Compassion in Tough Times

July 4, 2025 Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

I have been meaning to write a post for a while now about everything that is happening in this country and world.

I am beyond angry and disgusted that this current regime has been allowed to seize power over our country. I have witnessed the increasing amount of hate being spewed in every direction. This is tragic for our children, who are witnessing everything. They are learning that hate is acceptable, which is not the case.

Now the children face a very uncertain future. The reality is that COVID is negatively impacting their lives and the people who care for them. They also face the reality that they may not be able to have the vaccines that they need to live a long, healthy life. Their education is at risk. Even their food security is more uncertain than it’s ever been in recent history.

This is especially true for those with disabilities as the laws that help these children and adults be able to get their education are being destroyed. The minority groups that already struggle with poverty and equal access to education and services are now going to suffer because of the bill that was passed in order to take away funding for critical services such as healthcare, food stamps, Social Security are being cut in an unprecedented way.

I’m so sad for our children and the children and families around the world that are being affected by wars and now cuts to foreign aid programs that provide food, medicine, medical care, and other assistance.

The rich want what they want. They want the poor and middle class gone. They want babies to be born but not given the opportunity to live great lives.

The saddest part is that conservative Christians are celebrating this. They are celebrating the fact that transgender children are not receiving the education care they deserve and need. They are celebrating the fact that anti-vaccine individuals are attempting to rewrite research on vaccines that have been extensively researched and proven safe and effective. They are celebrating the fact that the most vulnerable are having their critical care taken away by wealthy and narcissistic individuals.

I hear fireworks going off and I feel so sad and angry. We’re literally losing our democracy and people are celebrating.

Jesus said to “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another” (John 13:34, NIV).

There’s no love in taking away from the needy and the vulnerable. There’s no love in spewing hate!

This is why I no longer identify as a “Christian.”

It’s only in the true service to others that we can achieve Heaven on Earth. No agenda. No need for any evangelizing or trying to “save” people. Just standing side by side with people who need help.

I’m afraid of a world where children are growing up in the hatred that has consumed the country; especially when it comes from “Christians.”

Teach children love even in these tough times. Help each other as much as possible. Resist the culture of hate and fear that makes the current regime and its followers feel so powerful. In the end, they won’t win if each of us do our part in helping each other and resisting the current regime.

Goodbye My Sweet Baby Girl. Welcome Back Grief and Pain.

April 26, 2024May 12, 2024 Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

Note: My husband usually edits all my blog posts to catch any errors or mistakes in my post. Today, we’re heartbroken and I don’t want to make him have to edit this post.

We’re absolutely heartbroken to announce that our sweet little girl, calico kitty, Patches has joined her “brother” in Heaven at around 5:30pm on March 28th. She was having severe dental issues and was going to have surgery to remove the resorption of her teeth, but she would start to get better with the pain medication and then go back downhill. It happened so quickly. She was fine for a 17.5 year old kitty but something happened one night and she was afraid to eat and drink. Over the past month and a half we have been in and out of the vet. Thankfully, I finally found a mask that will stay on my face as we’re still extremely high risk for Covid. I’m so thankful that I was able to go in the emergency vet with her and be at her appointments, especially her final one.

On the morning of March 28th, she was trembling and her gait was way off. Her last meal was the night before and she was acting like it had hurt her even though it was wet food and she was on pain medication. She was not able to eat or drink. She gave each of us that look like, “It’s ok Mommy, I will be ok.” The same look her “brother” gave me almost 7 years ago when we helped him cross the rainbow bridge.

The vet in the emergency department was that was there was their usual vet and he looked at her and he said that if he thought that there was any chance she would get better, he would tell us, but the way she was going, he didn’t think that the dental work would help her now. Something else was going on because he had been using Zorbium for other animals for chronic pain and he said she would be getting better and not worse.

Sweet girl knew it was time even though she was a fighter till the end. We loved on her and she was on my lap when she crossed over the rainbow bridge into Heaven. I kept asking the vet over and over that this was the best thing to do for her. He kept reassuring me that we were doing the kindest thing for her at this point. As she was asleep but still alive, I told her to go get YP. They were inseparable until he crossed the rainbow bridge and she grieved for him. I held her even after she had passed and petted her. As heartbreak as it is, I have held all my fur babies during and after they crossed because there’s no more pain finally.

The staff had a hard time because they had been in our lives for 16 years and cared for YP, Patches, and now Samoset. But Dr. Verbek was so strong and caring and reassured me that if he thought that there was anything he could do, he would be calling every specialist he knew to help her.

