independence – Disciplining With Gentle Firmness

I recently read this article and it made so much sense. So many times our children act up because they are feeling disconnected from us. In this technological age, we are usually attached to a screen most of the day. Sadly, this is disconnecting us from each other more often than not.

A few of my friends have grown children who have moved out. They truly enjoy being with their children and always made time for them. I also know of grown children who are not doing as well because they were harshly parented and they knew the parents didn’t always want to deal with them.

Starting at birth, children are extremely sensitive to our vibes. They know if you don’t want to be with them. I have observed many times that children who have parents who do their best to remain connected with their children and truly want to be with the children have more independent children.

Why? Because when children get their fill of our love and attention, they are free to enjoy times when we aren’t able to be one-on-one with them. They know that if they need us, we’ll be there.

The Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE) Approach recommends starting this deep connection at birth. Infants require so much care that we should be using this time to really connect with them instead of rushing through daily care activities. This means being fully present with the infant during changing diapers and clothes, feedings, bathing, and nap time and bedtime routines. When we are fully present, we are making deep connections with the child that fill their social-emotional needs. Then they can do brief sessions of independent play more easily.

As infants become toddlers and preschoolers, many outbursts and meltdowns have their roots based upon feeling connected with us. Spending at least 15 minutes twice a day one-on-one with the child can help fill his/her connection bucket. And in situations where we can’t be fully present with them, doing simple things such as making eye contact, smiling at them, touching them, nodding to acknowledge them can make a huge difference in their behavior.

I know pro-spankers and other people who believe in harsh parenting will ask, “Doesn’t this make them more clingy?” What these people fail to understand is that forcing children to be independent before they are ready is what makes them “clingy.” Sure, you can spank/hit them to teach them not to “bug” you when you don’t want them to, but you’re actually breaking connection which usually backfires. Even if they don’t bother you, they will do things that are wrong just to get attention from someone.

Then when they are adults, they may have trouble with their relationships. If they’re never taught how to truly connect with others then it will hurt them throughout their lives.

I love parents who are able to be there for their children even when they are socializing with adults. For example, at a party I witnessed a mother who was fully engaged with her adult friends but the minute she thought she heard a child say, “Mom,” she paused to see if the children were in need. The children played with each other as well as came in with the adults without being rude. They didn’t interrupt. They were very respectful.

I think part of the “problem” with “today’s children” is that they are not getting the connection they need. Then they get punished for acting up. We need to put down the screens and the demands of life and do our best to connect with our children.

Processed with MOLDIV

As we celebrate Independence Day, I think about how our culture is consumed by independence. We constantly push children from birth to grow up as fast as possible. We don’t value interdependence at all.

The first thing most parents push their infants to do is hurry up and sleep through the night. Now, I understand that it is exhausting to have to parent a child throughout the night, but sleep is a need, not a skill. No one can force children to sleep.

As I have written about many times, some parents try to force their infants to sleep “independently” by letting them cry-it-out. Since crying is an infant’s only way of communication, leaving an infant in a dark room to cry alone releases huge amounts of stress hormones to his/her brain. Sure, infants eventually stop crying and “sleep” when left to cry-it-out, but it’s not the healthy sleep people believe it is. Rather, their brains are literally shutting down from stress.

Then the learned helplessness sets in. Infants learn to mistrust themselves and their caregivers when their cries are not consistently and respectfully responded to. Just because allowing them to cry “worked” and they appear fine, doesn’t mean damage didn’t occur. As an early childhood professional, I cannot recommend cry-it-out ever. Plus, just because they no longer cry out at night does not mean that they still don’t wake up hungry, scared, cold, hot, sick, in pain, or with a soiled diaper in the middle of the night. They just don’t bother to cry for help because nobody will come.

Infants need a response when they cry. A little fussing with our support as they fall asleep is ok, but ignoring their outright cries is not. Keep your babies close and create a bedtime routine based on your and their needs. The time you spend parenting at night will pay off and soon enough they’ll be sleeping on their own and you may miss the quiet time at night with your little one.

Another way that we push independence on infants and young children is that we manipulate infants’ bodies to crawl, sit up, and walk before they are ready. I strongly believe God created infants to develop naturally without our “helping” them along. We don’t need to push infants or young children to do things that they’re not ready to do. Don’t hold them back, but don’t push them either.

Also, when children are forced to obey out of fear of being punished, they further learn that their parents cannot be trusted. Plus, we force them to become independent before they’re really ready by expecting too much of them. Another thing is that they learn to hide stuff from their parents. They learn that they “themselves” are the only ones that they can truly depend on. This can negatively affect their adult relationships as well as their relationships with God.

We need to do our best to show our children they can depend on us and God. I believe encouraging teamwork and interdependence within the family is the best way to grow independent children and adults.