Paddles Are For Boats, NOT For Hitting Children!

April 17, 2016 Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

This story of a kindergartner being held down and paddled for spitting at another child in a Georgia school really upset me! And, of course, the pro-spankers are in full force cheering about this and insulting anyone who dares to disagree with them, thus, showing once again that lack of empathy is a negative effect of being spanked/hit. No one with an ounce of empathy could be supportive of this. Plus, you can’t hit a child with a large wooden paddle if you have any empathy!

There are a few points I want to cover in this post. I know I keep saying this stuff in different ways over and over again, but until the abuse of children ends, I will never stop speaking out for children. After all, children are human beings!

So let’s get started!

The first thing that struck me as I half watched the video of the kindergartener about to be paddled/hit at that school in Georgia was the paddle was almost as big as him! A small child got hit by a big wooden paddle. Am I the only one who sees a major problem with this? I can’t even imagine how painful and scary that was. We had a paddle with holes in it at my house growing up and I was terrified of it even though, thankfully, I was never hit with it. But I saw it used on my siblings.
Hitting a small child with a big paddle can cause major injury. And from the testimonies I have heard from people who were paddled at school, the staff don’t hold back much when hitting the children. This is very disturbing. And even if they flick their wrist first, most children have lower pain tolerances than adults do. I can guarantee that kindergartener was in a lot of pain after the spanking/hitting which is not a good thing!
Imagine having to sit the rest of the day in a hard desk after being hit hard by a wooden paddle that was almost as big as you! Could you focus? Could you learn? Of course not! Research shows that pain and fear inhibit learning. Plus, Kindergarteners should be playing, not sitting in desks!

Corporal punishment should never be used with children! It is time to ban it in all schools and homes! It is not your “right to hit your child with a paddle, wooden spoon, paint stick, tree branch, or hand.” Can you imagine how scary school is for the children in the nineteen states that still allow corporal punishment in schools? It does not make children better behaved either.

So, how would I handle a child who spit? I would explain that spitting is gross and would have given him alternative ways of handling conflict after hearing what happened from both children. I would guide them through conflict resolution. And I would have told the child that he may spit outside on the ground or in the bathroom toilet.

It’s all about being willing to discipline (teach and guide) instead of punishing them.

After all, paddles are for boats, NOT for hitting children!

Why Children’s Feelings Matter

November 16, 2015 Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

This society seems to value children’s feelings less and less. From parents telling their children that they ate all of their Halloween candy (as a supposed “joke”) and videotaping them crying in order to send it to Jimmy Kimmel to show on his show so everyone can laugh at it; to the dad who shot his daughter’s laptop because she posted a letter on Facebook about how she felt disrespected by her parents. The majority are cheering for this dad.

What about the children’s feelings? Why do so many laugh at an upset child? It is very disturbing to me that children’s value seems to be less and less. This is not a good thing! It means our society is becoming less and less empathetic. That is downright scary.

Christians aren’t any better either. Many punish their children for showing any type of negative emotion. Children are not being taught how to express and cope with their negative emotions in a healthy, positive way.

I understand that we adults get so caught up in our lives and issues that we forget that losing candy, not being able to go outside, or being disappointed about a friend being mean is a big deal to them. They are new to our world. They don’t understand adult issues nor should they. I love how my friend, Rachel, got busy trying to get laundry done and briefly forgot to take her daughter’s feelings into consideration, but then, recognized her mistake and made things right with her daughter.

“I had a parenting fail today because I was tired and frustrated. I was running Sadie a bath and trying to get laundry done for tomorrow so I told her I needed her uniform to wash with the others. She replied “I have to be naked?!” And flipped out. Crying and hysterical. I was trying to talk over her instead of calming her first by saying just her uniform, she can wear her panties, and she was laying in bed anyway playing on her Kindle so she wouldn’t be cold, she has blankets. I was in a rush to get clothes in the washer so I had timeto dry them by bedtime. Obviously that did no good. I finally took the five minutes to sit and listen to her truly, why she didn’t want to be naked, and then what I was saying about having panties on and covering up with a blanket was perfectly fine to her. We are all busy, we all have our own things to get done, but when we don’t slow down and listen, sometimes we are only hindering ourselves. Kids have reasons why they want things a certain way, and we can’t expect them to listen to us if we don’t listen to them, no matter how unreasonable it seems” ~Rachel.

I agree with Rachel. Simply taking the time to listen and validate our children’s feelings is crucial. And, in the end, it makes life go easier. Instead of fighting against them, we can work with them and do our best to understand and validate their negative feelings.

