Tag: spanking

Spanking and Cults

Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

I recently read an article about a family that were Fundamental Christians who graduated from Bob Jones University and were working there as well. At the university, students and staff are required to use their medical facility as well as enroll their children into the child care facility on campus. The article goes on to explain how the university requires parents to use the horrible book, in my professional opinion, Baby Wise by Gary Ezzo.

Baby Wise teaches parents to ignore their instincts and not give their infants the responsive care that they need to thrive. According to the book, “healthy, full-term babies are born with the capacity to achieve 7-8 hours of continuous nighttime sleep between seven and ten weeks of age and 10 to 12 hours of sleep by twelve weeks of age.”
― Gary Ezzo

This is not the case. “Generally, newborns sleep about 8 to 9 hours in the daytime and about 8 hours at night. But they may not sleep more than 1 to 2 hours at a time. Most babies don’t start sleeping through the night (6 to 8 hours) without waking until they are about 3 months old, or until they weigh 12 to 13 pounds. About two-thirds of babies are able to sleep through the night on a regular basis by age 6 months” (Stanford Medicine. (2023). https://www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=infant-sleep-90-P02237#:~:text=Most%20babies%20don%27t%20start,basis%20by%20age%206%20months.).

Ezzo tells parents to allow their newborn children to only be fed every three hours and to let their babies cry-it-out for long periods of time to keep them “on schedule.” This can lead to dehydration and failure to thrive. Not to mention that it will harm the attachment between the parents and child.

Bob Jones University also requires that all parents attending or working at the university to allow their children to be spanked/hit at the child care facility on campus. When the above mentioned parents refused to allow their son to be spanked/hit by the child care staff, they were fired. This is when they really got away from fundamental Christianity. This church, as well as many evangelical churches, believe that children are to be “broken” by harsh punishment and extremely strict parenting. Children are not allowed to feel how they feel or to question anything. To do so would incur certain corporal punishment.

As I was reading the article about the couple, the following quote really got me thinking about how the conservative right wing has become a true cult:

“I have no regrets about resisting the pain-driven ideology at Bob Jones University. This practice is exactly why evangelicals vote for authoritarian political candidates like the Donald Trump. They are all that little boy who has to be a limp noodle in front of thousands of approving limp noodles.”

When children are taught that they don’t matter, it makes them more likely to accept a cult since that is how they were raised. They take “comfort” in the control. The children want to belong to the family and group. They are often told that their questions are “evil.” Only the strongest people can break away from this system of thinking. “As Whitsett and Kent noted, ‘In many cultic situations, however, where children receive punishment for questioning adults (not to mention leaders), they quickly learn to suppress autonomous thinking. As a consequence, children’s cognitive development is stunted'” (2003, p. 497). (https://www.icsahome.com/articles/what-impact-do-cults-have-on-children).

Children in authoritarian homes are often isolated from society. They are taught that the outside society is evil. They endure regular spankings, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, and in some cases, even sexual abuse. This always leaves a huge mark on these children. They don’t know who they are outside of their families and their churches. I know many people who have escaped from abusive church cults that are fundamentalist or conservative evangelical. All of them have PTSD, C-PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Yes, they are now being their true selves but still have to deal with the trauma of it all.

I truly believe that I am seeing a definite correlation between the fundamental and evangelical beliefs of total control of people, especially children, and the recent upsurge of cult behavior by people who love Trump and anyone on the right that has a fundamental/evangelical belief background. They are doubling down on trying to force themselves on everyone else. They are persecuting people who are different from themselves. They are desperate for control over the country. And it all begins when a child is born into a family who has these very extreme religious and political beliefs. Teaching the child that his/her own feelings, beliefs, and self must be suppressed in order to obey the group that is in charge—even if it’s “just Mom and Dad.”

As I have written many times throughout my blog posts, authoritarian parenting is harmful to children. “Authoritarian parents are not very emotional or affectionate, and critical of their children if they fail to meet their expectations. Rules should always be used to conduct behavior that is desired. When a child breaks a rule, it should be an opportunity to teach a life lesson and not be punished because they didn’t follow the rules. Unfortunately, strong punishment leads to more misbehavior, rebellion and results in constant power struggles.” (Trautner, 2017, https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/authoritarian_parenting_style#:~:text=The%20negative%20side%20effects%20to,figures%20when%20they%20are%20older ).

May we, as a society, wake up to what is going on in our world and understand that the way we treat children will dictate what what type of society in which we live. In addition, unless we can stop some of these major cults by using gentle parenting as well as exposing the cults for what they are, we will become an authoritarian nation instead of a democracy. Rather than treating our children harshly, thus, making them more vulnerable to cults, authoritarianism, and narcissism. May we respect our children. Don’t hurt them. It’s up to us. Do we want a peaceful as possible world or this divided, authoritarian, warring world? It’s literally in our hands whether we use our hands for love or for pain.

Laughing

Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

I love this quote especially with the current state of the world. I know that I write a great deal about empathy and compassion. I am seeing, and experiencing, less and less empathy. On social media, there’s more “laughing” than there used to be. For example, any public post about Covid including stories about people who had it and had to be hospitalized are laughed at.