As a different kind of Christ follower than the mainstream Christians, my faith has totally changed. I believe in things that will make most Christians call me more heretical than they did before. But finding the truth about Jesus and Mary Magdalene is giving me so much peace and I know that animals are in Heaven. I am an empath who has had many spiritual experiences that can never be explained.

Patches Cox’s Obituary

June 21, 2006-March 28, 2024

Sweet Patches, we miss you so much! You gave us so much joy and love. From climbing up the wall hanging to being a loud mouth. You literally would talk to us and answer questions like you really were answering. “Yeah now. Wow. Meow Mix. Hm-hm…”. So many different sounds that you could make. It was uncanny how you could answer questions and really try to talk. You had quite a vocabulary. You were able to carry on a conversation with us and loved telling us all about it. You could be quite loud. We would have to tell you to “use your inside voice.” You would make little noises too when you were laying down and you wanted to acknowledge us. You had a lot to say!

You also loved sleeping in blankets and if you were in a blanket and Daddy would come up to it and lean over, you would make little chirping noises to acknowledge him. You would also chatter to him.

I loved the way you would pick up your head sometimes when we were talking to you. You would be sitting there and you would just move your head up to acknowledge us and say, “I love you.”

I remember when we first were thinking about adopting another cat/cats, I didn’t want another girl right away because we had just lost your “sister,” which was my first cat and I loved her so much. I didn’t want to compare another girl kitty with Sara. But you gave me no choice.

Walking in the cat room at the shelter, I didn’t even see you at first because I was looking at the large cage with a lot of cats. You were in a cage by yourself to my right. As we met a cute cat that was afraid of my wheelchair and movements, I felt a tap on my left shoulder. It was you playing with my string of the zip up I was wearing. I immediately felt intrigued by you and how you weren’t even afraid of me. In fact, you turned over on your back and gave me a familiar look that Sara used to give me all the time.

We thought you were adopted already since you were in a separate cage but we quickly found out otherwise. Getting you out of the cage, you snuggled with us and purred. You also got away from us and ran under a cage but we were able to get you back out. When Daddy put you back in your cage and was washing his hands, you meowed as if to say, “Don’t leave me.”

I knew what we had to do. Daddy kept asking me if I was sure about it and I said that I couldn’t just leave you there without adopting you. Your “brother” was sick and in isolation for two more days. What if someone else adopted you before we came back to meet him and someone else adopted you? I was convinced that you had chosen us to be your parents.

You were brave coming home and snuggled with me and then you would hide behind the speaker before coming back out to explore and get loving. Once you were adjusted to the new house and your “brother,” there was literally no stopping you. You would chase YP up the cat tree, biting at his hind legs. You guys would tear around the house.

You loved running from the utility room to the hallway. You sounded like a galloping horse. Sometimes YP would chase after you. You loved peeing with Daddy in the utility room.

You had the most beautiful gait. Watching you walk from behind, you looked like a little horse. You also galloped like a little horse.

You would scratch the carpet in the hallway so I found you a little scratching rug to put over the spot that you liked to scratch at. Daddy taught you how to use the scratching rug and you immediately started scratching it. You kept scratching it until the end.

When you would scratch it or something else, you loved having me say, “Scratch, scratch, scratch.” Like your “brother,” you loved to play in boxes and bags. You were a very oral kitty who loved to bite on cardboard boxes and paper and plastic bags which we had to take away the plastic bags so you wouldn’t eat them.

After we went grocery shopping, you loved to “help” by going into the utility room and jumping on the washer and dryer to paw at the bag and get in them as Daddy loved on you and put stuff away. Then he would ball up the bags and shake them, thus, making you tear out of there and into the hallway to scratch your rug.

You loved trying to get in closets and cabinets. Daddy found you in a kitchen cabinet with your “brother.” Another time you were in the bathroom when Daddy was giving me a shower and we didn’t see you get in the bathroom closet until we heard meowing and weird sounds while I was in the shower and you were stuck in the closet.

You had your routines of asking for treats on a table and then you would make sure nobody was coming to steal them. Daddy called them “Secrets for cats” especially if your brother wasn’t awake. You loved your “Friskies” right up till the end when it was too painful for you to eat them. And you loved string treats and would do excited circles. You were the only one who could play with the kitty treat toy. Your “brothers” never got the hang of batting it around to get the treats out.

You loved getting up on Daddy’s chair and getting loving. You would play bite him and then give kisses. You loved having your neck rubbed after biting and kissing Daddy’s finger. You would look out the window. Then you would “assume the position” which meant Daddy would help you lay on his chest with your paws up by his neck. He would pet you. But you were a fire cat and didn’t stay long.