Just because children are young and immature, does not make their emotions and feelings less important than ours. How would you do if your spouse or friend put you down or dismissed you because they thought what you were upset about was “stupid” or “ridiculous?” What if they “jokingly” upset you and showed it to the world to laugh at?

We are supposed to live by the Golden Rule. If you wouldn’t like it done to you, don’t do it to your children.

We need to take our children’s emotions seriously from birth. Always responding sensitively and respectfully to crying infants is to validate their feelings. Instead of shushing the infant and saying, “You’re ok,” I say, “Oh, you’re hungry! I’m getting ready to feed you.” I Always validate even the youngest infants feelings even if I can’t figure out the need. For example, tell the infant, “you’re so upset. I hear you. I’m trying to figure out what you need.”

Teaching children to be “tough” is not a good thing. Crying is not a weakness! I know many men as well as some women who have a very difficult time expressing and coping with their negative emotions because they were taught to be “tough.” And sometimes, being “tough” for some is not showing compassion for others, which is not Christ-like at all. People who are hurting need and deserve compassion and validation. This includes children!

Finally, if we force children to deny, repress, and bottle up their negative emotions, they will eventually come out somehow. Or they’ll turn to harmful ways of dealing with the pain inside them. For some, this may lead to suicide.

Yes, children’s emotions matter. Everyone should be sensitive to each other’s pain. The only way to do that is to model love and compassion towards our children and everyone else that is hurting! Also, model Jesus.

Guest Post: Kinderen Van Mijn Hart (Children Of My Heart) By Hannah Klassen

October 27, 2015October 27, 2015 Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

They twist the words, thus, making us out to be fools. They are very good at their verbal gymnastics. I fall to the floor; the grief within my heart weighs down on me like a boulder. Tears flow down my cheeks, like a river. I weep for thousand years.

Oh, *Kinderen van mijn hart, they hurt you, and they confuse your minds, they make you believe that you deserved it, that it was love that drove them to do it. Oh my dear little ones, so young, so trusting, and they twist that and warp that.

Oh beloved Papa, the darkness consumes and devours, distorts and destroys. How dare they use Your name! How dare they say it’s Your will and Your command! For what they do is of great darkness. To wound a child like that. It is not just the body they harm, but also the heart, soul, spirit and mind. They say that they do it out love, but what kind of love would force a child into a helpless position and strike them, inflicting pain and fear?

While within their hearts, they have great love for their children, but what drives them to slap the buttocks is not love, but fear. It is fear that drives their hand. Fear of what will happen if they don’t. Fear of what others will think if they don’t. Fear of what God will do to them if they don’t.

Oh, what a twisted web of deception, those who sit on their thrones and tell us what to do, that their way is the right way. Why have we made them our “gods,” and obey them without question? They are mere humans, like us. So why do we take their words as if they are holy? Just because their kids appear to be wonderful, productive, and responsible citizens. We know that things aren’t always what they appear. How many times have horrible crimes become known and we cry out in shock, because we really bought the act that person was playing. We say, “how could they have done that?” They were such a good person and we list off all the things that we believe makes someone a good person.
Are spankings from God? Does spanking cause a child to fear? Is there fear in love or does love cast out fear? Does it cause a child, when they have done something wrong to lie, hide and escape a spanking? Does spanking soften a child’s heart or does it harden it, thus, they have less compassion for their sibling who gets spanked too? Does it produce life, light, and love? Does it produce peace, gentleness, kindness and compassion for others? What is the fruit of spanking?

“As I explained, and article explains, spanking isn’t violence! You obviously have no clue! My mother was spanked, her mother was spanked, I was spanked, I never felt threatened, I never felt unloved, I never felt abused, neither did my mom, or hers! And their generations where better behaved,more Morgan’s, respect and values, today people are raising spoiled rotten brats who feel privileged and manipulate and get bribed! That turns out thugs and brats! Spanking is not hitting, a big difference! Hitting is in anger, uncontrolled and teaches nothing.”

“It’s kids today who are more violent and harsh and less sympathetic! Back when I was a kid, kids where kind and we all got along, a bully was humiliated and kids stood up for bullied. The generations before where respectful and kind and had more values. Kids today are rude and brash,curse and ignore authority and rules!”

“And I work with kids! Even in early nineties/ late eighties they where better behaved! Today you can get cussed out and assaulted by a three year old! Oh….and mommy doesn’t spank so kid will never empathize because he doesn’t know what it feels like!”

