It is very important to set realistic limits with children, but most parents don’t understand what a realistic limit is for a young child. I start with three main rules from which all limits should be derived. The rules are the following:
- Respect for others.
- Respect for ourselves.
- Respect for property.
These rules are the basis for all relationships to thrive. The reason why we should only have three basic rules on which to base limits and boundaries is that giving children too many rules to follow, especially at a young age, will only frustrate and overwhelm them. These basic rules are easy to understand and will make sense to children, though young children will require much guidance and reminders to help them cooperate with these basic rules.
It is important that while boundaries and limits are a bit flexible, that they are also consistent and hold firm. Some parents may set boundaries and limits based on the three basic rules, but then they allow their children to break right through them.
We must remember when setting limits and boundaries with our children is to make sure the limits and boundaries are logical and reasonable. If the limit does not make any sense to the child, he or she is more likely to fight the limit. Most children will cooperate with the limit, though they may test us at times even if they understand the reason for the limit. An example of giving a reason for a limit would be, “Please walk in the house so you don’t trip and fall.”
How many of us heard our parents say, “Because I said so,” when we wanted to know why they were either making us do something or not allowing us to do something as children? Did it make us want to cooperate? For me, it didn’t make me want to cooperate. It just made me angry. I believe that mutual respect dictates that we provide a simple reason for our limits.
Many times, we as parents, get into the habit of saying, “no,” “don’t,” and “stop,” so much that our children begin to tune us out. I mean, who wants to constantly be told what they can’t do? This doesn’t help young children learn how to interact appropriately with others. I have found that saying, “Be gentle with your baby brother,” is often more effective than saying, “Don’t hit.” Another example is saying, “Walking feet,” instead of saying, “Don’t run.”
Even if we have no choice but to phrase something negatively, it is very important to follow it with something positive that they can do. For example, say, “You may not draw on the wall, but you may draw on this piece of paper.”
More examples of setting realistic limits are:
“You may have a cookie after supper.”
“Please pick up your toys so nobody trips over them.”
“I need you to finish up so we can get ready to go.”
“Please sit on your bottom so you don’t fall.”
“You may not hit Jack, but you may hit the pillow.”
“I need you to use your words.”
“I need you to poop in the toilet.” (Not in the closet.) 😊
Many parents say, “You need to…” but the child is probably thinking, “No, I don’t need to brush my teeth and go to bed,” so it’s better to say that we need them to do things. Another thing is that it’s easy to give the limit in the form of a question. For example, “Do you want to get ready for bed?” Most young children will say, “No!” Therefore, if it isn’t a choice, then it’s better to say, “It’s time for bed.” Or, “I need you to get ready for bed.”
Also, giving children lead times will help make it easier for them to cooperate. Say, for example, “In five minutes it will be time to clean up and get ready for bed.” Be sure to get on the child’s level and say this. In fact, getting on children’s level whenever a limit or boundary is being set will help the child feel respected, making cooperation more likely.
If possible, when setting limits, give children choices such as “Would you like your Hello Kitty pajamas or your Mickey Mouse pajamas?” Or, “Do you want to walk to the bathroom or would you like me to carry you?” “Do you want to race to clean up with me?” Anything that gives children some control over the situation is a good thing.
Now, what if you set a limit and the child won’t cooperate? Simply say, “I see you’re having a hard time cooperating, so I will help you.” Giving help or making a choice when the child isn’t able to make up his/her mind isn’t punishment. Children need to learn that there are times when we must do things that we don’t want to do. Just be sure to validate their feelings when they get upset about the limit. Please see here for posts about validating feelings.
There’s never a reason to punish a child for not cooperating as he/she will experience the natural consequences of his/her behavior. See here for tips on using natural consequences.
I will be writing a post about using time-IN instead of time-out soon.
It’s important for me to point out again as I close, children are NOT “little sinners” that need the “devil beat out of them” as so many Christians continue to believe. They’re beautiful human beings that God created that need our help to navigate this world. Jesus drove demons out verbally. He befriended and corrected sinners. Then, amazingly, our Almighty God chose to suffer and die on the cross for all of humanity’s sins. He was sinless. Grace, mercy, gentleness is for children too. Jesus even held children up as an example for *us.* So may we discipline children in the way that Jesus disciplines us through setting realistic limits.