Author: Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

I have my Master's Degree in Early Childhood Ed. My book, Gentle Firmness, is no longer available. I am currently re-editing it. I am also working on my children's book. The children’s book is currently being illustrated. My specialty is infants and toddlers. I have worked with many infants, toddlers, and preschoolers. I used to teach parents, college students, and professionals about the Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE) Approach. The RIE Approach is a very respectful, sensitive, responsive way of caring for infants and toddlers. I also love Dr. Sears' Attachment Parenting. I try teach parents about how harmful spanking is, even when done "lovingly", and that the Bible does not teach us spank (hit) children. I'm very passionate about respect for children. I've been a Christ-follower since 1996, though I now no longer follow the Christian doctrine. I'm married to a wonderful man who supports me in this 100%. Thank you for reading my work!

Why Talking to Infants is So Important

Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed1 Comment

I taught the Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE) Approach at a community college a few years ago, and they have a child development lab where early childhood college students learn how to work with young children. After one of my RIE sessions where I discussed talking to infants and toddlers before doing things with them, some of the students got to see RIE in action at the child development lab.

The infant room had just gotten a new infant. She was just 6 weeks old. *6 weeks.* I always emphasize the 6 weeks part of this story every time I tell it. You’ll see why in a moment. Anyway, the teachers in the infant room told the college students that every time someone tried to pick up this child, she’d get very startled and scream. The teachers didn’t know how to help her. The college students decided to give RIE a try.

They went to the baby, got on her level, made eye contact, and said, “Hey —–, I’m going to pick you up. Are you ready?” They held out their hands to the baby as they said this to her and waited a few moments before slowly picking her up.

Guess what?!  The baby didn’t cry!  It worked!

A 6-week-old cannot yet understand words. But they do pick up on speech innotations and body language. This is why talking to infants and toddlers is so important!

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Meeting Needs as God Intended

Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

Proverbs 3:27-34
“Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due,
When it is in your power to do it.
Do not say to your neighbor, “Go, and come back,
And tomorrow I will give it,”
When you have it with you.
Do not devise harm against your neighbor,
While he lives securely beside you.
Do not contend with a man without cause,
If he has done you no harm.
Do not envy a man of violence
And do not choose any of his ways.
For the devious are an abomination to the Lord;
But He is intimate with the upright.
The curse of the Lord is on the house of the wicked,
But He blesses the dwelling of the righteous.
Though He scoffs at the scoffers,
Yet He gives grace to the afflicted.”

How many times do we fail to help each other when we have the ability to do so?  The Church seems to be broken in this matter.  It seems many churches tend to help those who meet their criteria and will promote their agendas. A certain church may only help outsiders in order to bring in more people to their building, yet, when a member has a real need, the church rejects that member. Other churches will only help people within their denomination. Yet, God clearly says to help one another both in the above verse and throughout the Bible.

“Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God” (Hebrews 13:16).

This is also a problem in the family unit. A hungry infant is made to wait to eat and drink in order to teach him/her “who is in control.”  A tired toddler in need of snuggles is told to stop whining or is punished. A school-aged child needing to talk about an upsetting event is told not to interrupt a phone conversation.

Yes, there are times when children need to wait, but the introductory verse tells us to meet our neighbor’s need right away if possible. Yes, anyone, including our children, are our neighbors. Just think how much more connected we could be with our children and others if we would just put them first when possible!  Children rely on us just as we rely on God. God never puts us on hold while He sees to other matters. He is always attending to our needs in some way.

Finally, the last part of Proverbs 3:27-34 says do not envy violent men. This applies to spanking/hitting children too. God hates violence. We see this in the teachings of Jesus. To strike a child is an act of violence.

Let us do our best to give others and our children what they need whenever possible. Putting them off and/or inflicting pain on children is not what God had in mind.

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Why Gentle Christian Parents Don’t Focus on Sin

Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

I was asked why gentle Christian parents and advocates don’t talk about sin much when it comes to children. The answer is because what most Christians believe is sin in children usually isn’t. A toddler saying, “no!” when asked to do something isn’t sin, it’s the child exploring independence and boundaries. A preschooler crying over not having something they really wanted is the child just having a hard time. Even biting, hitting, kicking, and cussing in young children is NOT sin. Young children needing food, love, comfort, room to play is not sin.