When I read these words, my heart becomes broken. If this person is the posterchild for a properly spanked kid, then we all should weep until there are no more tears to shed. When Jesus was here on earth and was with people, who was the people He hung out with? The very people this person is calling names.

Our Papa does not see any of His children in this light. Yes, He sees all of our brokenness and wrongdoing. But, that doesn’t cause Him to despise us, rather, it moves His heart with compassion. Tears fall from His eyes, for He feels our pain and empathizes with our struggles. When we’ve really screwed up and feel like a piece of (expletive deleted), what does Papa do? He embraces us, holds us in His arms, and tells us over and over again that He will love us forever and ever and there is nothing we can do that will ever change that. He pours His love upon us, with eyes so soft and caring, with a face of such affection, this is our God, this is our Papa.

*Kinderen van mijn hart (children of my heart).

Think You’re Not Damaged From Being Spanked/Hit? Think Again!

September 4, 2015September 20, 2015 Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

There is a video going around Facebook from a mom who thought it would be funny to show the world that her little boy put on ten pairs of underwear to protect himself from being spanked/hit for, yes this makes sense, hitting his sister. Then she proudly announces that she still spanked/hit him on the leg.

The child looks afraid and has a shy smile on his face during the video. But, pro-spankers can’t see that. They insist that he looks “just fine.”

Then the pro-spankers proceed to laugh at the child’s fear and pain. They applaud his mom for inflicting pain on him, then taking a video of him showing how many pairs of underwear he wore, and proudly proclaiming that his efforts to protect himself didn’t work.

A lot of the pro-spankers insisted that they were not damaged from being spanked/hit as children. They kept laughing at the pain. Then when people like me tried to show them that this wasn’t funny, and that children are human beings too that never deserve to be hit, they went into attack mode.

So, you think you’re not damaged? Think again!

1. Do you laugh at videos showing children fearful and in pain?

2. Do you believe spanking/hitting children is “fine” and even “good?”

3. Are you defensive when people like me stand up for children?

4. Are you unwilling to consider gentle yet firm discipline?

If you answered “Yes” to any of these questions, I’m afraid you are. And if you answered “No” to these questions, then you probably understand you have been damaged by spanking and don’t ever want to hurt your children in the same way.

Here’s the thing. Most damage from spanking/hitting is unseen unless you know what you are looking for. We now have mounds of research from scholars such as Gershoff, Straus, Holden, Turner, and Miller showing that corporal punishment puts children at a higher risk of anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol abuse, domestic violence, brain damage, denial of pain, anger, aggression, learning problems, sexual dysfunction, and continuing the cycle of violence toward children. It even puts children at risk for health problems later in life. Just Google these names and tons of valid, reliable studies will come up. Plus more from others.

People can be sick with cancer and one would never know it by looking at them. Appearances are often deceiving. Pro-spankers tend to exhibit symptoms such as lack of empathy, aggression, and just plain meanness.

This shows that they are indeed damaged by being spanked/hit as children.

I do not want my children laughing at another’s pain. This world would be so much better if people would discipline (teach, guide) children. Violence begets violence. Respect begets respect.

If you read this post and get nothing out of it and still believe you’re not damaged, think again!

The Pain Is REAL!

September 1, 2015September 20, 2015 Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

So, my husband and I are grieving his mom who went Home August 8th, 2015 and it’s become more and more obvious how the United States wants to repress pain as soon as possible. Any negative emotion is pushed into a time frame, and once that time frame is over, it’s time to “get over it.”

Western society minimalizes everything unless the media finds it sensational and can then exploit others’ pain.

It wasn’t like this in Bible times. People spent weeks or months in mourning. It wasn’t rushed. You could actually mourn without pressure. Now, once the person is in the ground, it’s time to move on.

Well, I’m not ready. Grief does not work that way, especially when it’s a MOM!

Watching my husband grieve his mom has been unbearable. She carried him in her womb, nursed him, and did all the wonderful mom things with him.

How in the world do you simply “get over” that? Guess what! You DON’T! Especially when she was a wonderful mom that never intentionally hurt him.

She was my second mom for 17 years. She fully accepted me into her family. With my disability AND our age difference, she could have chosen to be like my dad and reject me and disown her son. But she and her husband welcomed me right into the family as did the rest of my husband’s family.

To be hurting this much actually makes me happy in a way because to hurt THIS much means she did something VERY RIGHT. I’d choose this grief over the weird, yucky grief I had with my dad who abused me.

We need to stop teaching children from infancy that happiness is the only acceptable emotion because it’s not. It has created a society where pain and suffering must be dealt with as quickly as possible because it makes others feel uncomfortable. God never intended that. Validate your children’s negative feelings. Help them learn healthy ways of dealing with negative emotions.