You also knew how to “be sweet.” Daddy would ask you “Can you be sweet?” He would put his face by you and you would usually kiss him on the nose. When you did this, Daddy would exclaim, “That was sweet!” Then he would pet you and let you bite and kiss his finger. You would kiss us all the time. Your little tongue was so rough as sandpaper! You kissed my nose and forehead about a week before you went over the rainbow bridge and I will cherish that memory forever!

After dinner you would get up and walk across the top of the couch to us. Daddy would have to Patches proof everything. You loved being petted and playing with him and I would have you smell my drink. The fur on your hind legs reminded us of “Ricky Ricardo pants” so when you would come down the side of the couch onto the arm of the couch, you would stretch your back legs and we would say, “you’re wearing your Ricky Ricardo pants.”

Another game you loved to play was “side to side.” You would get under the dining room chair and Daddy would reach down with both hands and touch you as you moved from side to side of the chair. You would play bite and give kisses. You also loved the smell of Daddy’s feet and slippers. You would kiss his bare ankles and feet. You would put your face in his slippers as well as lay on his socks.

You loved sleeping with me on the couch and in bed. YP would bug you sometimes but you were always with me. He would eventually lay down too. You loved to snuggle with me and even laid on my head and kiss my head. You would also sneeze on me.

You also loved the smell of clean hair. You would rub and snuggle with us. I love feeling the warmth and snuggles against my head and neck. How I now long for you to snuggle with me and walk on me.

You loved to wake me up some mornings by getting up on my pillow to mess with the blinds. I had to tell you no. You would also jump up between the beds with your brother and scare me to death.

You loved water. You would actually get in the sink and put your head under the water and just let it pour down your head. You both would get high up in the bathroom window to look out. If it was night, you would peak through the curtains to look at us.

You played fetch. One time we played with you guys so hard that you wouldn’t stop and finally started panting. You loved playing with light and you loved playing with toys that you would eventually destroy. In your later years you would be extremely vocal when playing. You were such a loud mouth.

Playing in boxes with Daddy rubbing his finger on the box to make sounds and you were get at the side and paw until Daddy’s hand was in your reach to playfully bat it and bite. We’d pretend to be packing you up and shipping you away. You loved every second.

You also loved to go in Daddy’s radio room and look around and get “scolded” like YP. You would meow and yowl when you wanted to go in there or somewhere else. Even when Daddy was getting my blanket ready for you to lay on me, you would meow yowl. Sometimes you would even yawn and meow.

Another thing that you would do is make sure Daddy followed you to get something to eat. You would excitedly trot back to your room and keep looking back to make sure that Daddy was coming.

You were inseparable from YP and you guys were often snuggled up together sleeping and grooming each other. YP would bug you in your blanket and we would have to scold him.

You loved watching the fall leaves and would scratch at the sliding glass door to try to “get them.”

I still feel bad for bringing in your second “brother” Samoset after YP went Home. After a year of pain, I just wanted a new life in the house. Despite trying to make sure that it would work out, Samoset has special needs and doesn’t understand cat behavior and language. This meant that you both ended up having separate rooms with equal time to be out in the house. I really think that if he had been a normal cat, you would have been able to co-exist because you tried and you would play with him under the bathroom door. I hope you weren’t too upset about having your final 6 years with having to spend time in the utility room. Thankfully, you seemed happy and well adjusted because you rarely complained about it and we had the routines set. Daddy came back there regularly and loved you and fed you what you wanted. You knew what bowl was for what food. You were a very social eater. You loved to have Daddy talk to you and say, “Snacks are good for cats. It’s good for cats to have some snackssssss.”

I miss you being in the window when we’d come home from places or even just sitting outside. You would look out and meow at us. You were one sweet little kitty.

At Christmas, when you were young, you would climb up the tree with YP! You would also sleep under the tree. Your favorite Christmas ornament was the old fashioned radio that plays different stations. You would meow and be right there when Daddy played it every night during the Christmas season.

I don’t know how to do this. We miss you already. Right now, the tears won’t stop coming. I have had to work on this obituary over the past month and the grief is still very bad. I had to get another toenail removed and I miss you being a nursing cat. You always knew when we weren’t well and would be even more involved in trying to help make us feel better. The mornings are so empty now that you don’t meet Daddy at the bedroom door and then come in to sleep with me.