Sin is when we truly understand something is wrong and goes against God and we have total control over ourselves and can tap into God’s strength to resist, yet choose wholeheartedly to go against God, THAT is sin!!  Every child is different. Every child will sin like us. But, before 12-years-old, I don’t believe children truly sin. We slowly teach children about sin by disciplining without punishment. By providing them with appropriate behaviors. And, by teaching them about God.

Also, when we look for sin in children, it makes us hypersensitive to all “inappropriate behavior.” It makes us want to punish for perceived sinfulness. We look at children as “little sinners” rather than blessings as the Bible says they are. Jesus loves children and told us to be like them. When sin is the focus, we become proud. We become judges. We think more highly of ourselves than we should so we can “beat that sin right out of that child.”

In reality, we are WORSE sinners than older children. Jesus said to get the plank out of our own eyes before removing the speck out of our brother’s eye. This applies to children too! Sin is sooooooooo much more than a child having a meltdown. Childish behavior is NOT sin. Rejecting God is!  Hurting children is!  Let’s focus on teaching and guiding children instead of worrying what childish behavior is sin. Give children the tools to choose good over bad so when real sin comes their way, they can tap into God and make more righteous decisions over sinful ones.

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Today, Hear His Voice…

Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

“Therefore, since it remains for some to enter it, and those who formerly had good news preached to them failed to enter because of disobedience, He again fixes a certain day, “Today,” saying through David after so long a time just as has been said before, “TODAY IF YOU HEAR HIS VOICE, DO NOT HARDEN YOUR HEARTS.” For if Joshua had given them rest, He would not have spoken of another day after that” (Hebrews 4:6-8).

So many times we Christians cling to what we believe is Biblical truth when it’s not. If we choose not to question things we are taught, today, as the above verse says, we’ll miss out and our hearts will become hardened. That is scary to me, and I have been guilty of hardening my heart against God’s Truth. I thought I was remaining “firm in the Lord” when I was actually drifting from Him. What freedom I’ve felt when I humbled myself to Him and dug deeper into His actual Word to see Truth.

If you are a punitive parent, I encourage you to open your heart to God’s Truth. The God Who chose to come to Earth as Jesus to die for all of humanity’s sins. Please pay closer attention to Jesus’s actual teachings. Hone in on the Holy Spirit.

Imagine beginning to truly connect with your children and heal your relationships with them. The more we see our children as human beings, the more we understand that they have very real needs. By meeting those needs, many “behavior issues” can be resolved.

Also, imagine drawing closer to God as you learn to truly hear His voice which is the Holy Spirit in us.  1 John 4:1-2 states, “Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world. By this you know the Spirit of God: every spirit that confesses that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God.” God expects us to make sure we are really following Him. We cannot afford to simply take man’s word for it no matter how educated and godly that man seems to be.

Let’s do our best to follow after Christ and the Truth in all that we do. After all, Jesus said, “The Truth shall set you free.”

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Are Young Children Capable of Manipulating Us?

Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

A parent asked me if young children are capable of manipulating us.  And if a toddler really thinks that by having a tantrum, he/she can break the parent’s will.

This is such a good question. Sadly, many people, especially Christians, think children are very manipulative from birth on. The fact is infants 12 months and younger absolutely do not have the brain capability to manipulate us. As children get older, they can’t actually plan on manipulating us. It just happens in the moment.  It takes abstract cognitive ability to scheme against us; something children cannot do until adolescence.

No, toddlers are not thinking, “Hmmm…If I throw a fit, Mommy will let me have a cookie.” Rather, it’s when they want a cookie and we say “After supper” that they may get upset and have a meltdown. If we give in to their meltdown, they’ll repeat a meltdown because it worked. But, toddlers are so in the moment that they’re not able to sit and plan a way to get us to do what they want.  And yes, they may want extra cuddles, more books read, and another drink of water at bedtime because they’re not quite ready to separate from us even if we co-sleep.  Very young children just love being with us.