I am also coming across people laughing at other people’s trauma from being abused and spanked/hit in childhood. It seems to me that the world has become much more inconsiderate of others. I wrote a post a few years ago about how I truly believe that technology is playing a role in the desensitization of suffering.

As a child advocate, I am all too familiar with the hate and insults I get from people who believe that spanking/hitting, harsh punishment, and cry-it-out are “necessary” for raising “great” people. However, I’m not as familiar with this whole concept of laughing at other people’s stories about their very real pain. I don’t understand why this is happening. I am afraid that the conservative cult is definitely behind it.

Our children are watching everything and listening to everything. We’re trying to fight and stop bullying, but we are seeing adults being the bullies. They bully their children into doing what they want. They bully people like me who refuse to stop speaking up for the most vulnerable in society. I don’t want to live in a world where it’s acceptable for people to be bullied for their pain and fear. It’s not okay; if you believe in Jesus, it’s not what He taught.

This makes me truly afraid of the future and the children growing up with those parents who are laughing at suffering. Those people who are laughing at suffering are sadistic and that’s scary. What kind of world are we headed for if so many are laughing at suffering instead of helping people and protecting people?

This is what Jesus taught:

“I am giving you a new commandment, that you love one another; just as I have loved you, that you also love one another.”

John 13:34, (NASB).

Do we really want to teach children that it’s ok to laugh at suffering of any kind? Do we really want to teach children that they can walk all over people who are hurting and/or scared? Do we really want to live in a society that doesn’t protect the vulnerable?

At the rate we’re going, that world is becoming too much of a reality and it’s not going to end well for humanity!

Where are you Christmas?

Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

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With the pandemic still raging on and the new variant, it feels like it will never end.  Children ages 5-11 are, as of this writing, finally able to get vaccinated against Covid.  Sadly, the same arguments are continuing and getting worse from the anti-mask and anti-vaxxers crowd.   They are not able to think about the common good.  I have lost all hope for humanity.  I guess this could be a product of generations of spanking as research has shown that corporal punishment can have a negative impact on the development of empathy in children.

The world is in disarray and we’re all tired of it.  The children are stuck in the middle of the arguments, and are being fueled by the adults to act out. I am only getting glimpses of the true Christmas spirit.

In fact, I keep hearing the toxic message from Christians that “this is from ‘God'” and that “God will spare the righteous.”  It is so sad that they don’t understand that this is not from God.  Children have died from Covid.  Devout Christians are dying from Covid.  Jesus never intended for all of this confusion and toxic teachings from the church.

Spirituality is so simple and we weren’t supposed to know it all. Jesus was trying to teach so much more, but because our human minds are so limited and prone to boxing everything up, and man’s desire to control people who are different from them, has led to religion being toxic and oppressive instead of promoting true spiritual freedom. And it’s ruined love for one another. I just feel so bad for humanity; we’re truly stuck in hell of our own making.

We’re losing so much with this pandemic. Grief is horrible for many people this year again.  I know it’s pretty bad for me.

My message to everyone is to grieve together, and think of other people more than ourselves. Seek truth, Science, compassion, and true love.  May children stay safe and learn true empathy.  Or, may we learn it from them!  Peace and love through the holidays!

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“Let The Children BREATHE!”

Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

As Covid is raging on and affecting our children more due to the virus mutating and “learning” how to infect yet even more vulnerable people, once again we hear parents who don’t care about the well-being of their children or others scream, “Let the children breathe!”  Some states have enacted  laws banning schools from mandating masks.  Thankfully,  an increasing number of school districts are defying those states’ laws that ban mask mandates in schools.   Here’s what is already happening as children are back to school full time.

And some schools have already had to go remote due to Covid.  Children are being hospitalized at higher rates as the Delta variant is ravaging the country and world.  The very people who are supposed to protect them are arguing about masks being mandated and are even getting violent over it.

As of this writing, children are not yet eligible for the vaccine if they are under twelve years of age in the United States, and yet, after over a year and a half of this pandemic, people refuse to accept the fact that this pandemic is dangerous and deadly.  Some people may get lucky and have a mild case, but not everyone is that lucky.  Look at the hospitals and talk to the healthcare workers.

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It turns out that children are more accepting of  wearing masks than adults.  The adults are, sadly, teaching aggression and selfishness by fighting (sometimes literally) over masks, vaccines, and other mitigations to try to stop the virus.  This is the wrong direction for all of us.  We need to stop politicizing the health crisis and come together.  Our children need to see us caring enough about our fellow man that we wear masks and get vaccinated if possible.  Otherwise, this world will never be healed.  

People talk about selfishness all the time, especially when it comes to raising children and not wanting the children  to become “selfish little brats.”  However, the parents who are arguing about wearing masks as well as getting vaccinated and protesting against mask/vaccine mandates are teaching the children how to throw a “fit” and be “defiant” to get their own way.  These parents, ironically, tend to be pro-spankers.  It is so sad that their children are getting spanked/hit for similar behavior that goes against the parents’ wishes.  This makes no sense.  We have to model appropriate behavior for children.  They are mimicking us!

