mutual respect – Disciplining With Gentle Firmness

This post may be all over the place but it’s based on things I have experienced this week. It was a rough week as May 2nd was the one year anniversary of my dear grandpa going Home. I have really struggled with his passing. He and I were extremely close and he was a wonderful grandfather who never intentionally hurt me.

Since my family has not had any “official” services for him yet and I won’t be able to go to them due to financial issues and a cat who has chronic diseases and is not yet ready to die, I had my own private funeral service on Tuesday May 2nd that included getting a beautiful tattoo.

I kept thinking “goodbye grandpa” during the tattoo which is on my upper right arm. The tattoo came out perfectly! Parts of it hurt like heck as the inside of one’s arm is much more sensitive, but my tattoo artist and my husband encouraged me during the tough parts and I breathed and laughed my way through it. I cried when it was done.

I’m not letting go but I finally feel so at peace that he is physically gone. I miss him and my mother-in-law so much, but I just couldn’t get comfortable with Grandpa being gone until until I got this memorial tattoo. Plus, he deserved a detailed tattoo. I LOVE my first tattoo which is for him but I was feeling guilty that everybody else has detailed tattoos and he didn’t. So now that I know I can get detailed tattoos, I’m happy I got one for him and the jacket that was his. She made it look like a watercolor.

Processed with MOLDIV

However, I have been experiencing some things that prove how important respect is. I haven’t felt very respected and that has made me lash out. I didn’t repay evil for evil, but I could have done better.

When adults and children don’t feel respected and heard, it makes them angry. That’s why children usually act out. They need connections and respect. But it is so hard when you’re doing your best to be respectful and the other person doesn’t respect you. Children don’t mean to be disrespectful as they are still learning how to respect. But adults should know better.

I also feel like, based on my own experiences as well as observations, people of all ages tend to want to control and manipulate others that they feel are weaker. These people usually have emotional problems that make them need to feel powerful and in control by manipulating the weaker person.

We see this all the time with the parent-child dyad. The parent finally has someone they can control and manipulate after they were controlled and manipulated as children. They may be doing it unconsciously, but they do it nonetheless. Others are fully aware of what they are doing.

But another group that is often controlled and manipulated, sometimes even by family, are people with disabilities. I have severe cerebral palsy and I often feel like people don’t respect me. No matter how old I get, I often get treated as a child. Of course, anyone who knows my story knows that I was physically, verbally, and emotionally abused by my late dad. I was also emotionally abused by my school aide.

In addition to dealing the my grief of losing my mother-in-law and grandpa as well as dealing with my beloved kitty going downhill and other life stresses, I have felt very disrespected. Trying to have boundaries and protect myself while remaining Christ-like is not easy.

Of course, this makes me think of children. We need to respect their personal boundaries as we set our own boundaries with them. It is such a helpless feeling knowing that someone you love is trying to control, manipulate, and make you feel guilty for something that you didn’t do. I’m 35 and I’m really struggling with it and I don’t always handle it as well as I should. It’s no wonder that children have meltdowns and anxiety and feel so out of control when we try to control, manipulate, and shame them. I can relate so much to the feelings children have.

I am at peace with the loss of my grandpa and I am thankful for that. At the same time, it comes to light that we all need to be respected by the people we love no matter what our age is. I don’t believe that elders deserve respect just because they are older. I believe respect is earned. It must be mutual. It cannot be forced. If it is forced, it leads to strong resentment.

I guess that is my mishmash of thoughts. I hope it helps someone else dealing with similar things. I also hope it helps parents to see how important it is to respect their children. Only through respecting our children will they learn to respect others.

“Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men” (Romans 12:17, NASB).

“Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing” (1 Peter 3:9, ESV).

I have been going through a great deal of things recently. I was badly hurt by some people. Believe me, I have been tempted to repay evil for evil, but that is not what God wants us to do. I am far from perfect, but I am really doing my best to not repay evil.

I have learned a few things as I continue to work through the hurt, anger, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and anxiety from the recent incidents and they also apply to gentle parenting.

1. Scolding harshly just shuts children and adults down. It’s true. Scolding anyone of any age just makes them feel angry, defensive, small, and helpless. This is especially true when a child has not even done anything wrong. And often harsh scolding is abusive and/or shaming, which is very harmful and hurtful.

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1, NASB).

2. People of all ages act badly when they feel badly. This is a common idea throughout gentle parenting. Realizing why a child is acting out is so important because he/she is usually feeling badly either physically or emotionally or both. When we stop to see behind the behavior, we see a whole new picture that changes, hopefully, the way we respond to the child. The same is true with adults. Being lashed out at by an adult is harder for me to deal with than if it was a child. Yet, when I am really hurting, I tend to lash out too. But I have learned that trying to be quiet and not lash out is always the best way to go. Easier said than done, though.

3. Mutual respect is key for healthy relationships. From the moment a child is conceived, he/she should be respected. Teaching respect means being respectful by not doing anything to the child that you know will intentionally hurt them such as cry-it-out, saying harsh words to them, manipulating them either physically or emotionally or both, and spanking/hitting them. I often feel like people don’t truly respect me and that’s so hard when I’m trying to be respectful. Again, I am far from perfect, but without mutual respect, one person will be walked all over by the other person. The only way I know to encourage mutual respect is to teach it to children. And just because someone is disabled or different doesn’t mean they don’t deserve the same respect as everyone else!

“Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor;” (Romans 12:10, NASB).

“and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ” (Ephesians 5:21, NASB).

4. PTSD, anxiety, and sensitivity are real and not weaknesses. Due to being abused throughout my childhood by my dad and a school personal aide, I have all of these things. When people I am close to say “mean” things to me–whether it’s intentional or not-– it triggers my anxiety and PTSD. I’m left debilitated for a while. For children, saying mean, hurtful things will only tear them down and may lead to anxiety and PTSD. Some children, as I was , and still am, are quite sensitive. Unfortunately, being sensitive is often looked down upon and seen as a weakness. Then people try to use this to manipulate and control these children and adults. This is not ok! If everyone was sensitive and empathetic, the world would be a much better place!

5. Despite the common Christian doctrine that we’re born selfish, selfishness is a learned behavior. Children raised with respect, compassion, empathy, and love usually learn to be the same. These children are more competent in social interactions and have a lower rate of anti-social behaviors. People raised with selfishness can learn how not to be, but many remain selfish until the day they die. If we want less selfishness in the world, we need to learn how to be selfless! And we must teach our children how to be selfless by modeling it to them daily.

“Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;” (Philippians 2:3, NASB).

6. We must forgive while not allowing people to walk all over us. Boundaries and limits are a must for children and adults in our life. Children usually cooperate with boundaries and limits when they understand the reason behind them. Adults, however, can be more complicated because they don’t always respect the limits and boundaries. Sometimes all we can do is to put more space between us and them to protect ourselves. I’m still figuring out how to do this.

Also when we forgive, we should never throw stuff back in their faces when we are upset with them. That isn’t fair. We don’t forget but we move on if we can with the relationship. Otherwise, it might be better to get out of a toxic relationship.

7. We can’t control others but we can control ourselves. The best thing is to focus on controlling our responses to others. We are the only one that we can control.

I’m still working on all of this. If everyone would do their best to work on these things, I truly believe that we’d have healthier relationships.