It is very important for us to realize that the way we view children is how they will behave. Many Christians seem to view children as “sinners” and “manipulative.” For example, James Dobson calls children horrible degrading names in his books. This sets up an adversarial parent-child relationship. Yet, God calls children blessings in Psalm 127:3. I view children as little people in need of help, guidance, and discipline (teaching). When the focus is on cooperation instead of control, children cooperate. I’ve worked with some pretty difficult children and was able to get them to cooperate through positive discipline strategies such as modeling, child-proofing, validating feelings, fulfilling the child’s physical and emotional needs, setting realistic limits and boundaries, helping children comply, giving choices, and using natural and logical consequences with children. Children do better when we view them as God does.

Young school-aged children may have a bit more planning ability, but they tend to still be in the moment. They might ask Mom over Dad because Mom tends to be more agreeable, but I don’t believe they are capable of planning much in the future to manipulate.

I remember when I was in 3rd or 4th grade, I was all ready for school and my mom wheeled me out to the school bus.  Only there was a substitute bus driver who treated me like I was mentally disabled.  Well, I guess I was in no mood to deal with her that morning because I started crying and told my mom that my stomach hurt.  I got to stay home from school that day. It was totally unplanned by me.

Therefore, I’d say that it isn’t until between the ages of 10-12 that children actually set out to manipulate, lie, or sneak around unless they are punitively parented. Then, they do whatever it takes to stay out of trouble. Of course, every child is different.  Respectful parenting makes it less likely that our children will set out to manipulate us when they are truly capable of doing so.

 

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When He (or in my case, She) Gets Old He Will Not Depart From It

Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

“Train up a child in the way he should go,

Even when he is old he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6).

Yesterday I learned just how true this is for me. I’ve always noticed it here and there with some of my actions and thoughts, but yesterday, it smacked me in the face.

 You see, it was discovered that a veterinarian we knew and had used had let things get way out of control and had lost her license in December of 2014 and was still practicing medicine with the animals in her home. Her clients were unaware of this. Then, this past weekend over 60 animals were removed from her home.

I’ll spare you the rest of the details as they are pretty gruesome. When my husband told me all this, I felt panic, anger, sadness, and confusion. And…I assumed the worst of this woman. I had trusted her with my fur babies from 2007-2009/2010, way before any of this, but I still had scary thoughts of what my cats may have witnessed or experienced while in her care.

My husband felt anger and was horrified initially, but was quickly able to move to having compassion for her based on what he knew of her when we used her. He didn’t think she was being malicious in any way and suspected an organic reason for her behavior such as mental illness or a brain tumor.

I, on the other hand, was slower to have compassion towards her. I wanted to believe she wasn’t some sadist vet. But, I assumed the worst of her. I thought she was horrible all along and we’d missed it. How could someone who loved animals so much treat them, operate on them, and keep them in deplorable conditions in her home?  My husband was under the impression that she had left them in her house in order to escape being caught by authorities, which made me even more upset. I cried on and off throughout the day that so many animals had suffered and even died in her care. I couldn’t believe I let her care for my sweet cats for a few years!

It wasn’t until last night that my husband’s suspicions were validated. The vet was not a sadist. She was honestly trying to help the animals. She had spent her whole savings to keep up practicing veterinary medicine. And she was living in these deplorable conditions with the animals. Mental illness is a part of this horrific situation.

I felt relief finding out that her motives were pure. I cried for her. I had been praying for her throughout the day yesterday, but was so angry at her. After the relief of finding out that she wasn’t trying to hurt any of the animals came the guilt of realizing just how wrong I had been for assuming the worst of her. I immediately asked God to forgive me which He did. Then I had to fight the lovely self loathing that I struggle with all the time, but especially struggle with when I mess up.

So, what makes me assume the worst of people?  I believe it’s the way I was trained as a child. No, my family did not purposely instill this in me. However, there were certain members of my family who would put on a facade to make themselves look better to outsiders than how they really were in private with me. I have had other people do this too. Sometimes I feel like I attract “fake” people.

Having to deal with this throughout my life has made me prone to go negative instead of positive when it comes to people, especially when bad things happen.