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Another thing is that as soon as infants are able to get into dangerous situations, we teach them about danger.  An infant doesn’t know that an electrical socket is dangerous, but we tell him/her it is and move him/her away from the outlet.  Young children can’t see the danger of running out in the street until we panic and scoop them up out of the street while saying, “DANGEROUS!”  There are so many dangerous things from which we have to protect children.  They must take our word for it or suffer possible horrific consequences.  It is just the same for Covid.  Just because we can’t SEE the virus floating around in the air, does not mean it’s not dangerous!

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We need to step up and do what is right for the whole world instead of the individual.  We must protect our children and everyone else by looking beyond our own wants to the needs of our society.  Let the children breathe.

 

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Where’s The Empathy?

Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

As we continue to deal with this COVID-19 pandemic, the lack of empathy is so apparent in this country.  People not wanting to do the simplest things to protect others from the virus.  Anti-maskers are shouting about their rights and, ironically, they are using the pro-choice slogan, “My body, my right.”  This totally disregards the lives of others.  If one is truly pro-life, one cares about the life way after birth!  Otherwise, it’s just pro-birth!

Empathy is the ability to put yourself in another’s shoes to understand as much as possible in order to try to understand what the other person is feeling or going through.  One can feel the same feelings as the other person or at least get an idea of what the other person is going through.

Empathy is a learned behavior.  While some children are born with more empathy than others, infants, toddlers, and preschoolers are naturally egocentric due to their developmental stage.  This is a survival mechanism and not a “bad thing.”  Adults can help the development of empathy by modeling it to their children and pointing out feelings of others—whether positive or negative.

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Source unknown. I got it off Facebook.

Not spanking/hitting or using other harsh punishment with children also promotes the development of empathy in children.  Not using aggression to get what one wants teaches children to respect other people and have empathy.  Corporal punishment and using other harsh punishment only breeds fear and anger.  These make children turn inward in a negative manner instead of being open to other people and what they are going through.

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I talked a bit about helping children understand about COVID-19 in my previous post, but here’s a great book written by a teacher that helps further explain this highly contagious, dangerous, damaging, and deadly virus in a developmentally appropriate way.  If you are one who is not taking this seriously, please read this story!

While places are now opened and the topic of going back to school rages on, and schools are opening only to have cases of COVID-19 the first week of school, the numbers of positive cases continues to rise.  I am truly saddened by the fact that this health crisis has become political and empathy for people who are high risk, children, teachers, healthcare workers seems to be going by the wayside.  Except for the rare medical appointment and the fact that my chosen family owns a private tattoo shop and keeps people out while I am there, my quarantine hasn’t ended.  I try to wear a mask but it falls down because of spasms due to my severe cerebral palsy.  Anti-maskers laugh that I am not able to be in public because too many people are worried about their own comfort and rights to have empathy for those who can’t wear a mask and/or are high risk.  What a horrible example they are setting for our children.

As an early childhood professional,  I don’t recommend children going back to school until this virus is under control.    I know it’s hard for poor families and I worry about social-emotional development of the children, but we have to realize that even if children are less likely to get seriously ill,  some are going to get seriously ill or get the inflammatory disease that kills them.   Not to mention bringing it home to the family and then we don’t know who will get mild symptoms and who will be hospitalized and on a ventilator.

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I am so grateful  for everyone who is wearing masks and protecting people like me who can’t wear masks easily and then the health care workers busting their butts to fight this pandemic.

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Children who are old enough to wear a mask in public should!  While some children will have an easier time adjusting to wearing a mask, it is possible to help them with it.

Here are some things that we can do to help children adjust to wearing a mask:

Always wear a mask yourself when out in public.  Actions speak louder than words!

Educate them about how masks help protect others and them.  If they like superheroes, compare them to being a superhero for wearing masks because superheroes always protect others from dangerous situations.  There are some wonderful children’s books to read to them to further encourage them to wear a mask in public.   I recommend this book.

Start with short periods of time wearing a mask and do a fun activity to help distract them from the mask.

Let the child pick out a few masks and/or let him/her decorate one so he/she wants to wear it.

Try different masks for the most comfortable one for the child.

Validate feelings about wearing a mask and tell the child that it is uncomfortable sometimes but it is the only way to go anywhere.

Keep little hands busy so they don’t constantly touch the mask.

Always have extra masks on hand or in the children’s backpacks because they are going to drop, throw, spill, forget masks so they need extras on them whenever they are in public.  Also, keep hand sanitizer with you and/or them for washing their hands.

Make up a silly song to sing such as, “This is the way we wear our masks” to the tune of Farmer Brown.

Turn mask wearing into a game to see who can keep theirs on the longest.

Use mirrors in the car to have everyone put them on at the same time.

If for any reason the child has a meltdown and refuses to wear the mask when you get to have a destination and you have to go in, take some deep breaths, make sure that the child doesn’t have an unmet need, the mask isn’t pinching or hurting him/her,  and carry the child in if it isn’t possible to have someone bring stuff out to you.  