Fly high and free with your brother and sister in Heaven! Please know that I’m so sorry that we couldn’t make you better. I’m so sorry for your horrible suffering. I don’t know if I will ever find peace about the way it all went down. I feel like I should have fought for you more to get the care you needed and deserved but I did the best I could as did Daddy. It was not supposed to happen this way and I wish that I had been wrong in feeling like you were going to die. I’m so sorry.

While I finally talked to the vet tech about how everything went with you, it seems likely that you had a brain tumor that grew extremely fast. Despite the fact that you were in so much horrible pain and went downhill so quickly, she assured me that you didn’t suffer too long. It gives me peace knowing that you probably wouldn’t have been able to recover no matter if you had gotten the x-rays. We would have had to let you go. But I am still haunted by your pain and passing so fast. I thought you had 1-2 more years with us because you were doing so well for your age and kidney disease.

We love you so much, Patches. I know you’re still spiritually here and in a different dimension. You will never be forgotten by us. We love you, Sweet Girl!

Love, Mommy, Daddy, and Samoset

Compassion is deeply lacking in this world today. So much hatred and anger. So much selfishness. As I move through this grief, again, people don’t understand that Patches wasn’t just a pet. She was a family member!

I’m terrified of how this world is going. Of how children are being taught to be hateful and selfish instead of kind and compassionate. I’m grateful to have found people who understand about grief and about Covid. Children deserve to be taught how to grieve and how to be empathetic to others no matter what.

In Patches’ honor, perhaps the people who are reading this could commit to being more compassionate and teaching their children to be the same.

July is Disability Pride Month

July 1, 2023July 1, 2023 Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

How many of you are aware that July is Disability Pride Month? I only found out a couple of years ago. We hear all about the different minority groups months and diseases, yet, we don’t hear about the disabled unless we know someone who’s disabled or loves someone with a disability. Disabilities affect more people than we realize, and yet, we are still ignored for the most part.

I don’t think I have ever felt ashamed of my cerebral palsy. Yes, I have wished that I didn’t have it at times, but I don’t focus on it. Unfortunately, I have felt shame vibes at times from my family, not from my grandpa though. I do get self-conscious at times despite giving the air of confidence.

In fact, I will be honest about my intense anxiety about my book coming out because it has become a totally different world from when I first wrote it. I’m wanting to get out there with my book but I have to still worry about Covid in a society that is so quick to move on and accept that the vulnerable people may still be hospitalized or die from it. I’m afraid of all the eugenics going on in the world right now, especially the right wing cult…But the fact that even the people who used to take precautions against Covid have stopped is unknowingly spreading the eugenics. Why? Because people who are afraid of what the virus may do to our already unique bodies are even more left behind by society. Yet, I listen to the Calm app and I focus on what I have to do to protect myself from the hate as well as find people who are willing to work with me for in-person events. If people are not willing to mask and work with me, then they don’t deserve to meet me.

I believe that I have to keep educating people about disability. We need to put disability in the foreground because all the rights that are being seriously threatened by the right wing are just a preclude for more disability rights and help being taken away too. I challenge you to look into disability history. I challenge you to see how much adaptive equipment for the disabled costs. It’s not easy to get the help we need.

My cerebral palsy is a part of me. I’m proud of myself for fighting through all the battles I have fought and will continue to fight until I die. I’m disabled and I am proud to be who I am and see things that others are too busy to stop and see.

5 Ways To Instill Kindness In Children

November 13, 2022November 14, 2022 Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

The night I wrote the following post was World Kindness Day. There’s so much hate going on in the world that we must commit to instilling kindness in our children for a better future. I am truly afraid of what the world will become if kindness and compassion don’t prevail.

1) Be kind yourself.

Children are constantly watching us from the moment they are born even when we don’t think they are. Let them see you open the door for people, smiling at all kinds of people, giving to people in need. Also, be kind to your children and apologize when you are unkind. We are all human beings that make mistakes.

2) Affirm acts of kindness.

When the baby hands you something, smile at him/her and thank the baby. Tell the baby how kind he/she is. Point out when your child does something kind without being asked such as, cleaning up, helping a sibling, or helping friends. Tell children how their kindness affects people even if it’s something small. For example, “Your sister looked so happy when you gave her your toy to play with.” The more you affirm kindness, the more children will continue to be kind.

3) Regularly participate in events that help people and animals.

Take your children shopping for other children. Donate to different causes. Go help at your local animal shelters. By participating in different events and fundraisers, you allow children to give back to others that need help. This also teaches gratitude for what they have.

4) Teach children about people who are different.