Then, teach them how to help others who are in pain. Because while anyone can put a smile on his/her face and act “fine,” the pain is REAL no matter how old you are. It helps if not only God, but other people actually come along side you and help carry some of the pain. We can’t stop it, but we can help carry it!

Romans 12:15 New American Standard Bible (NASB):

“Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.”

Love this song, “Not Right Now” by Jason Gray.

Are Children Truly Selfish?

July 9, 2015September 20, 2015 Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

Many people, especially Christians, think that young children’s incapability to always share or to not be able to put themselves in other’s shoes or to need what they need is selfishness. They think this is children’s “flesh” and “sinful nature” taking over. It is not sin or selfishness at all.

It’s a developmental stage that young children go through. Only much older children and adults are truly able to be selfish. We have impulse control. We should have empathy. Children don’t. They’re learning.

Infants and toddlers are very aware of their parents’ emotions from birth and are affected by them, but this does not mean that infants and toddlers can empathize with the parents.
Young children from birth until somewhere around the age of four or five years are what Jean Piaget calls egocentric. Again, this is not due to their “sinful nature” and it does not mean that young children are evil. God designed children exactly how they are. There’s a reason He made young children egocentric, probably for survival in this harsh, sinful world.

As we teach children empathy by modeling it to them as well as pointing out how their behaviors–both positive and negative–affect others, children begin to learn how to be empathetic. We need to teach them how to be gentle and respectful to others by being gentle and respectful to them.

Punishing them will always hinder their learning of selflessness.

Unfortunately, parents who use fear and punishment to make their children obey them are actually teaching their children to be selfish as the child is not thinking about doing something for another person but rather protecting him/herself from punishment. We should not be teaching our children to only do things to avoid punishment, as the Bible says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves” (Philippians 2:3).

I’ve dealt with many pro-spankers, and the way some of them dismiss the painful experiences a great deal of people have had with being hit by their parents is selfish. The way pro-spankers automatically assume that their children will “survive” just because they feel they did is selfish.

In essence, spanking/hitting makes many selfish because it leads to worldly sorrow and a sense of self preservation instead of godly sorrow.

So, what is godly sorrow and worldly sorrow?

In 2 Corinthians 7:8-11, it states:

“Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it—I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while—yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done. At every point you have proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter.”

What the Apostle Paul is saying here is that godly sorrow makes us think beyond ourselves to how our actions have hurt or affected other people and our relationship with God. We look past whatever consequences our actions caused us and want to do everything in our power to repent and seek forgiveness from God and the person we have hurt. This is why Paul says that godly sorrow brings life as we seek to be forgiven.

On the other hand, worldly sorrow brings death according to what Paul says in this verse. Due to fear of punishment as well as guilt, people of all ages will focus on the consequences that are happening to them because of their actions rather than how they’ve hurt God and the other person. This is worldly sorrow. Being afraid of punishment and rejection causes worldly sorrow. Also, feeling so guilty and bad about oneself that one feels that he/she deserves whatever punishment he/she has coming to him/her leads to worldly sorrow.

We need to do our best to use discipline instead of punishment so that our children don’t become selfish people who believe that it is perfectly acceptable to inflict pain on others.

No, young children are not selfish, but we sure can be!

The Mocking Tone of Pro-spankers

June 29, 2015September 20, 2015 Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

I am sickened and saddened by the harsh, mocking tone of yet another pro-spanking meme circulating Facebook.

It’s as if being hit and/or hitting a child is not serious. It also further proves that pro-spankers lack empathy and compassion. To truly believe that children need a “good whipping or spanking” in order to learn limits and boundaries shows a lack of regard for the fruits of the Spirit, the child’s feelings and dignity, and for people who were spanked and did not turn out “just fine.” The reality is that if you believe inflicting pain on a child is “ok,” you’re are not fine.

Denial and repression are very strong coping mechanisms when one has been hurt by their parents. It’s easier to deny and repress and even mock the pain rather than deal with it. It’s very sad that this not only perpetuates violence towards children, but it turns some into downright angry and hateful people.

Yes, children who are physically punished/abused can learn empathy, but it is much more difficult for them, and they often learn it from someone other than their parents. The research and actions of pro-spankers clearly demonstrates that physical punishment/abuse limits the development of empathy in children.

But, you can fight this. You can become gentle. I encourage all pro-spankers to search their hearts and ask if they really want their children to be like them; mocking, angry, un-empathetic, degrading, and mean?