Never make wearing a mask into a power struggle.  This will make the child want to wear it even less.  If the child is showing you that he/she is not ready for a mask, make sure that he/she knows that going out is not an option without a mask.

This is a very uncertain time for everyone.  We are all extremely stressed and anxious and children are no exception.  Regression during times of extreme upheaval and stress is normal for children, so try to hold space for it and your own feelings.

The only way we will get through this pandemic is to have empathy for each other and do what we need to do to stop the spread of the virus.  We can do this TOGETHER!!!!

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Jesus Hates Religion. Spirituality vs. Religon.

Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed2 Comments

Note: Life has a funny way of taking over.  I started writing this post in December and am just now finishing it.  Thank you so much for your patience.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas or whatever holiday you celebrate.  Happy New Year!  I am writing this post because I no longer consider myself a religious person even though I still believe in Jesus.  However, my belief is no longer the traditional religious belief that mainstream Christianity makes Him out to be.  I am incorporating other spiritual beliefs in my belief system and I am open to everything.  Feel free to read Why I Am No Longer An Evangelical Christian. Plus, Drag Queens And Kings Are Cool!

I recently shared this meme on my professional Facebook page and I got one nice lady who ended up being a joy to talk to because she tried to use Non-Violent Communication principles.  We both admitted to being not perfect and struggling with it.  We’re both open to learning.  I love people like that because another “Christian” called me a “hypocrite” for sharing this meme and then wishing my Jewish friends a “Happy Hanukkah.”  She was swiftly blocked and banned because I have been called so many names that I absolutely will not tolerate it.  But her comment proves that this is right in many instances.  Then there are people that just want to argue just to argue.

Here’s the meme:

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I agree with this because religion does brainwash people of every age, makes people angry (How many wars have been fought over religion?), and promotes a “better than thou” attitude.  Believe me, I was a part of this for a decade and a half and used to gasp with disgust or surprise when a fellow believer would do something against the religious teachings of the church.  We’re supposed to be humble but instead we look down on people who don’t believe what we do.  It’s disgusting and sad, really.

Not all religious people are like this.  But some just blindly follow whatever the established organized religion teaches. Much of the Christian church doctrine is toxic with a bit of love and compassion occasionally sprinkled in.  For children, more of the doctrine is spiritual abuse because even though I still believe that children are created to believe in Jesus and/or a Higher Power, when they are allowed to freely explore, they can create a positive belief system.  Unfortunately, many children aren’t given that freedom and are taught that they are inherently evil (which I rejected after much research) and are told to obey or else they’ll get spanked or go to Hell.

Telling children the above is spiritual and emotional abuse.  It’s not ok.  One of my best friends experienced this as a child and now rejects religion but is still a spiritual person.

I, too, cannot support religious doctrine.  I consider myself a spiritual person even though I still believe in Jesus. I am using other spiritual beliefs to create a positive spiritual belief system because when we open our consciousness, we see that there’s so much we don’t know and that doctrine often doesn’t add up to what we experience.  Plus, trying to have enough faith to be approved by whatever God you’re trying to please isn’t easy and makes one feel like a failure.  Also, fear is often a huge part of many religions instead of love!  After all, many religious sects and cults tell us that we’re going to go to Hell for not being a part of their religious group.

Merriam-Webster defines religion as:

1a: the state of a religious

A nun in her 20th year of religion

b(1): the service and worship of God or the supernatural

 

(2): commitment or devotion to religious faith or observance
2: a personal set or institutionalized system of religious attitudes, beliefs, and practices
3archaic : scrupulous conformity : CONSCIENTIOUSNESS
4: a cause, principle, or system of beliefs held to with ardor and faith”  (https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/religion#synonyms).
A website called ReachOut Australia says that spirituality is:

“Spirituality: This is more of an individual practice, and has to do with having a sense of peace and purpose” (https://au.reachout.com/articles/what-is-spirituality).

Now many religious people can be spiritual but it seems like they value the rules and man-made doctrines over truly seeking Truth and God or Whomever one wishes to call Him/Her.  I hear all the religious people gasping after reading this sentence. It wasn’t that long ago that I would have gasped as well.  However, the more one gets away from church doctrine and actually begins to seek the Truth, the less judgmental he/she becomes because we’re all one.  Unless someone practices evil, we really are connected in so many ways with love being our main priority!

Spiritual people are usually more positive, accepting, open, and loving.  They wish to be able to get along with everyone.  Even if they don’t “believe” in Jesus, they are ok with people that do as long as those people respect their beliefs.

And yes, spiritual people do participate in rituals and even some religious ceremonies to help them grow spiritually and they are always learning.  They just don’t subscribe to an exact doctrine, or if they do, they don’t try to push it on others.