This is so critical for instilling kindness in children. Teach and expose them to all different races and ethnicities, LBGTQ+, people with disabilities. We must understand that all people are equal and they deserve kindness. The more children are taught to accept and embrace different people, the more likely that they will help these people and stick up for them instead of bullying and oppressing them.

5) Teach mindfulness to help them regulate their emotions.

Children, especially young children, have a hard time regulating their emotions, so it’s up to us to help them learn how to regulate them. We do this by naming the emotions that they are experiencing. For example, “You’re really angry. Let me help you. Here’s a pillow to kick.” Also, help the child to take some big breaths in and out. Doing a calming visual can also help calm the children down so you can teach them how to do better once they are calm and able to really hear you.

Children deserve kindness no matter what. This world is getting worse and worse because the media, especially social media, are fueling hate. I highly recommend limiting your time on social media. We can fight back by being kind and teaching kindness every day.

Where are you Christmas?

December 24, 2021 Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

5195AA8C-34A1-4223-A278-6D7A4A9EA595
With the pandemic still raging on and the new variant, it feels like it will never end. Children ages 5-11 are, as of this writing, finally able to get vaccinated against Covid. Sadly, the same arguments are continuing and getting worse from the anti-mask and anti-vaxxers crowd. They are not able to think about the common good. I have lost all hope for humanity. I guess this could be a product of generations of spanking as research has shown that corporal punishment can have a negative impact on the development of empathy in children.

The world is in disarray and we’re all tired of it. The children are stuck in the middle of the arguments, and are being fueled by the adults to act out. I am only getting glimpses of the true Christmas spirit.

In fact, I keep hearing the toxic message from Christians that “this is from ‘God'” and that “God will spare the righteous.” It is so sad that they don’t understand that this is not from God. Children have died from Covid. Devout Christians are dying from Covid. Jesus never intended for all of this confusion and toxic teachings from the church.

Spirituality is so simple and we weren’t supposed to know it all. Jesus was trying to teach so much more, but because our human minds are so limited and prone to boxing everything up, and man’s desire to control people who are different from them, has led to religion being toxic and oppressive instead of promoting true spiritual freedom. And it’s ruined love for one another. I just feel so bad for humanity; we’re truly stuck in hell of our own making.

We’re losing so much with this pandemic. Grief is horrible for many people this year again. I know it’s pretty bad for me.

My message to everyone is to grieve together, and think of other people more than ourselves. Seek truth, Science, compassion, and true love. May children stay safe and learn true empathy. Or, may we learn it from them! Peace and love through the holidays!

28DCF451-A129-4EBB-86A0-23E4FA3EBCAF

20 Years Ago

September 11, 2021 Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

Twenty years ago I was about to turn 20-years-old and a college student. I was newly engaged and my now husband was my personal aide in school. The 9/11 attacks happened while we were on the way to school that morning. We had no idea what happened until we walked into the office where I was allowed to get extra time to get my homework done due to my severe cerebral palsy. Everyone was quiet and in shock. My tutor asked if we had heard what happened and we said no. She told us and led us to the television. We watched in shock as the towers were on fire and eventually fell. It felt like I was watching a movie. I didn’t know how to process it and trying to get my work done was stressful.

As time went on and I watched it all unfold, I got emotional. And my birthday 48 hours later was somber despite my turning twenty. Everything was somber for a while and the skies were so quiet from the airplanes being grounded. We didn’t know what was going to happen next. It was a very hard and scary time. My husband’s friend from grade school was one of the casualties of that day.

But what I remember most, except for a few conspiracy theorists who were ignorant, and still are, about the attacks, the country actually came together. People were kinder. Drivers had more empathy for each other. Definitely a total contrast from today’s current reaction to the pandemic.

Children got comforted and observed the adults coming together to help each other deal with the trauma. Oh how I long for that type of empathy and compassion again. Social media is probably going to be the destroyer of the world since it allows people to become even more ingrained in their beliefs and argue with everyone. It is now spilling over into the real world.

Tennessee teen talking about grandma who died of Covid heckled by adults at school board meeting.

DD2E6DA5-3A85-4DC8-B6DC-90794EA8121F

“Let The Children BREATHE!”

August 23, 2021 Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

As Covid is raging on and affecting our children more due to the virus mutating and “learning” how to infect yet even more vulnerable people, once again we hear parents who don’t care about the well-being of their children or others scream, “Let the children breathe!” Some states have enacted laws banning schools from mandating masks. Thankfully, an increasing number of school districts are defying those states’ laws that ban mask mandates in schools. Here’s what is already happening as children are back to school full time.

