chose to be a teacher and I understood that they were just being themselves.  I understand how the child brain works so to hold that against them would have deeply hurt my connections with them.  Children are also very perceptive.  They can feel our stress and negative vibes.

I am severely physically disabled and I understand that I am a lot of work.  It must be even more difficult to parent a child with a disability because he/she requires even more care and can’t always do activities that typical children can, especially children with sensory issues such as aversion to loud noises.  Should it be held against a child if he/she gets overwhelmed by crowds or loud noises?  No, of course not, because it’s out of their control!

According to dictionary.com, the definition of resentment is:

“noun

the feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person,etc., regarded as causing injury or insult.”

So a person who feels resentment towards his/her children believes that the children have caused “injury or insult” to him/her and holds it against them.  These people are not able to let it go.  Let’s face it, children will hurt us sometimes but they usually don’t truly mean it.  And children are born with the ability to love unconditionally.

They didn’t ask to be conceived and born.  They didn’t ask to have an immature brain that doesn’t allow them to have total impulse control over their behaviors.  And children with disabilities didn’t ask for it either!

I know parents don’t ask for their children to be disabled or high spirited.  However, by choosing to become a parent, parents should be ready for anything even if this means asking for help when they are overwhelmed and don’t know what to do or are exhausted.  I understand that getting help and support isn’t always easy and our country has much work to do in supporting families of every type.  Organizations also need to step up the resources and support for families.  But help is out there.

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Your screaming baby isn’t screaming just to drive you to tears.  He/She needs you and may not be able to sleep.  It’s not the baby’s fault.  Your preschooler isn’t hitting you and having meltdowns just to embarrass you or make you crazy.  He/She just don’t have the ability to deal with big feelings without your help.  The child needs you to gently but firmly guide him/her through the process.  It’s not the child’s fault.  Your teenager isn’t saying mean things to you because he/she truly means it.  Teens still require help dealing with strong emotions and it’s not their fault. Children need discipline and care.

Your child with disabilities isn’t trying to hold you back because he/she requires your constant care.  The child needs you!  It’s not his/her fault!

Children learn a lot from the adults around them.  They must learn about empathy, grace, and unconditional love in order to give it back.  It’s true that parents will get angry, frustrated, and exasperated with their children.  They will need breaks and self care.  But parents have chosen to be the child’s parents, therefore, to hold everything against the child is not appropriate.  If a parent is feeling resentful of the children, then he/she must seek help from professionals.  If not, then the relationship with the children will be tainted and may even become abusive.

Parenting is the hardest job in the world.  Believe it or not, so is being a child trying to learn and navigate through this new world.  Respect the children and the children will respect their parents unless they have a mental illness that needs addressing. Respect begets respect.  Resentment begets broken relationships.

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