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Source: reddit.com

Even Jesus Christ was against religious people and hung out with everyday people. Look at what Jesus said to the Pharisees and Teachers of the Law:

“Matthew 23 New American Standard Bible (NASB)

Pharisaism Exposed

23 Then Jesus spoke to the crowds and to His disciples, 2 saying: “The scribes and the Pharisees have seated themselves in the chair of Moses; 3 therefore all that they tell you, do and observe, but do not do according to their deeds; for they say things and do not do them.4 They tie up heavy burdens and lay them on men’s shoulders, but they themselves are unwilling to move them with so much as a finger. 5 But they do all their deeds to be noticed by men; for they broaden their phylacteries and lengthen the tassels of their garments. 6 They love the place of honor at banquets and the chief seats in the synagogues, 7 and respectful greetings in the market places, and being called Rabbi by men. 8 But do not be called Rabbi; for One is your Teacher, and you are all brothers. 9 Do not call anyone on earth your father; for One is your Father, He who is in heaven. 10 Do not be called [b]leaders; for One is your Leader, that is, Christ. 11 But the greatest among you shall be your servant. 12 Whoever exalts himself shall be humbled; and whoever humbles himself shall be exalted.”

Jesus preached LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE!  Yet, “Christians” can be some of the most hateful people I’ve ever encountered along with Muslim extremists.  You don’t say that someone should die because they are homosexual and you disagree with them.  People shouldn’t blow people away because they want their religion to take over the world.  I believe that religion creates a form of narcissism.  “My church is right and yours is wrong.”  I used to be like that, but there’s much grace and freedom in “agreeing to disagree.”  Yet, I have always hated how children are treated in many religious sects.  They shouldn’t be taught how “bad” they are and shouldn’t be taught to remember every sin so they can repent for them to avoid going to Hell.  And they should NEVER BE TAUGHT THAT GOD WANTS THEM TO BE SPANKED/HIT!

Healthy spirituality is what we all need to aim for.  There’s a Light in all of us.   I believe that satan wants to blind us to this and think that we have to do special prayers and other things to be closer to God/Goddess but we can learn to listen for Them ourselves.  Certain natural medicines are also helpful for some adults to gain more awareness of the spiritual world that is completely and always surrounding us.

After all, love is the greatest of ALL!

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Should We Take The Bible Literally?

Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

 

Once again I found myself dealing with a Christian pro-spanker that insists that the “rod verses” in the book of Proverbs must be taken literally.  Yet, when I asked the following questions, the pro-spanker couldn’t answer:

*If we must spank/hit our children then shouldn’t we also stone people, cut off body parts, pluck eyes out?

*And what about slavery?  Shouldn’t we continue to keep slaves?

*Shouldn’t we also sacrifice animals for our sins?

People pick and choose what to take literally. It makes no sense to take a few verses literally to justify spanking/hitting children but not other harsh verses.

The Bible was written for us, not to us. As I have said many times, we must seek to understand the historical and cultural context of Scripture.  We must also study the original languages of the Bible to truly understand what it’s saying and how to apply it to us.

Not every Scripture is meant to be directly applied to us!  We are to learn from all Scripture, but because of what Jesus did on the cross, we do not need to directly apply every single Scripture to our lives.  To do so is to downplay what Jesus did for all of humanity on the cross!

“For by one offering He has perfected for all time those who are sanctified” (Hebrews 10:14, NASB).

After a while, the pro-spanker tried to answer the questions above by saying that we no longer live under the Law, but rather, we live under grace.

Exactly!  And this grace applies to children as well.  Jesus freed us from the Law.

“But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law” (Galatians 5:18).

When we spank, we are parenting under the Law. We are not accepting the grace, mercy, and forgiveness of Jesus. Jesus died for us. He was beaten to a bloody pulp for us. Why do we feel we must beat, spank, and hit our young children who do not understand sin nor physical punishment?

“In regard to evil be infants” (1 Corinthians 14:20b).

If we are to interpret all of the “rod” verses that appear to advocate spanking/hitting children with a large weapon with spikes on it literally, then we must take all of the other harsh verses in the Bible literally.  Who are we to apply only a handful of verses to inflict pain on children but not do everything else in the Bible?

After all, the Bible also says:

“Stripes that wound scour away evil, And strokes reach the innermost parts” (Proverbs 20:30, NASB).

I truly do not believe that God wanted us to take the entire Bible literally.  Rather, we are to see how God redeemed His people.  The Bible is meant to be read in a redemption manner.

For more information about how to interpret the “rod verses” in Proverbs, please click here.

Finally, as Christ-followers should easily realize that all the verses telling us to be kind, merciful, graceful, gentle, peaceful, loving, forgiving, and patient with one another apply to children too. Jesus is our example!

In fact, Ephesians 5:1-2 says,

“Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma.”

So to imitate God is to walk in love, not hurt each other. And the fruit of the Spirit is:

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, *gentleness,* self-control; against such things there is no law” (Galatians 5:22-23).

I will end with two final verses.

“For judgment will be merciless to one who has shown no mercy; mercy triumphs over judgment” (James 2:13).

God favors mercy over judgement.

“Or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance?” (Romans 2:4).