And some schools have already had to go remote due to Covid. Children are being hospitalized at higher rates as the Delta variant is ravaging the country and world. The very people who are supposed to protect them are arguing about masks being mandated and are even getting violent over it.

As of this writing, children are not yet eligible for the vaccine if they are under twelve years of age in the United States, and yet, after over a year and a half of this pandemic, people refuse to accept the fact that this pandemic is dangerous and deadly. Some people may get lucky and have a mild case, but not everyone is that lucky. Look at the hospitals and talk to the healthcare workers.

1E8373B4-7953-4FEE-9B5A-C4104BBBE80B

It turns out that children are more accepting of wearing masks than adults. The adults are, sadly, teaching aggression and selfishness by fighting (sometimes literally) over masks, vaccines, and other mitigations to try to stop the virus. This is the wrong direction for all of us. We need to stop politicizing the health crisis and come together. Our children need to see us caring enough about our fellow man that we wear masks and get vaccinated if possible. Otherwise, this world will never be healed.

People talk about selfishness all the time, especially when it comes to raising children and not wanting the children to become “selfish little brats.” However, the parents who are arguing about wearing masks as well as getting vaccinated and protesting against mask/vaccine mandates are teaching the children how to throw a “fit” and be “defiant” to get their own way. These parents, ironically, tend to be pro-spankers. It is so sad that their children are getting spanked/hit for similar behavior that goes against the parents’ wishes. This makes no sense. We have to model appropriate behavior for children. They are mimicking us!

0B2C06D9-AAA0-4436-8420-41C2AD224335

Another thing is that as soon as infants are able to get into dangerous situations, we teach them about danger. An infant doesn’t know that an electrical socket is dangerous, but we tell him/her it is and move him/her away from the outlet. Young children can’t see the danger of running out in the street until we panic and scoop them up out of the street while saying, “DANGEROUS!” There are so many dangerous things from which we have to protect children. They must take our word for it or suffer possible horrific consequences. It is just the same for Covid. Just because we can’t SEE the virus floating around in the air, does not mean it’s not dangerous!

E7104E55-209E-43C7-9CC3-77F787D4FDCC

We need to step up and do what is right for the whole world instead of the individual. We must protect our children and everyone else by looking beyond our own wants to the needs of our society. Let the children breathe.

4161550E-62BA-4363-B848-530AAF33FE42

Where’s The Empathy?

August 27, 2020 Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

As we continue to deal with this COVID-19 pandemic, the lack of empathy is so apparent in this country. People not wanting to do the simplest things to protect others from the virus. Anti-maskers are shouting about their rights and, ironically, they are using the pro-choice slogan, “My body, my right.” This totally disregards the lives of others. If one is truly pro-life, one cares about the life way after birth! Otherwise, it’s just pro-birth!

Empathy is the ability to put yourself in another’s shoes to understand as much as possible in order to try to understand what the other person is feeling or going through. One can feel the same feelings as the other person or at least get an idea of what the other person is going through.

Empathy is a learned behavior. While some children are born with more empathy than others, infants, toddlers, and preschoolers are naturally egocentric due to their developmental stage. This is a survival mechanism and not a “bad thing.” Adults can help the development of empathy by modeling it to their children and pointing out feelings of others—whether positive or negative.

DF42CDF4-781E-4CDA-BE65-C58AF03FCA9A — Source unknown. I got it off Facebook.

Not spanking/hitting or using other harsh punishment with children also promotes the development of empathy in children. Not using aggression to get what one wants teaches children to respect other people and have empathy. Corporal punishment and using other harsh punishment only breeds fear and anger. These make children turn inward in a negative manner instead of being open to other people and what they are going through.

7F75E53D-E3DA-4ACC-AC6D-7931A730A5AD

I talked a bit about helping children understand about COVID-19 in my previous post, but here’s a great book written by a teacher that helps further explain this highly contagious, dangerous, damaging, and deadly virus in a developmentally appropriate way. If you are one who is not taking this seriously, please read this story!

While places are now opened and the topic of going back to school rages on, and schools are opening only to have cases of COVID-19 the first week of school, the numbers of positive cases continues to rise. I am truly saddened by the fact that this health crisis has become political and empathy for people who are high risk, children, teachers, healthcare workers seems to be going by the wayside. Except for the rare medical appointment and the fact that my chosen family owns a private tattoo shop and keeps people out while I am there, my quarantine hasn’t ended. I try to wear a mask but it falls down because of spasms due to my severe cerebral palsy. Anti-maskers laugh that I am not able to be in public because too many people are worried about their own comfort and rights to have empathy for those who can’t wear a mask and/or are high risk. What a horrible example they are setting for our children.