Children are constantly watching us even when we don’t think they are. Every little thing we do, say, or feel does not go unnoticed by our children.

Proverbs 22:6 is absolutely right in that how we are trained as children can be very difficult to undo as adults. BUT, thankfully, Proverbs 22:6 was never meant to be taken as a promise. We have the power in Christ to break free from the negative things by which we were trained. I know I will be working on not immediately assuming the worst when I am not aware of all the details of situations. I trust God will give me the grace to continuing on my journey to be more Christlike.

Please be intentional with your children as you help them grow and develop. Trust me, they are always watching!

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What is Proverbs 23:13-14 Actually Saying?

Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

Do not hold back discipline from the child,
Although you strike him with the rod, he will not die.
You shall strike him with the rod
And rescue his soul from Sheol”
Proverbs 23:13-14 NASB

So many Christians believe this verse and the other “Rod” verses are to be taken literally. Some very watered down versions of the Bible even say to spank. But, if we were to take this literally, wouldn’t that make God a liar?

Let’s think about this.

1. The Hebrew word for rod is Shebet. It was a big heavy stick with spikes on it. Striking a small child with this instrument even gently would kill the child.

2. Sheol is the Hebrew word for death, not Hell, as many Christians believe. To say that spanking/hitting children will save them from Hell would discredit the horrible suffering and agony of what Christ did on the cross. All we would need to be saved from Hell would be a good beating. Yet, many reject God due to “loving spankings.”

3. Many children have physically died from spankings. This verse and the rest of the Bible does not give “rules” on how not to go too far. In fact, the King James Version of the Bible, which many fundamentalist Christians tout as the “only true version,” tells us to beat children with the rod.

Again, this would make God a liar to say that a child will not die if we beat her/him. God NEVER lies (“so that by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have taken refuge would have strong encouragement to take hold of the hope set before us” (Hebrews 6:18, NASB)!

4. Even if children don’t physically die after being spanked/hit, an emotional/spiritual part of them does die and their brains are damaged. This is NOT good. This makes it harder for them to receive God’s grace.

5. Jesus said a lot about children. Why did He not talk about spanking/hitting them?

Considering all these facts, which I explore much more deeply in my book, Gentle Firmness, wouldn’t it make more sense to interpret these verses in keeping with the original context and actual meanings?

The deeper we look into the original context and meaning, the clearer it becomes that God never intended for children to be spanked/hit.

If we discipline children with God’s Word, they will not die.

If we protect children with the rod, they will not die.

If we use our authority properly to teach and guide our children in a gentle but firm way, they will not die.
Punishment leads to death. Discipline leads to LIFE!

“But Jesus said, “Let the children alone, and do not hinder them from coming to Me; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these”
Matthew 19:14 NASB

Let’s listen to Jesus instead of man!

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Our Interconnectedness

Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

We are so interconnected a higher plane than we can truly understand. After all, we don’t even use much of our God given brain power because it’d overload us. But in Heaven, we’ll finally understand so much more than we do now. Our perceptions will be gone from what the Church and society has taught us, and we’ll be childlike again.

That is why God gets so upset when people hurt children because they know so much spiritually, but we ruin it. That makes me sick. Children know God, but our doctrines and punishments plant sin in them. Then they believe whatever we teach because they are so trusting & humble. If we could/would just cultivate their knowledge of God and show them that He is their loving Daddy, this world would be better. But, satan knows this and wants to ruin it as quickly as possible to make children either reject God or believe that He’s this mean, angry God that so many Christians make Him out to be.

The best way we can preserve our connectiveness with our children and God is to discipline them.  Teach them how to act through modeling.  Help them learn to deal with their negative emotions by validating them and provide them appropriate ways of getting out their upsets. One way to do this is giving them a calm me jar.

To make a calm me jar, fill a plastic bottle with water. Then pour glitter in. Duct tape the cap on and give it to them when they are upset. They can manhandle it. As they calm down, they can watch the glitter settle. You can talk to them about their feelings.

Some other ways to stay connected to our children and God is to set realistic limits and use natural and consequences with our children  I will be posting more on limits and consequences in the future.  I go in depth about them and other positive discipline strategies in my book, Gentle Firmness.