It’s His kindness that leads us to repentance, not fear and pain.  This is what we should take literally!

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Respecting The Body And Teaching Consent

Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed3 Comments

For Valentine’s Day I surprised my husband with a beautiful tattoo that symbolizes our love and our Christ centered marriage.  I got this tattoo on my lower left arm.  This was my first arm tattoo, so I was a bit nervous about how it would go with my spasms due to my severe cerebral palsy.

If you have been following me for a while, you know that this is my fourth tattoo.  My mom was here again but after she helped us figure out how to strap my arm down tightly, she was able to enjoy watching her daughter get another detailed tattoo.

I feel like I need to write about my tattoo experiences because I know I went searching for other people with severe cerebral palsy who had successfully gotten tattooed when I first made up my mind that I was going to do it.  I needed to know that others like me were able to do this.  So I am putting my experiences out there for anyone else that is like me and wants tattoos.

Plus, there’s always an element of getting a tattoo that relates to parenting and respecting children which is something I am obviously very passionate about.

To read about my first three tattoo experiences and how they relate to parenting, click here, here, and here.

For this tattoo, I took the same medications as always for my spasms and we strapped my arm down to my arm rest of my wheelchair in two different places.  Then my husband held my hand down quite tightly.  My tattoo artist is a miracle worker and did an excellent job!  While there was slightly more movement with my arm than my legs, within twenty minutes my body stopped reacting so much to the needles and I was fine.

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My beautiful tattoo for my husband symbolizing our love and Christ centered marriage. The lettering is our special way of saying “I love you!”

Since I had to be strapped down and held down again for the tattoo, it got me thinking about respecting children’s bodies and teaching children consent from birth.  We’ve all seen it and maybe even have done it.  You see a cute baby and just have to touch him/her.  But what if the baby really doesn’t want to be touched?  This is especially true if you’re a stranger.

Let’s face it. We don’t respect children’s bodies.

Even before they are born, many people think its okay to dismember the baby’s body if the mother doesn’t want the child.

Then after birth, infants are touched, poked, tickled, squeezed, scooped up, gently pinched against their wills.

Then there’s the issue of corporal punishment.  Sadly, many pro-spanking advocates tell parents to even sit on the child to spank/hit him/her.  Even when children submit to spankings, they are being forced to do so out of fear, guilt, not wanting multiple spankings, and needing acceptance from their parents again.  But they really don’t have a choice as they learn that their parents will make them submit.

Even older children are touched by complete, albeit well-meaning, strangers against their wishes.

Here’s a recent story from my dear friend, Meagan Longest, about an experience with her daughter at a store:

“An old man patted Wynnie at the grocery store today. She was holding onto the side of the cart. She looks up at him, almost cries and then runs to me at the back of the cart.
Wynnie: He touch me mom. Whyyyyy?
Me: I know, honey. That’s not okay.
Wynnie: That’s MY body, mommy.
Me: You’re right. It’s your body and no one should touch it without YOUR permission (While giving an evil eye to the old man and his daughter who was starting to get pissed).
I almost lost it.
Moral of the story- start teaching consent at birth. And don’t effing touch a child without their permission.”

Sure, that old man probably didn’t mean any harm, but in today’s world, we just never know.  And how would you feel if a stranger patted you out of nowhere?

I guess I understand this more than some people do because well-meaning people get in my personal space and touch me without my consent.  Due to my very slurred speech, I can’t just say, “Please don’t hug me.”  “Please move out of my face a bit.”  It’s very uncomfortable and I just sit there and deal with it so I don’t hurt people’s feelings.

The reality is that we all have the right not to have our personal spaces invaded by anyone without giving our consent.  We need to respect each other’s bodies!

You may be asking, “What about needing to restrain children for care and/or medical procedures?”  When a child is given shots, I strongly believe that they should be held in their parents’ laps.  There’s never a reason to hold a child down on a table for shots.  If your pediatrician doesn’t encourage you to hold your children on your lap for shots and even other simple procedures, then please find another doctor.

As far as giving care, if you must hold them against their wills, always talk to them about what you’re doing and why.  Validate their feelings.  Say, for example, “Oh I know you don’t like me holding you right now but we have to get your diaper changed.  Can you help me by lifting your bottom?”

It helps to try and make sure the child is ready for the transition into care. It also helps to be playful about it when you know your child may resist.  The key is teaching children that you respect them and always try to wait for their consent before moving forward. Even for newborns, this can be done by telling them before you pick them up and waiting for some clue that they are ready to be picked up. Moving slowly with infants also helps to teach them consent and that we respect them.  Please see this post for more information about respecting infants.

As children grow, it’s so important to teach children that no one should ever touch them without their ok.  Even people they know should always ask before touching them.  It’s just basic respect.  We invite people in and out by our body language most of the time, but children are not skilled at this and many adults ignore them anyway, so allowing children to say, “No!” is very, very important!

Also, teaching children to respect others is equally important.  Teaching them to not touch someone that doesn’t want to be touched helps them to respect others.