As an early childhood professional, I don’t recommend children going back to school until this virus is under control. I know it’s hard for poor families and I worry about social-emotional development of the children, but we have to realize that even if children are less likely to get seriously ill, some are going to get seriously ill or get the inflammatory disease that kills them. Not to mention bringing it home to the family and then we don’t know who will get mild symptoms and who will be hospitalized and on a ventilator.

C311ECEA-B21A-47A9-B345-A5D726580E98

I am so grateful for everyone who is wearing masks and protecting people like me who can’t wear masks easily and then the health care workers busting their butts to fight this pandemic.

620F7157-70BA-498A-8F35-4407405CC073

Children who are old enough to wear a mask in public should! While some children will have an easier time adjusting to wearing a mask, it is possible to help them with it.

Here are some things that we can do to help children adjust to wearing a mask:

Always wear a mask yourself when out in public. Actions speak louder than words!

Educate them about how masks help protect others and them. If they like superheroes, compare them to being a superhero for wearing masks because superheroes always protect others from dangerous situations. There are some wonderful children’s books to read to them to further encourage them to wear a mask in public. I recommend this book.

Start with short periods of time wearing a mask and do a fun activity to help distract them from the mask.

Let the child pick out a few masks and/or let him/her decorate one so he/she wants to wear it.

Try different masks for the most comfortable one for the child.

Validate feelings about wearing a mask and tell the child that it is uncomfortable sometimes but it is the only way to go anywhere.

Keep little hands busy so they don’t constantly touch the mask.

Always have extra masks on hand or in the children’s backpacks because they are going to drop, throw, spill, forget masks so they need extras on them whenever they are in public. Also, keep hand sanitizer with you and/or them for washing their hands.

Make up a silly song to sing such as, “This is the way we wear our masks” to the tune of Farmer Brown.

Turn mask wearing into a game to see who can keep theirs on the longest.

Use mirrors in the car to have everyone put them on at the same time.

If for any reason the child has a meltdown and refuses to wear the mask when you get to have a destination and you have to go in, take some deep breaths, make sure that the child doesn’t have an unmet need, the mask isn’t pinching or hurting him/her, and carry the child in if it isn’t possible to have someone bring stuff out to you.

Never make wearing a mask into a power struggle. This will make the child want to wear it even less. If the child is showing you that he/she is not ready for a mask, make sure that he/she knows that going out is not an option without a mask.

This is a very uncertain time for everyone. We are all extremely stressed and anxious and children are no exception. Regression during times of extreme upheaval and stress is normal for children, so try to hold space for it and your own feelings.

The only way we will get through this pandemic is to have empathy for each other and do what we need to do to stop the spread of the virus. We can do this TOGETHER!!!!

EC33DBC8-1AAE-4C10-9744-6D0C4078671B

Love Should Always Triumph Over Manipulation

May 22, 2017 Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

Processed with MOLDIV

I recently heard something similar to this quote, “Love should always triumph over manipulation,” on a television show and it spoke to me. Unfortunately, manipulation triumphs more than love does in the parent-child relationship.

It’s not always a conscious thing, though, sometimes it is. We unknowingly usually start manipulating children at birth by not respecting their bodies and feelings. We force them to do things that their bodies are not yet ready to do such as “tummy time” or propping them up. This is so uncomfortable.

We make them stand before they can. We try to quiet their cries by shushing them, distracting them with a toy in front of their faces, and/or leave them to cry-it-out.

As they grow, we try to force our own agendas onto them even more. When they are acting their ages or doing something that is developmentally appropriate, we punish them. We spank/hit, give time-outs, and arbitrarily take things away.

This is all manipulation. Young children are often accused of trying to manipulate their parents but they are not able to think that far ahead. They’re always in the present. People who tell parents that children manipulate are usually extremely manipulative.

This can continue into adulthood. But love should triumph over manipulation. Love should think of the other person and do what is best for them. This does not mean letting people of any age walk all over us! It should mean putting others first as God wants us to do.

True love accepts all, puts others first, tries not to hurt people, tries to have empathy, and gently corrects when appropriate.

I don’t know who’s quote this is but it is spot on!

Sticks And Stones May Break My Bones But Words Will Never Hurt Me, Huh?

September 6, 2016September 6, 2016 Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed1 Comment

We’ve all heard the saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” We probably have said it as children, but is it true? For me, it is not true at all.