We are so blessed to have a loving God Who values relationships over anything else!

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Beware of Distorting Scripture

Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

2 Peter 3:14-18:

“Therefore, beloved, since you look for these things, be diligent to be found by Him in peace, spotless and blameless, and regard the patience of our Lord as salvation; just as also our beloved brother Paul, according to the wisdom given him, wrote to you, as also in all his letters, speaking in them of these things, in which are some things hard to understand, which the untaught and unstable distort, as they do also the rest of the Scriptures, to their own destruction. You therefore, beloved, knowing this beforehand, be on your guard so that you are not carried away by the error of unprincipled men and fall from your own steadfastness, but grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory, both now and to the day of eternity. Amen.”

I see the Church today distorting the Scriptures a lot in order to fit their beliefs.

Some Christians claim that drinking alcohol is unBiblical when the Bible says alcohol is just fine as long as we don’t get drunk. They also claim that some natural remedies are satanic despite research showing their amazing healing and preventive abilities.  Not to mention the fact that these remedies were used in the Bible.

Some Christians claim dancing is unBiblical, yet, David danced for joy in the Lord (2 Samuel 6:14).

Many Christians believe that babies are born “sinful,” yet, God calls them blessings (Psalm 127:3).  Infants and young children even have a special knowledge of Who God is according to Matthew 25:11. Also, James 4:17 states, “Therefore, to one who knows the right thing to do and does not do it, to him it is sin.” This can only apply to older children and adults who truly understand sin. “Moreover, your little ones who you said would become a prey, and your sons, who this day have no knowledge of good or evil, shall enter there, and I will give it to them and they shall possess it” (Deuteronomy 1:39). God clearly says children do not know right from wrong.  Still, Christians will fire off a few verses out of the Book of Romans to say we are born “evil.”  If that were true, young children, who lack impulse control due to immature brain development, would be horrible little people committing awful acts based on their fleshly impulses.  Yes, I believe that due to satan and sin being in the world that we will all eventually sin and will need to come to Jesus for His amazing grace and forgiveness, but babies and young children do nothing that is purposely malicious or against God.

And then there are the Christian pro-spankers who adamantly claim that spanking/hitting children is absolutely Biblical. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard them say, “Well, I read my Bible” as they cite all of the “rod verses” from Proverbs that seem to promote spanking/hitting children at me.  Yet a deeper look at the “rod verses” shows that they mean to discipline (teach, guide, correct) with authority and God’s Word instead of spank/hit.

And THAT’S the problem!  As the introductory verses of this post teach, it is the untaught and the unstable who tend to distort Scriptures. Some do it unintentionally (the untaught) while others do it intentionally because they’re unwilling to let go of their beliefs (the unstable). I’ve been guilty of blindly taking Church doctrine as Biblical Truth because of not knowing better.

The Bible, while alive and active, is not meant to be read without looking at the historical context, cultural context, and the meanings of the original languages in which the Scriptures were written. And some Bible versions such as the New American Standard Bible (NASB) and the English Standard Version (ESV) are more accurate than the modern watered down versions such as the The Message, the New Living Translation (NLT), and even the New International Version (NIV) because church doctrine has ended up getting in these modern versions. Some parts of the Bible are meant to be taken literally while others are not. We shouldn’t be satisfied with just going with whatever the Church says it means based on the particular denomination that fits with our beliefs.  As Samuel Martin often says, we must be very careful of “tip of the iceberg theology” as it distorts Scripture…The very thing 2 Peter 3:14-18 tells us not to do.

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Force = Conquering…Gentleness = Nurturing

Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

“Force is all-conquering, but its victories are short-lived.” -Abraham Lincoln

This is so true. It’s easy to use force to make children obey. It’s quick and easy. But, it is short-lived. Soon we must threaten and often use force again to make them obey. What we don’t see is the damage being done to our children. They learn to obey to avoid force and to use force with others to get what they want. They can become forever locked in that child who is always forced to obey. They can’t be their true selves.

Yes, force is all-conquering but it is also very harmful to these little humans called children.  God calls us to be gentle in all that we do.

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