The majority of sexual abuse and assault cases happen with people that children know!  This is extremely scary!  If children are taught to obey their elders no matter what, it’s really setting them up for potential sexual abuse and assault.  We can’t allow this!

If people don’t understand why you are allowing your children to give or not give consent, just explain that you want them to have control over their own bodies.  Tell them that you don’t just let people touch you, so why should children have to allow people to touch them when they don’t want anyone to touch them?

Children are human beings and deserve respect.  I consented to being strapped down for tattoos, children should have the power to consent to being touched.  It’s about respecting each other’s bodies and personal space no matter what the age is.

Processed with MOLDIV

Peace On Earth

Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

The following commercial from Pampers diapers always makes me cry every year at Christmas time.

These precious, innocent babies are the pinnacle of God’s creation and I always wonder how anyone in their right mind could believe that they are “sinful” or “manipulative.” 

These babies are beautiful human beings; people think it’s perfectly fine, and even “godly,” to treat them harshly in order to “train” them to be peaceful, godly people.  It breaks my heart every time, especially this time of year when we are celebrating God coming down as a baby to save us all!  Check out this post about God being a baby.

Jesus lifted children’s status in the world, and called us to be more like them and treat them with respect and kindness.  And yet, “Christians” still advocate for letting them cry-it-out, for spanking/hitting them, and for using other harsh punishment on them.  But that isn’t how Jesus was when He came to Earth.  He brought real peace.

He treated everyone with love and discipled them.  He corrected people through His Words, not through violence.  Then when it was time, He died a violent death for all of us!

Even with satan, He used His Word to stop him.  In the Temple when He got angry at the people taking advantage of the poor in His Father’s House, He did not hit anyone with the whip.  He simply wanted them out immediately.

We want peace on Earth but we are not willing to follow after Jesus’s example.  Jesus would never leave a baby to cry-it-out, spank/hit a child, or send a child away to “think” about what he/she has done.  

No, Jesus would comfort, disciple, love, guide, protect, teach, correct, forgive, and offer mercy and grace to the little ones.  After all, the Kingdom of God belongs to the little ones.

“But Jesus called for them, saying, “Permit the children to come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these” (Luke 18:16, NASB).

And here is what the prophet Isaiah called Jesus:

“For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counseller, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace” (Isaiah 9:6, KJV).

If we truly want peace on Earth this Christmas, may we strive to parent our beautiful children the way the Prince of Peace, Our AWESOME Lord and Savior would parent them.

“And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.

And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.

And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.

And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,

Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men” (Luke 2:8-14, KJV).

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Review Of “13:24: A Story Of Faith And Obsession” By M. Dolon Hickmon.

Stephanie G. Cox, M.S.Ed

I read this book over a year ago.  It is excellent!  Now that I finally have a blog of my own, I can post my review here.

“Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them” (Ephesians 5:11, NASB).

As Christians, we are called to expose darkness where we find it, and to recognize sin not only in the world around us, but also in the Body of Christ. M. Dolon Hickmon has done just that in 13:24 – A Story of Faith and Obsession, a fast-paced crime thriller that offers readers a sobering glimpse of one of the darkest aspects of Christianity.

13:24 opens with protagonists Chris and Josh leading hard, sinful lives. Chris is an emotionally neglected teenaged fan of the heavy metal band, Rehoboam. Josh is the wild, tattooed leader of that band. At every concert, Christians protest with signs and slogans that are almost as hate-filled as Josh’s violent lyrics seem to be. When Chris goes on a murderous rampage, people blame his fascination with “demonic” music. Meanwhile, celebrity evangelist Allen Garnfield capitalizes on the media frenzy, using details from Chris’ crimes to rail against what he sees as the true cause of violent youth: society’s ongoing shift away from old-fashioned physical punishment. While the criminal investigation unfolds, Garnfield’s sermons are presented alongside scenes of disciplinary beatings, which contribute to the implosions of both Chris’ and Josh’s lives.

For some believers, it might be tempting to deny that Christian spanking advocates have contributed to such tragedies of physical abuse. Sadly, Allen Garnfield’s incendiary lines could easily be quotes from popular books by real-life iconic Christian pro-spanking teachers:

“On the bare legs or bottom, switch him eight or ten licks; then, while waiting for the pain to subside, speak calm words of rebuke. If the crying turns to a true, wounded, submissive whimper, you have conquered; he has submitted his will. If the crying is still defiant, protesting and other than a response to pain, spank him again” (Pearl, 1994, p. 80).
“The child may be more strong-willed than the parent, and they both know it. If he can outlast a temporary onslaught, he has won a major battle, eliminating punishment in the parent’s repertoire. Even though Mom spanks him, he wins the battle by defying her again. The solution to this situation is obvious: outlast him; win, even if it takes a repeated measure” (Dobson, 1970, p. 45).

“For example, a dime sized bruise on the buttocks of a fair-skinned child may or may not indicate an abusive situation. It all depends. In an otherwise secure and loving home, that bruise may have no greater psychological impact than a skinned knee or a stubbed toe. Again the issue in not the small abrasion; it is the meaning behind it” (Dobson, 1996, p. 25).