In fact, this is not true for many people. Words have power. The Bible even acknowledges that words have power and we need to choose our words carefully. Let’s look at some of these verses:

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits” (Proverbs 18:21, ESV).

“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Ephesians 4:29, ESV).

“But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person” (Matthew 15:18, ESV).

“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1, ESV).

“Whoever belittles his neighbor lacks sense, but a man of understanding remains silent” (Proverbs 11:12, ESV).

As we can see, words have the power to build people up or tear them down. And sometimes words hurt more than being hit, though that is never an excuse to spank/hit a child.

I was verbally abused by my dad and my high school personal assistant. Even though I was able to rise above it with the help of the Lord and my husband, I still struggle with not feeling good enough or not believing in myself. I beat myself up a lot in my head. I take things very personally. I hate making mistakes because I best myself so much.

In this technological-advanced age, there is a horrible trend of shaming children online. So not only are parents saying that their children are “bad,” “brats,” “disrespectful,” and “crybabies” to their faces, they’re posting it for the whole world to see. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain and embarrassment these children feel or will feel when they see the world looking at their mistakes and applauding their parents for “putting them in their place.”

It’s hard enough being shamed and put down privately. The messages that we put into children’s heads become their inner voices. They start to believe that they are “bad,” “sinful,” and “ungrateful.” Putting children down only tears them down. And it begins in infancy. Infants hear our tone and read our body language to understand us. And most infants begin to understand words before they ever start talking.

Therefore, telling an infant to “shut up,” calling him/her a “brat,” and saying things like “you’re gross” will make them internalize these messages. And of course, treating infants like we don’t want to be with them also sends the message that they are “burdens.”

Sometimes shaming is used to threaten the child before physical punishment is administered. Some parents who may not use physical punishment with their children, but believe that children deserve some type of punishment, use shaming to control their children’s behavior. Many Christians tend to tell children that they have “sinned” against God. This does nothing but lead to worldly sorrow.

Shaming and punishment leads to worldly sorrow as the child focuses on stopping his/her own pain. The child may appear to have self control after receiving regular punishment and shaming, but it’s actually self-preservation to avoid pain. Discipline, however, teaches godly sorrow and true self-control because discipline teaches empathy for others. There may be pain as a byproduct of discipline due to the discovery of hurting another and God, but pain is NEVER inflicted on the child by an adult. This allows for true self-control as the child learns from natural consequences and gains empathy. Godly sorrow makes the child truly want to repent and make things right. And it’s important to remember that self-control develops very, very slowly in children.

Now, I am not saying that we shouldn’t correct our children. We should do so in a way that doesn’t shame them. Pointing out how their behavior affected another person and empathizing with him/her will allow the child to calm down and eventually see that he/she hurt his/her friend which will lead the child to true sorrow.

For example, if 4-year-old Billy hits Sarah, we make sure Sarah is ok and then talk to Billy about his behavior and why he hit.

Adult: “Billy, you hit Sarah. I know you were angry but it’s never okay to hit people.”

Billy: “But she wouldn’t let me have a turn with the ball.”

Adult: “Yes, I can see why you got angry. But you cannot hit.”

Billy: “But I really wanted to play with the ball. She wouldn’t let me.”

Adult: “It’s hard to control our impulses when we’re angry. Did you try to use your words?”

Billy: “I asked her over and over for a turn and she said ‘no’ all the time.”

Adult: “Ok, but when she kept telling you no, you hit her. What happened when you hit her?

Billy: “She started crying.”

Adult: “Yes, she cried because hitting hurts. And now nobody is playing with the ball because you’re both upset. What can we do to fix this?”

Billy: “I shouldn’t have hit her. I will go say sorry.”

Billy goes to Sarah and apologizes all on his own. They talk and begin playing together.

There was no need for shaming or punishment. Billy just needed help getting his brain to calm down enough to realize that he hurt his friend. The adult remained calm and empathetic to Billy. The natural consequence for Billy’s behavior was that Sarah was hurt and cried when he hit her. Of course, some children will take longer to calm down and realize they hurt someone. This is all based on the development of the child and how that child is treated.

The more we tear down children, the harder it is for them to learn empathy. If you’re always in self-preservation mode, you can’t see past your own pain. And sometimes people that have been so torn down may actually take the opposite approach by becoming bullies. Children and adults who feel badly about themselves can sometimes gain “power” by hurting others. Not all people beat themselves up. Rather, they take their pain out on others.

We can discipline children without shaming them and putting them down. Let’s build them up so that they can build others up. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words DO HURT ME.