“After you have spanked, take the child up on your lap and hug him, telling him how much you love him, how much it grieves you to spank him, and how you hope that it will not be necessary again. Then if he is still not restored, you are to check your own spirit to see if you have handled him roughly… [or] brought unholy anger on this holy mission, and if you have, seek forgiveness from God. If your child is still angry, it’s time for another round, ‘Daddy has spanked you, but you are not sweet enough yet. We are going to have to go back upstairs for another spanking'” (Tripp, 1995, p. 149).

As a Christ-follower I was a bit nervous about reading this book. I was concerned that its purpose was to rip Christians and the Bible apart. Having read it, I can assure readers that Hickmon does no such thing.

The title of the book is taken from Proverbs 13:24, “He who withholds his rod hates his son.”   See here regarding how to accurately interpret the “rod” verses.  The importance of this verse becomes clear when Josh uses music and stagecraft to reenact the rarely-told history of King Solomon—widely credited as the compiler of the Book of Proverbs. In these concert scenes, readers graphically witness that King Solomon, though gifted with wisdom from God, was also deeply flawed as a father, husband, and spiritual leader. He ultimately chose worldly sensuality and treasures over keeping with the wisdom that God gave him.

“Solomon was a great ruler who sowed the seeds of the dissolution of his empire and his kingdom was split into two after he died. Solomon’s blunder was that, as he got older, accumulating personal wealth became more important than building up his country. His love for foreign women caused him to accumulate a ridiculous number of wives (I Kings 11:1-4). As Solomon himself noted, leaders need wisdom, understanding, righteousness, and truth to ensure the success of their reign. Wealth, fame, beautiful women, and incredible edifices are not what leadership is all about. God himself praised a young Solomon for choosing wisdom and justice over wealth, longevity, or power over his enemies (I Kings 3:10-11), but it seems that he forgot about his mission” (Friedman, http://academic.brooklyn.cuny.edu/economic/friedman/moralleadership.htm).

Hickmon’s ultimate point is made when Josh, while being questioned about his possible connection to a string of murders, points out how Solomon’s seemingly harsh, authoritarian prescriptions violate Christianity’s important ideals: “Jesus didn’t burden his disciples with impossible demands or whip them into automatic obedience. Rather, Jesus said ‘My yoke is light,’ and demonstrated his authority by kneeling to wash his servants’ feet. On the subject of physical punishment, Jesus said, ‘Whoever is without blame, cast the first stone.’ And while Solomon dismissed children as fools, Christ insisted, ‘Heaven is ruled by such as these'” (Hickmon, 2013, p. 47). Yes, the entire Bible is divinely inspired. However, Jesus changed everything when He suffered and died on the cross for humanity’s sins. Jesus desires mercy, not sacrifice.

I must quickly point out that upon deeper study of Hebrew, the “rod” verses of Proverbs do not mean to spank children, but rather to discipline (teach, guide) children. Most Jews do not practice corporal punishment.

Another aspect of the book is that both Chris and Josh experience Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Hickmon does a wonderful job depicting what people go through when they have this serious disorder. Wired with fear from harsh/abusive parenting, a child may suffer with anxiety for the rest of his/her life. Experiences of maltreatment can also leave victims feeling like failures, because no matter how hard they try, they can’t always overcome the intense, overwhelming fear and anxiety.

Chris and Josh also demonstrate a range of other effects that we now know to be associated with even mild corporal punishment. “Corporal punishment has been linked to a host of psychological problems. A history of harsh punishment has been found to underlie ‘conduct disorder,’ and anxiety disorders in children. Adults who were physically punished as adolescents are more likely to suffer from depressive symptoms, suicidal thoughts and alcohol abuse” (Grille, 2005, p. 184).

One of my favorite quotes from this book is a comment one investigator makes about his grandfather: “He used to say that Satan’s greatest trick wasn’t making people think he didn’t exist–it was convincing Christians that he couldn’t speak from the pulpit” (Hickmon, 2013, p. 308). This is so true. Pro-spanking theology is not from God. Hurting children in God’s name is blasphemy. I explain this in detail in my own book, Gentle Firmness.

If you like mystery/thrillers, you will not be disappointed with 13:24. I must warn that many scenes are extremely graphic and can be triggering for some. I had a very hard time reading the child abuse scenes and cried through them. I give Hickmon five stars for creating a totally fictitious story that exposes one of Christianity’s darkest corners, creating the possibility of real insight and change.

References:

Dobson, J. (1970). Dare to Discipline. Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House Publishers.

Dobson, J. (1996). The New Dare to Discipline. Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House Publishers.

Friedman, http://academic.brooklyn.cuny.edu/economic/friedman/moralleadership.htm.

Grille, R. (2005). Parenting for a Peaceful World. New South Wales, Australia: Longueville Media.

Pearl, M. (1994). To Train Up A Child. Pleasantville, TN: No Greater Joy Ministries.

Tripp, T. (1995). Shepherding a Child’s Heart. Wapwallopen, PA: Shepherd Press.